Sometimes. . .

2006 . . . Sometimes you just need a classic throwback picture.

Sometimes blogging about hard things doesn't make them easier or help you vent or releases negative energy.

Sometimes it just perpetuates negative energy and gives focus to things you'd rather not focus on.

I'm not saying that's why I haven't been blogging much, but I am saying that's sometimes why I choose to withhold a post.

Sometimes blogging is for me, sometimes it's for my children, sometimes it's for our family that is so far away...and sometimes not blogging is the best for everyone.

So no more apologies. No more guilt. I am doing the best I can, and tomorrow I'm going to try to do better than I did today. And that may include a post, or five, or it may not.

Sometimes you just have to accept that you can't do everything you want to do, and you have to make a choice as to what you can do.

There is healing in accepting that sometimes you're not all that you want or hope to be, but maybe you will be someday. And I will try to post when I can, but mostly when I feel inspired.

Because when I feel inspired to write to you, my reading public, I feel more hope than guilt and more acceptance than judgement.

So for those times when your nearly tangible, metaphysical presence heals my heart, thank you. And I hope to be able to thank you more adequately in the future . . . sometime.

Happiness in Every Footstep

I just went into Blogger to edit the post I started Monday. Wanna know what I saw?

Seven.

Seven unfinished posts, and assuming Alexa wakes up before this gets posted (which is almost a guaranteed certainty), this is the eighth post I've started and not posted since August 12th. Let me tell you why.

Ya know what's hard? Moving. Ya know what's harder? Moving and then your kids getting sick. Ya know what's even harder? Moving with sick kiddos and PMSing. Ya know what's even harder than that?? Moving with sick kiddos, catching what they got, PMSing, and NOT KNOWING you're PMSing! (So I go around crying and laughing like a maniac...)

Thank you Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.

Honestly, it's been a little bit of a tough move for me. Everyone else seems to be handling it well, but I've been really missing my Colorado friends and life there. Everythin is just a little different here, like they want to put green chillies on everything and there are no descent radio stations.

So, I have 7 unfinished posts because I wanted to share my excitement about our new life in New Mexico, but I'm not there yet, and I didn't want to bum everyone out.

Don't get me wrong -- the people here are great, I love my family, our rental house/landlords are great (and no one lives above us). In fact I have told a number of people that I'm just not going to be bummed anymore. Done. I quit being sad.

It's apparently not that easy sometimes. Which is a bummer.

Which doesn't help me feel better at all. It's a tough cycle.

I've been avoiding the word "depressed" (the d-word) because then I just feel defeated by my own emotions. Which is frustrating! Especially when my life is so good! Really, I'm so blessed!

It was when I was talking to my sister Cindy that I said the d-word too many times and tried correcting myself...again...that she put her foot down and said "Rachel, you've gone through a lot! It's okay to feel depressed! You'll get out of it, it's just hard right now!"

Cindy's right. I like her. Someone else who is also right is Dieter F. Uchtdorf, an apostle of God.

There will always be things to complain about -- things that don't seem to go quite right. You can spend your days feeling sad, alone, misunderstood, or unwanted. (How did he know I feel all those things?) But that isn't the journey you had hoped for, and it's not the journey Heavenly Father sent you to take. Remember, you are truly a daughter of God! With this in mind, I invite you to walk confidently and joyfully. Yes, the road has bumps and detours and even some hazards. But don't focus on them. Look for the happiness your Father in Heaven has prepared for you in every step of your journey. Happiness is the destination, but it's also the path.

So that's my plan. Turning off sadness is tough -- trickier than I thought -- but I don't have to focus on those things that aren't just right. Of course things will get better, they always do. In the meantime, I'm going to accentuate the positives! Starting with my adorable kids!

I'll post more often, I promise! And I'll be posting pics of our new place as soon as the tile situation in the dining room is taken care of.

***Update: Alexa didn't wake up. She likes to keep me on my toes.***

I Can't Be a Mom All By Myself

I can't be a mom all by myself.

That statement has many meanings, but this morning two come to mind.

First, I can't be a mom without my husband. Some women can do that, and I applaud them and their amazingness and capacity, but I cannot. These past few weeks as he works so hard finishing up his Ph.D. I have felt lonely in my trials (not alone because caring for two children one is never alone). However, his return home always lifts my heart and makes the long day I just had seem manageable again tomorrow -- even when that return is at 10pm. I can not be a mom without my husband.

Second, I would not be a mom today without two other moms who placed their children in our home and hearts. All three of us, together, create the vision of motherhood for our family. That realization is humbling and heart-breaking. The fact that I am physically unable to be the complete mothering package for my children is sad for me, but I wouldn't trade that heartache for anything because of the love that swells inside of me this morning for my babies and the women who created and love them just as much as I do. I can not be a mom without these women.

I am not the sole bearer of the title "Mother" in our family. In fact, I'm not even the first "Mother" for my kids. They were mothered and loved long before I even knew they existed. But even though there's heart-break that comes with infertility, I could not be happier about sharing this role with the two bravest and strongest women I know. What company I share when I have no right to share it -- no right at all! I am only here because of them, and my heart overflows with joy, love, gratitude, hope, peace, and happiness for the life I lead, no matter how hard some days are, because of my children's first mothers.

I can't be a mom all by myself, and I couldn't be happier about it! 

My Arms and Heart Are Full!

Recently I have found my arms to be very full. Most recently that happened in church today when Nick was asked to sit on the stand to leave me with my two beautiful babies.

That's right readers, two!

James Robert Nelson, born 3/17/13 -- he's our lucky little leprechaun

I am very much aware I haven't posted in a couple weeks, but that's because, like I said, my arms have been a little full. I'll give more details about my beautiful new family (including our beautiful new birthmom) tomorrow and later this week, but on this Easter Sunday, my thoughts are focused more so on my Savior.

My arms have been full of children mostly (along with bottles, burp cloths, and oh, so many diapers!). Because of this I wish I could always have a floating camera and photographer at the ready because I would have them take pictures of us instead of me unloading all my goods and try to finagle a sweet picture of a now lost moment.

For example, I would get a picture of James in my left arm and Alexa cuddled under my right arm as we all snuggle on the couch together. I would have gotten a picture of us in church today when Alexa laid her head on my left leg and I was holding James in my right arm. Thinking about how my Lord and Savior has immeasurably blessed my life while holding my little angels in my arms has been my favorite part of this Easter Day.

I always tell people that I've had a hard time imagining myself as a mom of two in the past because...I don't know, I guess imagining one child was fairly easy. I just assumed I would always have one child because it was so important to me. What I've discovered today is that vision of my life with two kids was always difficult to imagine because I thought it was a bit presumptuous, after all I've already been given, to ask God for a child, and then downright selfish to ask for another when so many people I know would give all they have for just one child.

I'm so glad (and moved to tears) that God is merciful enough to grant us the desires of our hearts even when we have done absolutely nothing to deserve it. Additionally, He will comfort us through the power of the infinite atonement as we wait for the tears to drop from our eyes so that we are able to see the hand of God, ever present, in our lives. How patient and merciful He is with us, and how willing He is to bless us with more than we would ever dream of asking for!

 Happy Easter from the Nelson Family, all 4 of us!

Truly, my arms and my heart are full today!

Music Monday

My sister, Suzy, who is serving an LDS Mission in Houston, TX sent me her iPod and asked me to upload some new music and talks for her. I worked on this a while on Friday and Saturday, and it was a really good exercise to review the music I listen to with a missionary perspective. This is the guideline she gave me that is given to all missionaries (emphasis added):

"Listen to only to music that is consistent with the sacred spirit of your calling. Music should invite the spirit, help you focus on the work, and direct your thoughts and feelings to the Savior. Do not listen to music that pulls your thoughts away from the work, merely entertains, has romantic lyrics or overtones, or dulls your spiritual sensitivity by its tempo, beats, loudness, lyrics, or intensity. Listening to music must never interfere with your personal preparation or proselyting."

One of the 13 basic beliefs to which all members of the LDS Church subscribe is another guideline that I used to evaluate the music and talks that I sent to her (emphasis added):

"We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul-We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things."

Suzy sent me a list of things she specifically wanted, and then I added to that list with some songs I thought fit missionary music requirements. One of the artists that she sent to me was Alex Boyé, of whom I have heard but not really appreciated, until I heard this song:

My friend's 16-year old daughter was killed in September when she was hit by a car and it has been such a faith-inspiring thing for me to watch this woman mourn and allow her faith to carry her through this tragedy. I was able to be a part of a small choir that sang this song at her funeral. It nearly moves me to tears every time I listen to it.

That's what good music should do for us. Not necessarily make us cry, but it should stir our souls and assist us in being able to feel the spirit of God, not deter or distract us from it. It should be praiseworthy or of good report -- something we would be excited to share with our mothers, mothers-in-law, spouses, or anyone else. 

Music has profoundly impacted many of my life's most memorable moments, and I'm blown away by the seemingly endless talents of musicians who continue to make music that inspires and uplifts and simply makes me happy! I'm so grateful for the blessing of music in my life and the people that helped me to love it like I do (first and foremost my mom).

I Kinda Love Colorado

Nick left for work at 5:50am this morning and plans on putting in at least a 12.5 hour day, if not more to avoid going in to work tomorrow.

When we agreed to do graduate school this is what we signed up for -- occasional crazy days, typical 11-hour days, and a lot of vacation flexibility so long as it doesn't coincide with a conference or big publication. It's not easy all the time, but even if one had told me how lonely some periods of my life would feel I would have still agreed to it.

In fact, we maybe agreeing to it already. I'm not going to go into specifics, but Nick has/will be applying to eight (possibly nine) jobs this winter. He's headed out of town for a "job interview" Sunday and will be back Tuesday (quick trip). He's applying for jobs across the country leaving our family's future completely unpredictable (which is a real change from its completely predictable past).

I have done a lot of reflecting recently because of all this "Momy-time" I've been having recently, and the thing that surprises me the most about our time in Colorado is how much "it feels like home to me." I don't really know what I was expecting when we moved here, but living in Utah for school never felt like home, and I was there for 3 years. I always felt like a visitor saying "I'll be home [in Oregon] for Christmas" and now find myself saying "I'm so glad we'll be home [in Colorado] for Christmas."

One of the first pictures we took on our very first "let's explore!" walks in Colorado.

Maybe it's because so much of me has happened in the past 5.5 years. Thinking about where I was as a person when we moved here and where I am now just blows my mind! My 21-year old self would not have believed what I am capable of doing now or what I was capable of becoming.

Dolled Up in August 2007

Dolled Up in September 2012

(Geez! I figured how to pose for pics, fix my hair, trim my eyebrows, cover up zits, and wear clothes! Holy Cow!)

I wonder if that's what home is...maybe home is a place where you become the person you were always meant to be. That takes stretching, and stretching takes time. Don't get me wrong, I was stretched plenty in college, but places don't feel like home so much to me as the people that helped me through those times of stretching. Mostly Nick, but also my roommates and friends who held my hand and dried my tears through the flour gooping up in them (long story...okay, not that long: flour fights). In Utah it was the people I ended up missing, and here it's going to be the people but also the places where created our first real home.

 

One flour fight of many in college. So fun!

I kinda love Colorado, a lot more than I thought I would after 5.5 years. I'm going to really try to enjoy the snow this year.

My Cup, and Everything Else, Runneth Over

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever. (Psalm 23:4-6)

My heart is so full today, not necessarily because of anything in particular, but my life is just so blessed. Everyday I am a mom I know is a blessing and a gift that was given to me and that I could not give to myself.

Because there are no words to adequately describe my feelings, I will not try to do so. I just love Melissa and Ray and our future children's birth-families so much!

I am particularly grateful for this moment, and this morning, and every time we find our daughter after nap or bedtime completely or on her way to being naked. It's just so great and I feel so blessed! I love my family so much!

Covetousness: The True Christmas Spirit

I don't know about the rest of you, but I am getting caught up in the Christmas spirit this year!

I want...I need...I wish I had...

That's the Christmas spirit, right?

Our financial situation is fine, we're just not going to get that Mercedes and move into that mansion that we've been planning on. Bummer, I know.

Nope, this year Alexa is getting the gifts and our family is headed to Oregon to see Grandmas and Grandpas and Aunts and Uncles and Cousins and Friends! There's definitely challenges to our parents living 5 miles apart, but I'm glad we get to make one trip and see everyone during the holidays!

So, my motto this year for Christmas has been this:

"Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication." -Leonardo Da Vinci

I'm not sure that my heart has caught up with my brain on this quite yet, but there's still time! My mom gave me a lot of wonderful qualities (thanks for those, no thanks for the nose), but my favorite maybe that she and I are both dreamers. I've talked about this before, but at Christmas time it's so easy to get caught up in dreams, and some even decide to elevate their dreams above their finances.

We don't do that. Both Nick and I have had to sacrifice some of our immediate wants this year for something that we really want: financial stability.

Our recipe for a simple Christmas this year is this: we're filling each others' stockings for $20 or less, Alexa is getting new gifts from grandparents, birth-grand-parents, aunts and uncles, and from other gracious admirers. But Santa is playing it cool this year and is giving her second-hand and homemade gifts...and of course some candy. That's it.

I certainly admit to indulging the green-eyed monster of covetousness a few times too many this season, but I am the master of my fate, my happiness, and my finances!

It's going to be a wonderful Christmas season this year! So much to be grateful for and to look forward to and delicious delights to bake and share...more stuff would just clutter it up!

We're getting our tree tomorrow (YAY!) and I'm planning on finishing Alexa's stocking this weekend and will also figure out a stocking to make for The Sneetch as well. Can't forget about our next little character that will be coming into our home when the time is right! Maybe by next Christmas...

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a silly and smiley weekend!

Why I Hate Cancer (Reason #3,872)

Subtitle: Why I Love Open Adoption (Reason #1,590)

Back in August we got to meet for the first time Melissa's mom, Alexa's birth-grandma. On Saturday we got to see Alexa's birth-grandpa, Ray's dad, for the first time since nearly two-years ago.

 

The only picture we have of Alexa and Ray's dad when she was born.

He was at the hospital when Alexa was born, but lives in Las Vegas so we haven't seen him since. Recently he's moved to Denver because, well, he has cancer.

Alexa with 3 of the most important men in her life.

He has Stage 4 Brain Cancer that has moved into his esophagus making it difficult to eat. So after visiting for a while on Saturday, we went to Fazoli's because they serve soup and that goes down pretty easily. While sitting there he talked with me about his ambitions.

Nick and Alexa playing with Ray and Melissa's cat, Simon.

"I'm going to run again. I have to get strong so I can run again." As long as I live, I don't think I'll ever forget those words. Here's a few reasons why...

Ray's dad is short, has a small frame, has olive skin, is bald, wears glasses, runs (a lot), served in the military, and is very happy quietly watching his family grow.

My dad is short, has a small frame, has olive skin, is bald, wears glasses, runs (a lot), served in the military, and is very happy quietly watching his family grow.

I kid you not, their similarities are uncanny! When I was listening to him speak about how he was going to work hard so he could run and be strong again it was like listening to my own father speak about overcoming cancer if he were ever plagued with that illness.

Some people may call this a coincidence, but I don't believe for a second that Alexa has two grandfather's that share so many wonderful qualities. What a blessed little girl she is! How blessed we all are!

As a beautiful gesture, on Saturday Ray and his father presented Alexa with all of her grandfather's war medals from when he served in Vietnam.

Our hearts overflowed with gratitude! He has other grandchildren who could have received those beautiful medals, but he gave them to Alexa. That memory and those medals are priceless!

How blessed our family is because of open adoption!

And cancer is really stupid.

Sharing is Caring

Here Alexa is trying to share a delicious delectable delight with Daddy, but Daddy knows better!

We had other delicious delectable delights yesterday when we shared our Thanksgiving holiday with our friends, The Parkers! It may have been the most delicious meal I have ever eaten!

When biological family is inaccessible, we turn to our friends in our neighborhood and create a new type of family -- one not connected by blood...hmmm...not a terribly new concept for us!

Our family is so grateful that we get to see Alexa's birth family tomorrow and share some of the holiday season with them. It is so wonderful that we get to be around all sorts of family during this time of year!

How special it is that we get to spend one day a year thinking about all the ways our lives have been blessed, and too avoid an obscenely long post I won't list them, but let me just say, our hearts are so full!

And just so you're aware, it is now okay to listen to Christmas music! YAY! No one is happier about that than I am, but you got to respect Thanksgiving by not listening to Christmas music before today. It's not Thanksgiving's fault it doesn't have music!

Have a wonderful weekend celebrating the beginning of the Christmas season! God bless!

In Your Patience You Posess Your Souls

“Patience means accepting that which cannot be changed and facing it with courage, grace, and faith. It means being 'willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon [us], even as a child doth submit to his father.' Ultimately, patience means being 'firm and steadfast, and immovable in keeping the commandments of the Lord'  every hour of every day, even when it is hard to do so.”  President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Continue in Patience, emphasis added

Thursday was one of those times that was really hard to be firm and steadfast, only because waiting for good things is just not fun sometimes.

So today I will make the situation I cannot change better through gratitude and work. That is my goal today: to lose myself in work and service and to express my gratitude for all that I have, both to God and those people around me.

I will begin by saying Thank You to Ray and Melissa, because they brought me this moment during a walk Alexa and I took recently.

Every moment I have with her is because of you, so thank you for this particular one! My heart is always full of gratitude for you both and the decision you made nearly 2-years ago! I am a mom because they had the love, faith, and courage to do what they knew was right for their daughter. Words cannot express my heart...

Last night in my prayers I recommitted myself to prepare for the arrival of our next child. When I have the opportunity to be a mother of two, I want to be ready for it! If in my patience I posses my soul, I hope that all this patient preparation I am doing is refining my soul into the person the Lord needs me to become. 

Sometimes there are Thursdays, days when you'd give up if you could, but you have no choice but to continue in patience. But today is Tuesday, and today I am going to do all I can to possess my soul through this time of necessary patience!

Music Monday

"Sing Together," Train

I can't express how much I love this song from Train's new album! It makes me so grateful for my family and the friends I have who have been like family in some ways since my family is so far away! I'm so blessed with the people I have in my life!

I've copied the lyrics below:
If I go before I say to everyone in my ballet
Let me take this chance to thank you for the dance
If I run out of songs to sings to take your mind off everything
Just smile, sit a while with the
Sun on your face and remember the place we met
Take a breath and soon I bet you'll see
Without you I would never be me
You are the leaves of my family tree

Sing together
If you knew me from the very start, or we met last week at the grocery mart
Sing together
It's the least I can do
My final gift to you
Oo oo oo

When I'm past the pearly gate, I will find some real estate
Where we can settle down and watch the world go round
We'll send down all the love we got and let them know we got a spot
For them to be and it's all free, the
Sun on your face and remember the place we met
Take a breath and soon I bet you'll see
Without you I would never be me
You are the leaves of my family tree

Sing together
If you knew me from the very start, or not at all you're still a part, just
Sing together
It's the least I can do
My final gift to you
Oo oo oo

Piglet's Adoption Story, Part 4 (The Finale)

...My little girl had just been born!

 That was early Friday morning, and the next few days in the hospital were a bit of a blur. A blissfully wonderful blur full of holding, swaying, feeding, swooning, smiling, singing, and healing. We met Ray's dad and son, Bjorn, and some of Ray and Melissa's friends came to meet us and offer their love and support. That part of the experience was faith-inspiring and left both Nick and I in awe of the responsibilities we now had as Alexa's parents.

Alexa's half-brother, Bjorn, and Alexa in the hospital. He bought her booties and a necklace.

Ray left for scout camp on Saturday, and so Saturday night Nick was able to have Alexa in our room to love and feed and I spent the night in Melissa's room to give her a shoulder to cry on or a friend's ear to talk in if she needed it. There was so much love between each of our families one to another at that time. And because of a beautiful baby girl, we were all very much united as a family. Just as we always should have been.

Ray and Melissa with Alexa before Ray left for scout camp.

On Sunday we were allowed to go home, and placement was done in early afternoon. It was awful. I think I expected it to be exciting, and maybe I was a little excited, but the excitement really didn't set in until we were driving away from the hospital. Up until then all of our hearts were breaking. Watching Melissa cry and knowing there was a very simple way I could mend her aching, and yet it was not my decision to make, was just awful! As we walked out of the hospital doors, and both Nick and I both hugged Melissa. As she and I hugged, between sobs she whispered in my ear "Don't let me take her back tomorrow." I reassured her that this was the right decision and that overtime things would get better. I hugged her again, and we all went our separate ways. Finally to our home with our daughter in the back seat.

Melissa and our case worker with Alexa right before placement.

That night Nick ran over to Wal-Mart to get "burp cloths" (cheap wash cloths that we now use as rags) and a crib. It was a late night, but Alexa and I enjoyed watching dad put her bed together as his first official Daddy project. We all went to sleep in our respective beds and woke up many times for feedings, relishing every moment. 

Daddy putting the crib together, and Alexa using it for the first time.

Monday morning Nick had to go to work for just a couple of hours, so Alexa and I stayed home, where I just held her, didn't shower, and talked with friends and family on the phone. I think it was about 10am when I got a call from Nick, and as I type this my heart is just starting to pound a little. He told me Melissa changed her mind and had sent us a text that simply said "I want my baby back." My legs went numb and I slid my back down the wall and collapsed holding my daughter as tight as possible. This couldn't be possible!

And yet it was. We called our case worker in a panic and he made his way down to Ray and Melissa's home to discuss the repercussions of this decision. And so we waited. We waited to hear from him until 9pm that night, all the while hoping for the best and trying to avoid our thoughts from thinking the worst. We sat on the couch and watched a movie that we would feel good about never watching again if things went poorly: Nova's Ancient Refuge in the Holy Land. Oh yes, we also prayed. We prayed constantly! Out-loud, in silence, and on the phone with family. My goodness did we pour our hearts out to our God on that day, more than I ever had before or have since.

{Sorry, not a lot of pictures from this day. As you can probably imagine, it wasn't a day we really wanted to capture in photos.}

When we did get our case worker's phone call, he was somber and very tired. He told us she had not changed her mind and that we were to meet at his office at 10am Tuesday morning to hand over our daughter so he could return her to Melissa. Our hearts broke - it felt almost literally. We decided that on our last night together we would do everything we had dreamed of doing with Alexa that we could do with an infant. We read every book we treasured with her (ie. The Sneetches, The Lorax, Pat the Bunny, etc.), we told her every family/funny story we could think of, and we sang every song that we thought she might like. Once we were all too tired to stay awake any longer, we went to bed, but this night we couldn't bear to let her sleep alone...or maybe we couldn't bear to be without her for any longer than was necessary. Yeah, that's definitely it.

It's hard to describe how the following morning went in our home. We were quiet, constant tears were being shed, and heartfelt silent prayers were being offered without ceasing. Nick offered a special prayer, a Father's blessing, for Alexa that morning, as she was soon to leave our hands and we'd probably never see her again. We wrote a letter to Ray and Melissa expressing our love for them and for Alexa. We put that note in a bag full of things they would need: diapers, clothes, bottles, etc. We also decided that if this was going to be the last memory Alexa would have with us, we wanted it to be a positive one. If by some miracle she were to remember us, we wanted her to remember us as strong, loving, and happy people. So, we put our best foot forward by dressing our best and left for the adoption agency.

One last picture with Alexa, and one last one of her in her carseat. Doesn't Nick's face break your heart?

We arrived at 9:45, and we drove as slow as slow as humanly possible. Our case worker said that was the first time anyone ever arrived to a placement reversal early, so he gave us some time with Alexa. He said we could have all the time we wanted, and so we suggested driving until we got to Mexico. In our last moments with Alexa, I gave her a kiss while she was still in her carseat, but I didn't want to hold her again. It was too much. Nick wanted to hold her one last time before handing her to our case worker and then walking away. So he did - and he sobbed. And so I sobbed. And our case worker checked his phone (??)...because he had just received a text message.

From Melissa.

It said something along the lines that she had made a mistake and that Alexa should stay with us! Of course that all had to be confirmed, but after about 20 minutes of not breathing and being confused as all get out, our case worker came back in the room. (Nick and I decided that feeling must be what insanity is like. We were just so emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted and the ups and downs were just too high and too low to have life make any sense at all. That's insanity.) Our case worker held his phone up to me to read it...and the screen had turned dark! 

OH MY GOSH!! One more second of not knowing and my heart could have exploded!

Okay, so once I could read the message, it was from Melissa and it said that she meant what she had texted before and that she was wrong in asking for Alexa back. She belonged in our family.

Readers, I have lived a life of faith and spirituality, and I may live a hundred more years and never witness a miracle as blatantly obvious as I did on that February morning.

Nick and I decided to not call or tell anyone until the relinquishment paperwork had been filed with the court, so we waited for our case worker to draw up the paperwork, we drove with him to the court house, waited for him to come out after filing, and then on the way home began calling family members (who were all crying when we spoke with them). We were driving home, once again, with our little girl in the back seat.

Only this time it was permanent.

And suddenly we got very hungry (we realized we hadn't really eaten an actual meal in about 20 hours), so we pit stopped at Little Caesar's for a Hot n' Ready pizza. We now look back on those 24 hours, when we we must think of them, as the most challenging of our life. It's also the day I think of that when I forget how blessed I am to be ALexa's mom. Nick and I wanted this life enough to fight so hard for it. We would have done anything to keep Alexa in our family that day, and everyday since then. 

At the end of those awful 24 hours. So tired but so happy.

It's hard to imagine we maybe setting ourselves up for that type of craziness again...but it's so easy to see now that every pain and tear and prayer was more than worth it.  

Our family sealed together for time and all eternity: October 8, 2011

***I want to take this moment to be perfectly clear that we harbor no ill-feelings towards Melissa or Ray or anyone for anything that happened during those awful 24 hours. They made us stronger as a family and deepened our conviction that adoption was/is the right thing for our family more than anything else ever could. They strengthened our faith in God, in our family, and in the power of prayer. As hard as they were, I wouldn't trade them for anything...especially since I now know the outcome is awesome!***

My Thoughts on Teen/Single Moms

Remember that one time before Alexa (I barely do sometimes...) that I was working? Well, I was, and I worked for this non-profit in Denver that helped run an alternative high school for teen moms. Maybe you've heard of it: Florence Crittenton High School? Ring any bells?

Well, if it does ring any bells, it might be because that high school is now the subject of the new TLC show High School Moms. I haven't been able to watch any episodes yet, but I've seen clips and interviews and mostly the school looks just as incredible on TV as it does in real life.

While I was working there, seeing all these pregnant or parenting teen moms, and at that time very much wanting my own children in my family, the question I got most often was "Is it really hard working there?"

I don't know this student, but I know the nurse and she is one of the most fabulous people ever met!

I must admit that some days/situations were harder to bare than others, but mostly I found so much unexpected love, admiration, respect, and joy for those moms and their children! I was planning on going in there, doing my data analysis work, and going home. The problem with that plan was that as I spoke with the students and learned of their love and dedication to their children and families that it was so easy to fall in love with them and their children! My whole experience there made it possible for me to let go of my jealousy and envy and anger towards single moms who choose to parent and embrace them as loving mothers, just like me.

My sister was a teen mom and parented her daughter (Abby), and is now a wonderful mother to her three children. She is married to her children's father, and they have created a wonderful family together of which I admire and strive to emulate on a regular basis.

 Me, my niece Abby, and my Sister Cindy after a trip to the mall.

I hold no resentment towards teen moms or single moms, like Hayley, who choose to parent their children instead of placing them for adoption. They're not preventing me from parenting my own children, they're just loving theirs. How can I be angry when their biggest crime is that they love their children too much to let them go? My only hope is that I can help them through their challenges as a mother, as I hope they can also help me through mine. Lord knows my life has been immeasurably blessed by teen/single moms, and I am so grateful for those moms who have shown me so much of what being a loving mom is all about.

***Disclaimer: Alexa's birthmom does not fit that single or teen mom description at all, so I maintain that my admiration for teen/single mom's is unbiased and extremely reliable. I have not been compensated for this post, nor will I be because, honestly, no one is willing to pay me for it.*** 

Music Monday

Come Go With Me, The Beach Boys

This is how I'm feeling these days. Good. Blessed to be around such wonderful people, and sealed eternally to most of them. So happy.

Failed Adoption, Remembered Blessings

I've written about our failed adoption before in very little detail here and here, but this is the first post in which I have used names or pictures, of course with pertinent party's permission. My guess is I have a couple more posts in regards to this experience up my sleeve in the future.

Every night, just before we read scriptures together and go to sleep for the night, Nick and I write in our Blessing Book, which is a joint daily journal where we record one way we've each seen the hand of the Lord in our lives that day. Tuesday night, just after writing in it about scheduling our first couple of home study interviews, a flood of memories of anxiety and anticipation came rushing back in my mind. I opened up our previous, completed book and it fell open to the following entry:

December 30, 2010

[Nick's Entry] Today we drove to Roseburg and met Hayley, Hannah, and their family. We were at their home for nearly 4.5 hours. We talked about our feelings about adoption and parenting, played with Hannah, ate lunch, and had a wonderful time. I got to hold Hannah while she slept for about 90 min. She is a beautiful little girl and if it's right we would love to have her as a part of our family. We were very impressed with Hayley's parents and siblings as well. The meeting generally went as well as we could have hoped. We are still waiting for Hayley to decide, but we already feel close to Hayley, Hannah, and the whole family.

[My Entry] There were some really tender moments today while talking about open adoption and what we really want for our children. We want them to know they are loved tremendously, which is why they were placed for adoption. It was clear that assertion gave Hayley and her mother, Jesse, a lot of peace. They are such a good family and I hope and pray that over the coming years we get to stay in contact with them no matter what. They are dear people and it would be an honor to have them in our family and us in theirs. It is comforting to know that whatever happens Hannah will have a wonderful life.

 Hannah and Hayley on the day we met.

I continued to read, and read, and read. I was captivated by my own story, like it was from another person in another time and place altogether. All those loving thoughts towards Hayley, Hannah, and their family came rushing back into my mind, and I sincerely missed them. I missed the connectedness I felt with them as we went through the crazy ups and downs of that particular adoption experience. And then, in an extremely familiar way, I longed for our next child, and then in a not so familiar way, I longed for the relationship we will have with their birth family. That was a new and exciting feeling!

We don't have a daughter named Hannah, but we do love a little girl named Hannah almost as if she was our own, because for about 24 hours in our hearts and minds, she was going to be. It was so easy to fall in love with her, Hayley, and their family. Hayley and I still exchange emails every couple of months (so grateful for those), we're friends on Facebook so we can see pictures of Hannah being amazing, and we follow each others' blogs to keep up on each others' lives.

As for Hannah, just as I said she would, she has such a wonderful life with her mom, aunt, uncles, and grandparents. Even though that experience was very hard, stressful, and caused a lot of intense work-out sessions (I guess that's not so bad), I wouldn't change that experience for the world. Hannah and Hayley continue to touch and change our lives for the better, and they are so loved and honored in our home, and will be forever.

Hayley and I have even talked about having a playdate with our girls, so I hope someday we can still pull that off. Trip to Alaska, anyone??

Love Grows!

When Alexa woke up from her nap yesterday just a couple hours into the whole ordeal, she was just crying and crying and I decided to go in and see if I couldn't soothe her back to sleep.

I just held her and rocked with her.

I did this for 1 hour and 20 minutes. That wasn't expected, but very welcomed.

While I was holding and reading Peter Pan to her I got to thinking: "it's not fair that I will not get to do this with our other kids." The more kids we add to our family the more my time has to be divided between each of them. I desperately want my babies with me, but it's just not fair that they won't get as much of me as I want to give or feel like I they deserve to have.

And so I held Alexa a bit tighter.

I may have shed a little tear, mourning for the pending craziness of my future life where I won't be able to take up my child for 80 minutes and just hold him/her. By ourselves. Without interruption.  Just one more gesture that I could make to help them know how much I love them.

I was saddened by that thought and then this idea scurried across my mind for just a moment: "I'm pretty sure I can be happy as a mom of just one beautiful baby girl, and then she can have all my attention, and all my love."

But just at that moment, this musing entered my mind: "Love Grows."

Time may not be able to be justly divided between everything and everyone I love, but that thought gave me hope. The pounding in my chest as I feel my heart pump out love for my daughter and husband will only get more powerful with every new addition to our family. The joy I feel each day as my daughter embraces me with a tight neck-hug or a slobbery open-mouth cheek-kiss will only widen and deepen with every child that comes into our home.

My mourning turned into songs of rejoicing once I realized that even though nearly everything in this world we experience is finite in expanse and scope, love is the one exception. It grows and grows and grows until your heart feels like it may not be able to contain all the love that is growing up inside it and is then poured out from overflowing cups of love and joy as little drops of tears from one's eye.

There is no need to fear the impossible list of future responsibilities and tasks that will surely unjustly steal away those precious moments I wish I could have with each of my children when I know that God has given us such an incredible gift. He gave us the capability to experience and share love with one another. And then, as if that wasn't enough, we get to grow right along with love and are able to watch love grow and develop into a starry night of infinite beauty and possibilities filled with relationships of our families and dear friends. 

I so gratefully praise the Lord that love grows!

Mourning My Fertile Life

I think this is the third time I've started this post, because I've had the feelings and thoughts but have been unsure how to form them coherently.

That was until I watched this video (again) and realized that sometimes I, like NieNie, mourn for the loss of the woman I thought I was going to become. By now I thought I was going to be a young mom with 4 kids under the age of 6 with one on the way and planning on having at least 2-3 more. I wanted to have that beautiful family of young children causing raucous during church with my hair frazzled and exhausted at days end because I had worked so hard at being a pregnant mom trying to wrangle my small but growing family. That woman I imagined had been bred for motherhood glory, endowed with child-bearing hips and so many babysitting opportunities in her youth it would make anyone's head spin! She was everything every other mom looked to as a pillar of strength because she fulfilled all her responsibilities with her young family and still served others willingly and faithfully and kept her home cute and beautiful. Her life was far too perfect to be actually real for anyone to be living. It was unrealistic, sure, but in some sense plausible.

Occasionally, more often as we go through adoption paperwork, I mourn over the loss of that once idealistic scenario of mine. That picture in my head of that woman I thought I would become fades with every passing day that I am not pregnant or not adopting another child. I do--I really mourn that woman because I know she will never exist. At least not how I pictured her...not how I pictured myself and my life and my family. Many tears have been shed over her, and many more are still to come, I'm certain of that.

I am already 25, almost 26, and have only one baby and there are currently 4 exposed nails pounded into my walls where frames have been removed and nothing has replaced them. The mother and homemaker at one time I thought I would be at this point is a fantasy, and sometimes when I linger on that fantasy I forget about the fantastical life I do have.

My husband is a wonderful provider, financially, spiritually, emotionally, et cetera-ly for our family. He loves me and we just celebrated a wonderful 6th anniversary together this past Saturday.

My daughter is a miracle in our family placed with us for time and eternity by two wonderfully amazing parents who love her as much as Nick and I do. Not many parents have people in their children's lives that love their children as much as they do, but our children do/will.

I had the opportunity to get an advanced education where learned so many fascinating things, but mostly that I am capable of doing things I never thought I could. In that vision I had of myself in the past, I never ever was doing data analysis and really enjoying my work. That wasn't my "area" of skill or interest.

I think perhaps the thing I am most grateful for that I could not have ever guessed as a younger woman was that I would eventually be so incredibly grateful for the trial of infertility as much I am today. How could I have known that the experiences related to my greatest trial (so far) would shape my faith and the way I serve others and the compassion I have for others and the love I have for my husband and daughter so abundantly that I can't imagine my life without those experiences? And why would I want to?

I  have such a wonderful life and I am blessed everyday to be living in it! Sometimes thoughts of that once-fantasy life creeps in my mind and I once again take a moment to mourn the loss of that young mother who has it all and can grow her family whenever she wants. Sure those thoughts come, and I honestly don't want those thoughts to ever go away completely. While the specifics can't be as I thought they would be, the happy home and family I imagined certainly can be. That vision, while different, is a lot closer and more attainable than I sometimes think it is. And those visions I receive of that version of me who has "it all" keeps me striving for "it all" (as much as I can control) in my current circumstance.

And even if I never have another child, or a dog, or a home that is the envy of the neighborhood, I still have such a beautiful life! And I am grateful for it everyday!

I honestly wouldn't change a thing...except for maybe those exposed nails on the wall. Something must be done there. 

My Wonderful, Destructive Life

Can I just say, having a toddler is WAY different and WAY harder than having a baby. Alexa isn't even walking yet and she is just on a path of destruction through our house all the time!

Very cute destruction, but destruction nonetheless.

Seriously, she has broken so many things of mine (camera lens, phone charger, and jump rope to name a few), my pants are constantly dirtied with graham cracker/other food remnants, and pulling things out then crawling away without playing with them at all is still one of her favorite activities.

Just to be clear though, I'm not complaining, not even a little bit. If anything I'm praising my little destructive rugrat. She, in all her craziness, is allowing me to do what I've always wanted to do, and that's be a mom. Most of the time that means I have to make hard choices in how I spend my precious free time (which means blogging has taken a back seat), but I think the best problem in the whole world is that I have too many great ways to spend my time!

Sure, we've been having problems (totally had a Mommy meltdown last week-ish). Yeah she's been working on getting four molars in, and we've been transitioning her naps from two-a-day to one-a-day, and all that has been hard for everyone. However, I truly would not trade our worst days for anyone else's best days.

And why would I? I have such a wonderful life filled with such wonderful moments! Not the least of which is when Alexa presses her face against the glass on the entertainment center. I really can't get enough of this picture!

Happy Wednesday!

The Parent of All Virtues

A lot of familiar feelings have been creeping into my life recently that I have forgotten to have since about a year ago. One of which is this longing for something I desperately want and feel like I can do nothing about, which is kinda annoying. It's really not the feeling that's annoying, it's feeling that feeling that's annoying, like I'm taking steps backwards in my personal progression. (Clear as mud, right?) Shouldn't I be beyond getting frustrated over my reproductive capabilities?

I guess I naively thought that since these feelings took a sabbatical during my new-mommy-honeymoon-stage that they would stay away for good. I don't know why I was surprised when they came back, but I was. After my initial shock wore off I thought "well, what are you going to do about it?"

A couple Sundays ago I gave a comment in church that was a revelation from God that answered my own question. Be Grateful. Life can be so full if one is only grateful for what they have and then recognize that everything they are grateful for comes from God. I love this quote on gratitude:

We can lift ourselves and others as well when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude. If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues. Someone has said that “gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.”

Publicly I would like to say that I am so grateful for my life! For my husband, daughter, family, and friends. Whether we have 1 kid or 100 kids or anything in between I have such a full and happy life and so much gratitude for my Father in Heaven who has entrusted me with all these blessings.

I look forward to all the blessings and miracles (big and little) that will come into our life!