Turn Down the Funk

I got a bit grumpy yesterday afternoon for really no reason at all. Sure I felt like I was juggling 18 different things and had to get to soccer practice and there was little cooperation from the kids, but that's just normal Tuesday business.

It was when I full-on raised my voice, throwing out the middle name and everything, because I thought Alexa was squirting her Capri-Sun all over the patio when in fact it was just a spray bottle that I realized I was clearly in the wrong. I gave her a hug and tried to mend it, but the damage had been done...harshly and unnecessarily.

There's a saying: "Four things come not back: the spoken word, the spent arrow, the past, the
neglected opportunity." - Omar Idn Al-Halif

Truly there was no reason for the little funk I was in, but instead of really trying to get out of it, I made small, pathetic efforts and lost my temper again. It was silly and really bumming everybody out! Eventually the evening got better, but it was not because of me.

This morning I read a beautiful message by the Prophet of God concerning love, and it was the best parenting advice I've received in a long while -- possibly ever. Here are some excerpts from that message (emphases added):

"'Why is it that the [ones] we love [most] become so frequently the targets of our harsh words? Why is it that [we] sometimes speak as if with daggers that cut to the quick?' The answer to these questions may be different for each of us, and yet the bottom line is that the reasons do not matter. If we would keep the commandment to love one another, we must treat each other with kindness and respect."

"I would hope that we would strive always to be considerate and to be sensitive to the thoughts and feelings and circumstances of those around us. Let us not demean or belittle. Rather, let us be compassionate and encouraging. We must be careful that we do not destroy another person's confidence through careless words or actions."

"As we arise each morning, let us determine to respond with love and kindness to whatever might come our way."

For me it is easy to forget sometimes that because my children do not always treat me with love and kindness or as a person with needs or feelings that it's okay to treat them the same way. But I, as their mother, need to exemplify the behavior I want them to emulate, and thus need to remember that children are people, too, like me, with tummies that get hungry and cause crankiness, or with frustrations that they need help to overcome, or simply with days that they just get into a funk for no reason at all!

In my quest to yell less and love more, I have thought many times "she is a person -- how do you speak to a person?" It's been simple, but powerful, because the reasons for harsh words and short-tempers do not matter when we've been commanded by Jesus Christ himself to "love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another."

So no matter what, I will do my best to respond with love and kindness to whatever might come my way, because I want to feel confident in knowing that my behavior, specifically my words and tone, would not change if the Savior stood beside me.

Today has been much less funky.

Parenting Principles from Potty-Training

Last week I started trying to potty train Alexa...again. See, I tried back in May for a day and a half and promptly gave up deciding between James being 2 months old and our moving plans, diapers would just be easier for a while longer.

So I began again, really going at it Wednesday with a half day of work on Tuesday. So far I have decided/learned a few things as a parent through this whole experience:

1. Potty training is the WORST!!

2. It's going to take Alexa more than a half a day or a week to really get it down, no matter how much prep or research I do, but I really hope less than 2.5 years like I've heard of it taking other kiddos.

3. You get what you deserve as a parent, I suppose...so over breakfast I bestowed "A Mother's Curse" upon Alexa to have an extremely strong-willed child when she becomes a mom. I maybe a bad mom now, but it made me feel a lot better!

4. Sometimes you have to stick to your guns and really drive a point home, like no biting, even when potty-training.

5. And sometimes you have to let things go and at 5 o' clock, after cleaning up way too many accidents, put the kiddo in a diaper, really laugh with your girl, go on a walk as a family, and just begin fresh tomorrow.

6. How quickly your child toilet trains is not a reflection of your ability to parent said child...I just need to repeat this to myself 80 times a day.

7. There are far more important things than potty-training, like getting your son sealed to you on Saturday. In the big scheme of things, this little challenge really doesn't matter at all -- assuming that I use it to shape mine and my daughter's character in the best way possible.

8. It's far more important what comes out of my mouth than what comes out of Alexa's bum...and where whatever comes out ends up.

And just to inspire us all this week, a couple quotes I really like!

(All these are pinned, with sources, on my Wordy Pinterest Board -- the embed feature was not working)

My Arms and Heart Are Full!

Recently I have found my arms to be very full. Most recently that happened in church today when Nick was asked to sit on the stand to leave me with my two beautiful babies.

That's right readers, two!

James Robert Nelson, born 3/17/13 -- he's our lucky little leprechaun

I am very much aware I haven't posted in a couple weeks, but that's because, like I said, my arms have been a little full. I'll give more details about my beautiful new family (including our beautiful new birthmom) tomorrow and later this week, but on this Easter Sunday, my thoughts are focused more so on my Savior.

My arms have been full of children mostly (along with bottles, burp cloths, and oh, so many diapers!). Because of this I wish I could always have a floating camera and photographer at the ready because I would have them take pictures of us instead of me unloading all my goods and try to finagle a sweet picture of a now lost moment.

For example, I would get a picture of James in my left arm and Alexa cuddled under my right arm as we all snuggle on the couch together. I would have gotten a picture of us in church today when Alexa laid her head on my left leg and I was holding James in my right arm. Thinking about how my Lord and Savior has immeasurably blessed my life while holding my little angels in my arms has been my favorite part of this Easter Day.

I always tell people that I've had a hard time imagining myself as a mom of two in the past because...I don't know, I guess imagining one child was fairly easy. I just assumed I would always have one child because it was so important to me. What I've discovered today is that vision of my life with two kids was always difficult to imagine because I thought it was a bit presumptuous, after all I've already been given, to ask God for a child, and then downright selfish to ask for another when so many people I know would give all they have for just one child.

I'm so glad (and moved to tears) that God is merciful enough to grant us the desires of our hearts even when we have done absolutely nothing to deserve it. Additionally, He will comfort us through the power of the infinite atonement as we wait for the tears to drop from our eyes so that we are able to see the hand of God, ever present, in our lives. How patient and merciful He is with us, and how willing He is to bless us with more than we would ever dream of asking for!

 Happy Easter from the Nelson Family, all 4 of us!

Truly, my arms and my heart are full today!

The Luxury of Adoption

I have an acquaintance who just announced she's having twins, a boy and a girl. We have another friend who had twin girls last year.

At one time I really wanted that, (as a kid I said I always wanted "twin boys and an older sister") and now I think it's highly unlikely that will ever happen. Or at least it probably won't happen in the way I thought it would. But like many things when your a kid, you get a little older and realize that's not what you really want at all.

When I envision my future family, instead of blonde/brown haired children with similar genetic patterns, I think I now picture something that looks a little more like this family, The Dennehys (YOU NEED TO FOLLOW THAT LINK!!).

Favorite quote from the video: "We're such victims of our culture because our culture tells us your kids have to look perfect and be in all the perfect schools and you can't do that with a big family, but if you just concentrate on what's important the rest will follow."

I was talking with my Mother-in-Law the other day and telling her how privileged I feel to be able to look at children in need of a home and family and immediately think "Is there something I can do?" instead of families who are strictly biological who may not have that luxury of thinking that way.

I call it a luxury very intentionally. I do not mean to say that I am a Saint for adopting the one child I have adopted, but I do know of the luxurious feeling I have when I think of what my family will be like someday. The essence of the lap of luxury is love, and that's what adoption is!

Adopting is not about us giving a loving home and family to children, it's about our children receiving a loving home and family and life that they may not have otherwise have had. Adoption was never about Nick or me, it has always been about our kids.

Alright Sneetch, please come soon so we can take the next step on this road to our family together! We're so excited to meet you, and seeing families like The Dennehy's make us all the more excited! Love ya, kido!

(If you want to learn more about The Dennehy's, you can YouTube them or follow this link where the dad talks about how they got each one of their kids.)

My Cup, and Everything Else, Runneth Over

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever. (Psalm 23:4-6)

My heart is so full today, not necessarily because of anything in particular, but my life is just so blessed. Everyday I am a mom I know is a blessing and a gift that was given to me and that I could not give to myself.

Because there are no words to adequately describe my feelings, I will not try to do so. I just love Melissa and Ray and our future children's birth-families so much!

I am particularly grateful for this moment, and this morning, and every time we find our daughter after nap or bedtime completely or on her way to being naked. It's just so great and I feel so blessed! I love my family so much!

Music Monday: I Will Follow God's Plan for Me

"I Will Follow God's Plan," Tabernacle Choir

I believe every word of this beautiful children's song. "And I will be happy..."

Turns Out Nike Was Right

"Whatever we learn to do, we learn by actually doing it."

-Aristotle, William J. Bennett (1993). The Book of Virtues: A Treasury of Great Moral Stories. New York: Simon & Schuster.

That prose seems simple enough when said aloud, but translating those simple words into action is the challenge of a lifetime.

But Aristotle did not say this just so we could apply these words to obtain a certain skill or master a certain craft. No, ultimately he was discussing moral virtue as something that needs just as much practice and repetition as any other skill or hobby is achieved through simply doing it.

From the same speech Aristotle continues, "...men come to be builders, for instance, by building, and harp players, by playing the harp. In the same way, by doing just acts we come to be just; by doing self-controlled acts, we come to be self-controlled; and by doing brave acts, we become brave..." (I added the italics to draw out some points...it's my blog post, I can do what I want)

So does that mean by watching the many episodes of Parks and Recreation on Netflix yesterday that I did while house cleaning I am an excessive TV watcher?

I think it does.

So then, moving forward, what characteristics do I want to define me throughout my life and long after I'm gone? I assure you TV-addict is not one of them.

I want to be known as reliable, hard-working, knowledge-seeking, and self-disciplined. I want to be one who is said to have read-much, baked-well, and served often. I want to be someone who loves music, relishes life, and inspires others. Mostly though, I want to be thought of and remembered as a supportive, loving, and fun wife and mother.

That list could go on and on, but as Aristotle and Nike said, I need to Just Do It. If I want those things, I need to act reliably, work hard, seek knowledge, discipline myself, and so on. It's difficult to do any of those things while on Facebook, Netflix, Hulu, Pinterest, or whatever else detracts us from acting and doing whatever it is that we want to define us.

Today I plan on doing things to let others know through my actions that I love and am grateful for the life I've been given! La Vita é Bella!

Book Review: Same Kind of Different As Me

 Same Kind of Different As Me by Ron Hall & Denver Moore with Lynn Vincent

I finished reading this book a few weeks back, so sorry I'm just getting to the review now. It really is an interesting true story written by two men: Ron--a rich white guy, and Denver--a poor black man. It's the story of how they got to be where they were in their life when their paths crossed and then became best friends, and then of course a bit after that as well. Ron's wife is also a key piece of the story but she's not an author.

For me the book started out a bit slow, but once I got about a third of the way into it I gobbled it up in only a few sit-downs. What really blew my mind was Denver's perspective as a modern-day slave fueled by ignorance, lack of education, and sustained poverty. Eventually he decided his life would be better homeless, so that's what he did. Reading his perspective on homelessness really opened my eyes to a world I just don't understand. Interesting stuff.

What was really cool was this co-authorship. In one chapter one would be sharing a story and their feelings on it and in the next the other would pick-up where the other left off with their own thoughts and feelings regarding the same experience. It really didn't feel like they were holding back at all, which made me feel like they could be sitting right in front of me just having a conversation.

The other thing that made that conversational feeling more prominent was the writing style sounded like they were talking complete with slang words and punctuation that emphasized their geographical drawl. For example, Denver said “But sometimes we has to be thankful for the things that hurt us,' I said, 'cause sometimes God does things that hurts us but they help somebody else.” And Ron said in another portion “To love a man enough to help him, you have to forfeit the warm, self-righteous glow that comes from judging.”

Cool message and cool writing, right? Excellent book club book if you're looking.

Anyway, the point is I think it's a great book and would highly recommend it, but since it took me a little bit to get into, I'm going to give it

★ ★ ★ ★ ☆

Book Review: Heaven is Here

Heaven is Here: An incredible story of hope, triumph, and everyday joy; Stephanie Nielson 

(picture by me)

Summary: A mom/wife who has a picture-perfect life gets into an airplane crash with her husband and she nearly dies due to her burns she received on 80% of her body. She talks about her life before her crash, when she wakes up in the hospital and her healing there, and then her life after she leaves the hospital. She continues to write on her blog, the nieniedialogues.com

So I don't have a whole lot to say about this book, at least not in this post. I kind of already expressed my initial thoughts while reading here, and I'm sure there are more posts to come. Good literature should inspire and uplift one to change, and that's what this book did for me, and I intend to share those changes with our blog readers! 

The long and the short of it is that I thought this book was fantastic! You all should know by now I am a sucker for an incredible memoir, and this one is no exception. I bought the book when it first came out because I was pretty sure I would love it, and I'm so glad I did. I plan on reading it again and again and loaning it to friends so we all can have a greater appreciation for the lives we have and each of the small, daily blessings we receive from God.

I love it when I feel better about my own life after I read a book, that's what good literature should do. That's what this book did.

For sure, this book gets

★ ★ ★ ★ ★ 

I highly recommend this book to everyone! 

Mourning My Fertile Life

I think this is the third time I've started this post, because I've had the feelings and thoughts but have been unsure how to form them coherently.

That was until I watched this video (again) and realized that sometimes I, like NieNie, mourn for the loss of the woman I thought I was going to become. By now I thought I was going to be a young mom with 4 kids under the age of 6 with one on the way and planning on having at least 2-3 more. I wanted to have that beautiful family of young children causing raucous during church with my hair frazzled and exhausted at days end because I had worked so hard at being a pregnant mom trying to wrangle my small but growing family. That woman I imagined had been bred for motherhood glory, endowed with child-bearing hips and so many babysitting opportunities in her youth it would make anyone's head spin! She was everything every other mom looked to as a pillar of strength because she fulfilled all her responsibilities with her young family and still served others willingly and faithfully and kept her home cute and beautiful. Her life was far too perfect to be actually real for anyone to be living. It was unrealistic, sure, but in some sense plausible.

Occasionally, more often as we go through adoption paperwork, I mourn over the loss of that once idealistic scenario of mine. That picture in my head of that woman I thought I would become fades with every passing day that I am not pregnant or not adopting another child. I do--I really mourn that woman because I know she will never exist. At least not how I pictured her...not how I pictured myself and my life and my family. Many tears have been shed over her, and many more are still to come, I'm certain of that.

I am already 25, almost 26, and have only one baby and there are currently 4 exposed nails pounded into my walls where frames have been removed and nothing has replaced them. The mother and homemaker at one time I thought I would be at this point is a fantasy, and sometimes when I linger on that fantasy I forget about the fantastical life I do have.

My husband is a wonderful provider, financially, spiritually, emotionally, et cetera-ly for our family. He loves me and we just celebrated a wonderful 6th anniversary together this past Saturday.

My daughter is a miracle in our family placed with us for time and eternity by two wonderfully amazing parents who love her as much as Nick and I do. Not many parents have people in their children's lives that love their children as much as they do, but our children do/will.

I had the opportunity to get an advanced education where learned so many fascinating things, but mostly that I am capable of doing things I never thought I could. In that vision I had of myself in the past, I never ever was doing data analysis and really enjoying my work. That wasn't my "area" of skill or interest.

I think perhaps the thing I am most grateful for that I could not have ever guessed as a younger woman was that I would eventually be so incredibly grateful for the trial of infertility as much I am today. How could I have known that the experiences related to my greatest trial (so far) would shape my faith and the way I serve others and the compassion I have for others and the love I have for my husband and daughter so abundantly that I can't imagine my life without those experiences? And why would I want to?

I  have such a wonderful life and I am blessed everyday to be living in it! Sometimes thoughts of that once-fantasy life creeps in my mind and I once again take a moment to mourn the loss of that young mother who has it all and can grow her family whenever she wants. Sure those thoughts come, and I honestly don't want those thoughts to ever go away completely. While the specifics can't be as I thought they would be, the happy home and family I imagined certainly can be. That vision, while different, is a lot closer and more attainable than I sometimes think it is. And those visions I receive of that version of me who has "it all" keeps me striving for "it all" (as much as I can control) in my current circumstance.

And even if I never have another child, or a dog, or a home that is the envy of the neighborhood, I still have such a beautiful life! And I am grateful for it everyday!

I honestly wouldn't change a thing...except for maybe those exposed nails on the wall. Something must be done there. 

Dreaming and Doing

I have spent more time than I should have in the past few days dreaming instead of doing. Does that ever happen to you? You dream so much and your dreams seem so nice that actually being productive in reality gets in the way. Mostly I've been feeling that all my dreams can't come to fruition right now due to any number of reasons: it's impractical, there's not enough money, there's one too many kids to get things done, there's too many cysts on my ovaries. You get the idea.

Am I the only one that ever feels this way? A bit limited by my circumstances; like my dreams are too big for me to actually do anything about? (For example, I spent a precious naptime on a website last week creating my dream house. I only got through the first floor before I realized what an incredible waste of time the "project" was.)

(Looks cool though right?)

One of my favorite speakers gave me a nice counterpoint on the matter:

"Everyone can create. You don’t need money, position, or influence in order to create something of substance or beauty. Creation brings deep satisfaction and fulfillment. We develop ourselves and others when we take unorganized matter into our hands and mold it into something of beauty...What you create doesn’t have to be perfect. So what if the eggs are greasy or the toast is burned? Don’t let fear of failure discourage you. Don’t let the voice of critics paralyze you—whether that voice comes from the outside or the inside."

I nearly let my own interior critic stop me from making a new meal I had never done before. It was so simple, but because I didn't know one step in the process I didn't actually make it for weeks. On Tuesday I did it! No, it wasn't perfect, but I did it, and sometimes that's the hardest part. The same fear (no surprise it was another cooking ambition) overcame me on April 1st until Nick said "it seems like you are trying to come up with every excuse not to make these. Either do it or don't and move on."

Ya know what? The cinnamon rolls turned out delicious and we ended up taking some to a new family in the area. The question at hand is then, why do I let this inner-naysayer make so many decisions for me, and paralyze me in such a crippling way? Someone once told me to never take advice from your fears. For some that's easy, but it is a constant battle for me to just start something, especially if I haven't done it before.

That same favorite speaker of mine, in a different discourse, said this:

"Let’s make sure to set our 'do it' switch always to the 'now' position!"

Today I am going to do that. I am not going to waste precious time thinking of what could be instead of creating what could be. No, I can't do everything that my clever mind concocts, but there's a lot more I can do as I set out with my "do it switch" in the "now position."

There's a lot more I find can be done, despite my circumstances, when I spend less time dreaming and more time doing.

Book Review: The Glass Castle

The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls

I just read this book for book club tonight and even though I had read it before (about 2 years ago) I couldn't wait to get into it again because I love LOVE LOVE this book!! Before I get carried away, here is a brief synopsis of the book:

• It is a memoir, the true childhood story of the author.
• It begins with Jeannette trying to reconcile her feelings about her mom being homeless in New York, and to work through these uneasy feelings she begins to talk about her childhood. And so the story goes from her first memory when she was about 3 to when she moved out of her parent's house at 16 and then to how she got to be where she is now.
• There is a lot of hard stuff to read in this book, and yes, there is some (quite a bit) of bad language, but all the language issues are spoken by her dad who is just a rough and tumble kind of guy. You just have to decide if that's something you're okay with, and for me, I don't feel like a bad person for reading it.
• There really is a lot of hard stuff to read in the story. It is very sad for the majority of the book, just the experiences she had no child should have to go through, but there is such hope and child-like innocence in her writing that the sad stuff is only sad to the reader for a while, and that helps me get through it.
• However, there is a lot of really amazing things to read in this story. The coolest part about this book, Jeannette's life, is the juxtaposition of her family's loyalty to one another and also their contempt for each other's life choices. On the one hand it's completely insane, and on the other it makes complete sense. (Maybe that says more about my sanity than the people in the story's.) 

I cannot say enough good things about this book. I think everyone should read it at least once in their life. It is so eye-opening and has made me so grateful for the family/parents I have and has caused me to re-think some judgments I've made about people because I simply cannot know what goes on behind their closed doors. I just assumed everyone would love the book when it was picked for book club, and when a friend told me she stopped reading it because it was too sad, I think my heart broke a little. I admit that I have this kind of sick fascination with really difficult reads (another favorite of mine is a memoir of a woman who survived the Rwandan Holocaust by living in a tiny bathroom for 3 months with 7 other women), but these hard stories make me want to live my life better. This book makes me want to be kinder to strangers, kinder to my parents, kinder to my daughter, and kinder to Nick. And I think a story that can light that fire under you is worth reading. Twice. Or maybe more.

So, no surprise here, but this book gets

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

If you have read it before I'd love to know what you think! Leave a comment or send an email with your thoughts!

Book Review: The Hiding Place

 The Hiding Place, by Corrie ten Boom (this is the edition I have)

I realize that many people out there have read this book, possibly in high school for an English or history assignment, but since I've only got into reading in the past few years I'm a little behind the times. This book has been on my to read list for quite sometime, and I knew before I even picked it up it would be spectacular.

And it was! So, so incredibly spectacular!

Here is a small taste of what this autobiography is about (for those of you who are needing to catch up on your classic literature as I am): Corrie ten Boom is a Christian and was involved in the underground work of saving Jews during the Holocaust. Her father, brother, and two sisters were also involved in saving hundreds of Jewish lives by making sure they stayed out of harms way and even hiding some Jews in their home for an extended period. Her entire family was discovered in their work and taken into a Nazi prison camp. The book carries you through Corrie's experiences from before her underground work, to how it all began, to the prison camps, and home again.

Things I absolutely loved about the book were that it's almost as if you are sitting down and talking with Corrie as you read and she is telling you her incredible story. It's so personal, and at the same time so matter-of-fact, I just couldn't stop myself from reading more. I read the majority of the book in only two naptimes and one evening, which is super fast for this slow-reader. Another thing I loved was that about the first third of the book was just Corrie telling you about her life pre-underground and pre-prison. At first I thought "when are we going to get to the exciting stuff?", but once we were there, I longed to read more about her family whom she loved so much! Which is exactly how she felt. She longed to be with them, too. I love it when a book draws you in like that, so you actually feel what the person in the book is feeling! I cried when she said she cried, I rejoiced in her victories. It was a journey through a time and place with which I was not familiar with an admired and respected friend.

Things I didn't absolutely love...nada. Zilch. Zippo.

5 Freakin' Fabulous Stars for this book!

★ ★ ★ ★ ★ 

I'd recommend to anyone at anytime! It has changed the way I look at my own life and will definitely be used in some future talk or lesson at church. Don't borrow this book, buy it! You'll want a copy to have on your shelf to reference and to read again and again!

"There is no pit so deep that He is not deeper still." (p. 240)

"...joy runs deeper than despair." (p. 257)

Thank you so much, Jen! You are the best Christmas gift-giver ever! (Nick loves his tie "necklace" and Aly loves her signing video, but you knew all that already...I just like saying tie "necklace". Hehe.)

Next on my to-read list is Cry, the Beloved Country by Alan Patton for book club, which is next week, so I had better get to it! Happy Reading!

Not Great, but Okay

Why is the word "died" so hard to say? When we found out about Uncle Jamie's death, the email said he "passed away," and as I relayed the message to close friends, I said the same. This morning while talking with a new friend I asked her about her kids. She has a son who died of SIDS at 6 months old, and she said "he...ya know...he would have been 2 years old."  And even if someone does manage to get the word through their lips, doesn't it always seem like they're choking on it a bit?

Maybe because the word is so short. Harsh. Permanent. Maybe because the term "passed away" lingers for a moment, so does the memory of the person in our minds and hearts. I honestly don't know.

Uncle Jamie playing softball with his daughters last summer.

Another new friend came over for dinner on Sunday night. His father died two years ago, his younger brother died when he was 18, and my friend had an older brother die in his crib before my friend was born. Let me tell you, my friend throws around the words "he died" like he would say "he took out the garbage." At first I was thrown off by his casualness, but my friend was not being casual in his regard for his dad and brothers, he's comfortable with their situation.

They're dead, and that's okay. Not ideal for my friend, but okay. And it's okay to say that they're dead, just as it's okay, and accurate, to say we are alive.

Of course I don't mean to be flippant towards the individual grieving process, but while dying is sometimes tragic and difficult, death itself does not have to be. There is hope and glory in death, and that's okay. It's not easy for us who must temporarily lose a loved one, but it's okay.

For none of us liveth to himself, and no man dieth to himself.

For whether we live, we live unto the Lord; and whether we die, we die unto the Lord: whether we live therefore, or die, we are the Lord’s.

For to this end Christ both died, and rose, and revived, that he might be Lord both of the dead and living.

Romans 14:7-9 (emphasis added)

So, since I intend to practice what I preach...

My Uncle Jamie died on Saturday, and I will miss him, and it pains me knowing his wife, daughters, and grandchildren have to live the remainder of their time on this earth without him. My nephew Sam also died, and my heart still aches for him. And that's okay. Not great, but okay.

Stopping by Suburbs on a Snowy Morning

After it snowed 7 inches Tuesday night, this morning I decided to stay in my sweats all day and during Alexa's nap read poetry. It was bliss (even though I paid for it in overdue blog posts and housework today)!

Additionally, it's National Adoption Month! Hurrah! One poem I read seemed to speak to all those who embark in the adoption journey in any fashion. And so, I dedicate this read poem to you, noble adventurers of adoption (when I read poetry my inner poet just can't help but burst out...sorry)!
 

How Did You Die?

Edmund Vance Cooke

Did you tackle that trouble that came your way
With a resolute heart and cheerful?
Or hide your face from the light of day
With a craven soul and fearful?
Oh, a trouble's a ton, or a trouble's an ounce,
Or a trouble is what you make it,
And it isn't the fact that you're hurt that counts,
But only how did you take it?

You are beaten to earth? Well, well, what's that?
Come up with a smiling face.
It's nothing against you to fall down flat,
But to lie there -- that's disgrace.
The harder you're thrown, why the higher you bounce;
Be proud of your blackened eye!
It isn't the fact that you're licked that counts,
It's how did you fight --  and why?

And though you be done to the death, what then?
If you battled the best you could,
If you played your part in the world of men,
Why, the Critic will call it good.
Death comes with a crawl, or comes with a pounce,
And whether he's slow or spry,
It isn't the fact that you're dead that counts,
But only how did you die?

I think it's easy amidst trials, whatever they be, that we sometimes forget that the wounds of battle are proof that we fought (or tripped). Also, remembering why we chose a certain path when it can be surprisingly hard does not make that path easier, but just worth all the blackened eyes along the way. 

Have a wonderful Thursday everyone, and Happy National Adoption Month to all! 

 

PS I promise it's worth it!

Making My Workout Spiritual

The more I study the Gospel of Jesus Christ, the more I realize that it is so profound in its simplicity. It's all about transformation.

Transforming sinners into saints, men and women into Gods and Goddesses, individuals into families, carnal into eternal, and, in this case 151.4 lbs. into 135 lbs.

151.4 lbs is what I weighed in yesterday morning, I think the most I have ever weighed in my life. I honestly don't know if other people can tell I weigh that much (I am quite muscular), but I can sure tell, and I don't like it.

And you know, I've said it before, I can do hard things, and so if I don't like something about my life, I can change it!

I have tried eating healthier and running daily in the past, and the thing with eating well and exercising is that when you do it consistently, it actually works! Two summers ago I weighed 135ish pounds and felt great and got compliments from people on how I looked. I had eating healthy goals and ran 2 miles 5 days a week (I know around here that's child's play, but back then that was a lot for me).

Back then I had been told by my Reproductive Endocrinologist that exercising daily would help the cysts on my ovaries chill out a bit and help the crazy medication he was giving me work better. So that was my motivation when I wanted to be lazy instead of run or when I got tired while running. I would push myself and say "This is for you little baby. I'm going to be better for you. I'm going to run faster for you. I'm going to run harder for you." And so on and so forth. It was all about becoming a mother, which worked as motivation for me back then.

Once we decided that adoption was our Plan A, my running eventually tapered off and became extremely sporadic, and became a decision I had to make everyday instead of one I had already made. For me losing weight cannot be just about the weekly weigh-in, because I won't lose weight everyday/week and sometimes I'm willing to sacrifice a pound or two for a delicious slice of cheesecake or a mountain of French Toast.

This is where making my workout and "diet" (I put it in quotes because 2,000 calories is what I should be eating, I'm just going to be more diligent about it) spiritual is so important. Weight loss goals come and go, but living physically well is a lifestyle, just like living spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually well are. It's about transforming the self that is "acted upon" by cravings and slothfulness into the self that acts upon those things with self-control and determination. (source, verse 14) It's about transforming the self that is eating too often to tidy the house into the self that is able to serve others because the new self has her life in order.

Source: happilymaintaining.tumblr.com via Rachel on Pinterest

I'll share more about the specifics of my workout and diet plan soon, I just thought I would pontificate upon some of my thoughts as of recently in regards to my body and how I am trying to accept it for what it is as well as make it the best I can! And as a parting thought, here was something I found extremely funny on Pinterest the other day. Enjoy!

Source: facebook.com via Rachel on Pinterest

PS As a little bonus, if I continue to get up at 6am daily and workout 6 days a week, I get to cross off a couple goals from my 101 in 1001 list. YAY!

Abortion, Adoption, and Steve Jobs

Steve Jobs was a titan in the electronic industry and generally a good man who inspired many people to also live their own dreams. He is and will be surely missed.

He was also adopted, and not aborted.

Not every mother considering abortion should instead place her baby for adoption, but consider this:

"Adoptions ensure that children are given life. Jobs’ adoption was very beneficial, creating and shaping him into the leader that he would later become.

What would a world look like in which Steve Jobs had been aborted?

Out of the 52 million abortions in the US in the past 38 years, how many other Jobs’s have we extinguished?" source, emphasis added

The world we live in now has been infinitely changed by this man and his courageous birthmom who chose to give him the opportunity to do so. We are especially grateful this day for all birthparents who made that same impossibly difficult decision.

I blogged about Steve Jobs' Stanford commencement speech before, but today I think it would be appropriate to watch it again and glean from this man just a small portion of what he gave to us. Rest in peace, Steve, and may your family be blessed in this difficult time!

"You've got to find what you love and that is as true for work as it is for lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking and don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you've found it." -Steve Jobs

I Can Do Hard Things

I was originally going to make this post concerning a week I spent with Alexa, on my own, as Nick was at a conference in California. I felt good at the end of that week! I had done a lot of things I wasn't sure I could do, and I wanted to brag about it. And while the title of the post remains true, I would like to take this conversation to another place.

A place of humility instead of pride.

A place that I wish to take my little sister, Suzy, as she is about to embark on fulfilling a call from God to serve a mission in the Texas Houston area, come November 16th.

I want her, and all of you, to know that we, as children of a divine creator, can do hard things. I can do hard things. Before I ever think about retreating from something, I say this mantra to myself, and then re-evaluate. If it is not necessary that's one thing, but those things are not to what I am referring. I am saying I can do hard things that God wants me to do because he will make me capable to do them. 

 Just after Nick and I got engaged, and just after we decided to begin our family we read this speech given by Elder Jeffery R. Holland, one of the Lord's disciples on the earth today, in which he said 

"Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompense of reward. For you have need of patience that after ye have done the will of God, ye receive the promise...We are are not of them that draw back into perdition...I think that is to say, sure it's tough, that is the way it has always been...Don't panic and retreat. Don't lose your confidence. Don't forget how you once felt. Don't distrust the experience you had."

I think about the experiences in my life that have given me the most cause for retreating. My first year in college was one, and my trial with infertility has been another. In both cases there was so much adversity that I doubted God remembered me at all, let alone had my best interests at heart. And both times I had experiences that proved those times of doubt completely false! And both times I received rewards for my continued efforts that I could never have imagined!

My pleading call to my little sister today is to always remember how much God loves you! Always remember and hold tightly onto the experiences you have had that testify of that truth to your heart! Always remember that no matter how hard life gets, now and forever, that as a beloved daughter of an almighty Father, you can do hard things! Always remember that "after you have gotten the message, after you have paid the price to feel his love and hear the word of the Lord, 'go forward.' Don't fear, don't vacillate, don't quibble, don't whine." The hard things you can do are completely worth their reward!

God is not cheap in his gift-giving like some of our relatives...you know who you are! ;)

Be strong, kid-o. Everything in life from here on out is going to be hard because you are doing good things and The Adversary wants to destroy good as often as He can. But always remember, you can do hard things! I love you so much, Suzy! You make everyone in our family so proud because of all the good that you do and the joy and hope you give to each of us as you daily remind us that we can all do hard things!

Just in case you'd rather not read the talk, this YouTube video gives highlights. Enjoy!

***One last, seemingly unrelated thought. Jen, our sister, gave me some advice before I left for BYU that I will never forget. She told me "People are the most important." More than anything else, how we treat others is a testament to how we live the Gospel of Jesus Christ. More than  getting somewhere on time, more than getting work done, and even more than our own personal path of perfection. People, God's children, are His greatest glory, and they should be ours, too. That piece of advice has served me well, so I thought I would pass it along to you.***

 I'm excited to hear about all the good, hard things you will do in the mission field! You will be surely missed, though. Perhaps more than I can understand right now. Love you!

I Am a Blackened Banana: A Memoir

I read this great blog (my go-to for a lot of fashion tips), and the author began this guest author segment called Beauty-ful Tuesday. I thought just in case I am asked to include my thoughts on beauty, I'd like to be prepared. Here are my thoughts for the day.

I feel like my life has been a lesson on acceptance. Whether that's accepting my body, my face, my circumstances, or just accepting others and everything that goes with them. Some situations and people are easy to accept and love and it's just a natural kind of connection, other things take work. (i.e. Accepting my long, thick, blond hair is fairly easy; accepting my dysfunctional ovaries is a bit more challenging.) Some days I go to sleep at night wishing I'll wake up as a size 6 with clear skin (which explains the inordinate amount of skin remedies I have in the bathroom cabinets). Then I wake up and start my day disappointed with myself. Too often I spend my time trying to figure out how to balance changing the person I am into who I want to be and accepting the person that I am right now and spit in that skinny, clear-skinned girls face (nobody likes skinny, clear-skinned girls anyway).

Surprisingly, I think I've been doing it wrong.

To accept something means you take it as it is, and are happy. But, acceptance is no way to treat something that you interact with everyday, that you can control (to some extent), and that is eternal. My body, my beauty, does not need acceptance from me. It needs to be embraced! When I think of the people that are easiest for me to accept and admire, I realize acceptance is only the beginning of those relationships. I embrace those people. I want them to envelope me with their beauty, excitement, and wonder. I want to be surrounded by each of them so completely because they inspire me to develop qualities that I already have into characteristics of the person I hope to someday become. 

From now on, I think I'll try to first accept my imperfect beauty of today, and embrace my potential beauty of eternity. Accept then embrace, the latter of which means (to me) doing all I can to develop, strengthen, and transform today's imperfect beauty into a perfected beauty that I can truly be proud of.

Isn't that what eternity is for? To improve and perfect what we have been given? And just because my beauty isn't perfected yet does not mean that I don't have all the ingredients inside of me already to get me there.

Giving up on my beauty now would be like throwing out some blackened bananas because their beauty is not obviously there. I am a blackened banana: full of over-ripe potential preparing to make some delicious banana bread!

But not banana nut bread. Nobody likes nuts in their bread; dysfunctional ovaries; or skinny, clear-skinned girls. Okay, I maybe wrong about the girls, but I stand by the nut-thing. And the ovaries.

***Just to be clear, if I ever write an auto-biography, I call dibs on the title 

"I Am a Blackened Banana: A Memoir". Respect the dibs!***

Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish

One of the songs I sing to Aly when I put her to sleep says the following:

I'm trying to be like Jesus;

I'm following in His ways.

I'm trying to love as He did

In all that I do and say.

At times I am tempted to make a wrong choice,

But I try to listen as the still small voice whispers:

"Love one another as Jesus loves you.

Try to show kindness in all that you do.

Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought,

For these are the things Jesus taught."

Typically this song is sung by children. In fact, I sang this song many times as a child, which is why the words still resonate with me. It wasn't until I was a teenager that these words really sunk in. For the first time I realized this is how I hope I live my life, all summed up in one little song. 

And so I sing it to my daughter, because this is how I hope she lives her life. 

There are many other things I really want my daughter to know. Of course a knowledge of Jesus Christ is the center of that, but I hope she learns many other wonderful things as well. I was just watching a commencement speech given by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Inc., to Stanford graduates in 2005. He concluded his comments with the phrase

"Stay hungry. Stay foolish." 

Sidenote: Aly is hungry almost every 3 hours to a T, so I hope if she stays that hungry she learns to feed herself.

I imagine he means to stay ambitious, hungry for life and opportunities. Alexa is hungry for formula, but she is also so eager to search and absorb new things. She loves being outside, despite the bright sun. That girl is hungry, and I hope she never loses that.

Alexa is also very naive. She has no idea about the foreign oil crisis or that the Missouri tornado death count reached 116, making it tied for the deadliest tornado in America on record [source]. And to be honest, she doesn't care. All she cares about is that when she cries someone is there to meet her needs, and if we're really good, we meet her needs before she cries. Of course I want her to have compassion for others, but I don't want her to lose focus of what is really important in life, and for the moment she has that down! She knows her mommy and daddy will be there to help her no matter what, and that she has to nap even when she thinks she doesn't want to nap. That's it. Steve Jobs called it foolishness to believe the world is as small as your 900 sq ft condo. I call it focus.

As she grows older and learns new things, she will grow more hungry/passionate for specific things, first bubbles then horses then boys then who knows. As that hunger grows, I hope her foolishness/focus grows with it. I hope she believes that she can go and do anything her passionate heart leads her to do. And it's my job, as her mother, to nurture her with all the tools she needs to get her there, and I think the least of those tools is money, and the greatest of those tools is love.

That's what I wish and hope for my baby girl. To stay hungry, stay foolish, and stay with God. And I'll love her every moment, especially as that hunger and foolishness leads to heartbreak and frustration, and as that devotion to God leads to service, compassion, and unavoidable sorrow for the pains of others. And her daddy will do the same...probably trying to help with money because he's a pushover!

What do you hope for your children?