I Can't Be a Mom All By Myself

I can't be a mom all by myself.

That statement has many meanings, but this morning two come to mind.

First, I can't be a mom without my husband. Some women can do that, and I applaud them and their amazingness and capacity, but I cannot. These past few weeks as he works so hard finishing up his Ph.D. I have felt lonely in my trials (not alone because caring for two children one is never alone). However, his return home always lifts my heart and makes the long day I just had seem manageable again tomorrow -- even when that return is at 10pm. I can not be a mom without my husband.

Second, I would not be a mom today without two other moms who placed their children in our home and hearts. All three of us, together, create the vision of motherhood for our family. That realization is humbling and heart-breaking. The fact that I am physically unable to be the complete mothering package for my children is sad for me, but I wouldn't trade that heartache for anything because of the love that swells inside of me this morning for my babies and the women who created and love them just as much as I do. I can not be a mom without these women.

I am not the sole bearer of the title "Mother" in our family. In fact, I'm not even the first "Mother" for my kids. They were mothered and loved long before I even knew they existed. But even though there's heart-break that comes with infertility, I could not be happier about sharing this role with the two bravest and strongest women I know. What company I share when I have no right to share it -- no right at all! I am only here because of them, and my heart overflows with joy, love, gratitude, hope, peace, and happiness for the life I lead, no matter how hard some days are, because of my children's first mothers.

I can't be a mom all by myself, and I couldn't be happier about it! 

The Luxury of Adoption

I have an acquaintance who just announced she's having twins, a boy and a girl. We have another friend who had twin girls last year.

At one time I really wanted that, (as a kid I said I always wanted "twin boys and an older sister") and now I think it's highly unlikely that will ever happen. Or at least it probably won't happen in the way I thought it would. But like many things when your a kid, you get a little older and realize that's not what you really want at all.

When I envision my future family, instead of blonde/brown haired children with similar genetic patterns, I think I now picture something that looks a little more like this family, The Dennehys (YOU NEED TO FOLLOW THAT LINK!!).

Favorite quote from the video: "We're such victims of our culture because our culture tells us your kids have to look perfect and be in all the perfect schools and you can't do that with a big family, but if you just concentrate on what's important the rest will follow."

I was talking with my Mother-in-Law the other day and telling her how privileged I feel to be able to look at children in need of a home and family and immediately think "Is there something I can do?" instead of families who are strictly biological who may not have that luxury of thinking that way.

I call it a luxury very intentionally. I do not mean to say that I am a Saint for adopting the one child I have adopted, but I do know of the luxurious feeling I have when I think of what my family will be like someday. The essence of the lap of luxury is love, and that's what adoption is!

Adopting is not about us giving a loving home and family to children, it's about our children receiving a loving home and family and life that they may not have otherwise have had. Adoption was never about Nick or me, it has always been about our kids.

Alright Sneetch, please come soon so we can take the next step on this road to our family together! We're so excited to meet you, and seeing families like The Dennehy's make us all the more excited! Love ya, kido!

(If you want to learn more about The Dennehy's, you can YouTube them or follow this link where the dad talks about how they got each one of their kids.)

C'mon Next Little Miracle! Mommy Misses You!

I admit it, right now, at this very moment, my heart is sad. I love Alexa more than I can say and I am completely in love with Nicholas and cannot express how much meaning and light he brings into my life.

But right now I am really missing our next little miracle. I want to make him/her a little stocking for Christmas and fill it with wonderful little Bambino goodies! I want to hold our little Sneetch and cuddle with him/her with one hand and type a completely different post right now with my other hand.

I want Alexa to love and dote upon her little sibling. She is going to be SUCH a good sister...and a little ornery for sure, but that's to be expected.

I want Nick to have a little boy buddy or to be swarmed in a house full of girls! He is SUCH a wonderful father and any child would be so blessed to have him as their Dad-dad!

Recently when a friend has shared their happy pregnancy news or even their happy adoption news (which I usually get more excited about, even when my heart is hurting a bit), I still feel happy, but then an immediate aching begins. My heart gets so confused at those moments.

I know we've only been approved for the second time since August, but I can't tell you how many times I have wished that the unknown number on my phone was a potential birthmom. Really, it's every time. I know we are probably only at the very beginning of our journey to our little Sneetch and we have a long way to go, but that knowledge does not help me temper my emotions at all.

In fact, none of the blessings I have mentioned help ease the aching or homesick feeling I get when all I want are my babies to be with me. I can wait until it's right, but I wish that the right time comes very soon...and that wish and the thoughts and feelings that accompany it make my heart ache so much!

I think I thought this go around would be easier, just because we've done it before and are used to wanting our children with us. We're infertility veterans, so I just assumed I'd be able to deal with this aching better over time. I suppose in some ways it definitely is easier because I know adoption works and that is extremely comforting. I don't want to discount how much I trust the adoption process and the Lord's timing in putting our family together and how much easier that knowledge makes this adoption experience easier.

It's also easier because Alexa is here and being a Mom at all is such a blessing...one I wasn't sure I'd have during the first time adopting. How grateful I am to be a Mom!

But the heartaches are not easier, and the longing for my babies who aren't here is not easier. And the increased longing I feel around the holidays is not easier.

So this rambling post is just a plea to the world wide web...because where else can I make this plea that makes anymore sense? My plea is this:

Hey next little Miracle, our little Sneetch! Please come to our family soon! Your Mommy misses you and wants you home! And bring your birth-family with you, because we miss them, too! I love you more than I even know or can understand, and so does your Dad-dad and sister! See you soon, kiddo!

Happy 30th Birthday, Nick!

I know we're a bit behind as Nick's birthday was on Sunday, but we were a little busy being with amazing people and doing amazing things.

We met our newest niece, Lauren. She's so beautiful! Alexa was curious about her and even gave her a kiss a few times and was "soft" with her arm.

 On Saturday we hit up BYU to watch our Alma Matter destroy the Oregon State Beavers...so we must have gone to the wrong game. But we had fun with Nick's family anyway.

It was a week ago today, however, that Nick got his birthday gift from Alexa and I:

We gave his new rifle to him early so he could take it shooting in Utah where it's a more acceptable practice than in Boulder, CO. He took it out twice and loves it!

Overall, it was a wonderful birthday weekend, at least for me, and I think for Nick too! Happy 30th Birthday, Nick! Alexa and I love you so much and are so blessed to have you as the father of our family! We hope that since your two favorite girls get to be a part of the next 30 years with you they will be filled with joy and love!

Happy Birthday, Suzy!

Dear Suzy,

I know you can't read this because as a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints you're not allowed to use the Internet for anything other than emailing, but I thought I should express my thoughts anyway.

We are all so proud of you! Every last member of our family is so proud to be related to you!

The 4 Sullivan Sisters (Left to Right: Cindy, Me, Suzy, Jen)

You are for sure one of the most compassionate and loving people I know. It's so wonderful to see your love for others in action while you're on your mission.

Suzy with all her nieces and nephews

Someday, you are going to be an outstanding wife and mom and whatever else you want to be!

 Suzy and Nick's sister Cassidy at her wedding last summer

 My life has been richly blessed because I have been able to watch your example of faithfulness and love of God for the past 22-years.

Continue serving faithfully and diligently for the last half of your mission, and we'll all be waiting so very anxiously for your return home! So excited to see you in July!

Love Always,
Little Rae

A Letter to My 1 Year Old

Dear Alexa,

Daddy and I love you very much and can't believe how much you have grown! It's hard to remember our life before you, and impossible to imagine our family without you. We love Ray and Melissa very much and are so grateful for the decision they made a year ago to let us be a part of your life. There are no words to express how much they love you, so they placed you in our family instead. What wonderful people they are and they wish you the happiest of birthdays also!

The pic on the left was taken exactly one year ago, and the pic on the right was taken today.
Just as a side note, Nick is totally wearing the same shirt in both pictures! What a steady guy I married!

I want you to know that we have had such a fun year together! You absolutely love to sneak up on Daddy or I, but don't particularly enjoy being sneaked up upon. You are insanely ticklish and when the time of day is just right and Daddy or I get just the right tickle spot you get these really crazy eyes and smile and laugh, which is one of my favorite games to play with you. When I need to do dishes or work in the kitchen or to do my makeup or hair you are always right at my feet ready to help! When I actually need to get some things done then sometimes I have you watch this sign-language video which you do happily. You always laugh or talk or giggle when the sign for "baby" comes on because you love watching the babies. You don't like to miss a beat, so you've never been really great at sleeping in public. You are a super fast crawler, and you can stand for just a few seconds, and really don't have much of an interest in walking since crawling is working just fine for you so far. I imagine that, just like you did with crawling, you'll figure out a good reason to start walking and pick it up in no time flat! You want to be a big kid so much, so you just love playing with kids at church that are a good 2-3 years older than you, even if you get hurt on occasion. Your favorite foods are crackers, cookies, and rice--our little grains girl! You love to turn pages while Daddy and I read to you, so you love The Foot Book and Hop on Pop because there are not many words on each page. You also have a fetish for the That's Not My...(Puppy, Monkey, Dragon, etc.) books and you know where to touch on each page. We had a monkey-themed birthday party for you and you really enjoyed your banana cake and playing with everyone who came to celebrate the wonderful you!

Here is a link to the banana cake recipe I used and here is a link to the cake design I used (chocolate covered raisins for the nose and tootsie rolls for the hair were the only changes I made).

Watching you grow this past year and being able to be a part of it has truly been the greatest joy of my life, and doing it all with Daddy only makes every moment sweeter. I can hardly believe you're one, and it scares and excites me as to how quickly it has all gone by. I know you will continue to amaze Daddy and me in all the wonderful things you do throughout your life, and I look forward to everyday I get to spend with you from now until forever. You are my favorite little girl, and I will spend the rest of my life trying to express to you how much myself, Daddy, and your Heavenly Father love you.


Happy Birthday, Alexa!

Love Always and Forever,
Mommy (or "Mom-mom" as you prefer to call me)

Top pic was taken exactly a year ago and the bottom one was taken today.

My Valentine Can Romantically Beat Up Your Valentine

Yesterday while organizing the filing cabinet (super fun!) I came across a letter that was written to me exactly 6 years to the day prior. This was written by Nick to me for Valentine's Day when we were engaged. I'm not going to share all of it with you, but here are some of my favorite parts:

"To really show you how much I love you will take an eternity of love and devotion."

"You are the highlight of my life...I have been told that if you do it right, life just keeps getting better and better. With you, I can see how that could easily be the case."

"I love you, Miss Sullivan, and I always will...I can't wait to start our life together."

I love my husband so much, and after 7 years of being together, I just can't believe that I love him so much more than I thought I could! He is everything I could ever want for myself, my daughter, and my life. I am so blessed to have him walk with me, hand in hand, everyday for the past 7ish years!

And if that wasn't enough to convince you of how wonderful Nick is, look how cute he is with his girls!

Happy Valentine's Day (even though your valentine isn't as wonderful as mine)!

I Can Do Hard Things

I was originally going to make this post concerning a week I spent with Alexa, on my own, as Nick was at a conference in California. I felt good at the end of that week! I had done a lot of things I wasn't sure I could do, and I wanted to brag about it. And while the title of the post remains true, I would like to take this conversation to another place.

A place of humility instead of pride.

A place that I wish to take my little sister, Suzy, as she is about to embark on fulfilling a call from God to serve a mission in the Texas Houston area, come November 16th.

I want her, and all of you, to know that we, as children of a divine creator, can do hard things. I can do hard things. Before I ever think about retreating from something, I say this mantra to myself, and then re-evaluate. If it is not necessary that's one thing, but those things are not to what I am referring. I am saying I can do hard things that God wants me to do because he will make me capable to do them. 

 Just after Nick and I got engaged, and just after we decided to begin our family we read this speech given by Elder Jeffery R. Holland, one of the Lord's disciples on the earth today, in which he said 

"Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompense of reward. For you have need of patience that after ye have done the will of God, ye receive the promise...We are are not of them that draw back into perdition...I think that is to say, sure it's tough, that is the way it has always been...Don't panic and retreat. Don't lose your confidence. Don't forget how you once felt. Don't distrust the experience you had."

I think about the experiences in my life that have given me the most cause for retreating. My first year in college was one, and my trial with infertility has been another. In both cases there was so much adversity that I doubted God remembered me at all, let alone had my best interests at heart. And both times I had experiences that proved those times of doubt completely false! And both times I received rewards for my continued efforts that I could never have imagined!

My pleading call to my little sister today is to always remember how much God loves you! Always remember and hold tightly onto the experiences you have had that testify of that truth to your heart! Always remember that no matter how hard life gets, now and forever, that as a beloved daughter of an almighty Father, you can do hard things! Always remember that "after you have gotten the message, after you have paid the price to feel his love and hear the word of the Lord, 'go forward.' Don't fear, don't vacillate, don't quibble, don't whine." The hard things you can do are completely worth their reward!

God is not cheap in his gift-giving like some of our relatives...you know who you are! ;)

Be strong, kid-o. Everything in life from here on out is going to be hard because you are doing good things and The Adversary wants to destroy good as often as He can. But always remember, you can do hard things! I love you so much, Suzy! You make everyone in our family so proud because of all the good that you do and the joy and hope you give to each of us as you daily remind us that we can all do hard things!

Just in case you'd rather not read the talk, this YouTube video gives highlights. Enjoy!

***One last, seemingly unrelated thought. Jen, our sister, gave me some advice before I left for BYU that I will never forget. She told me "People are the most important." More than anything else, how we treat others is a testament to how we live the Gospel of Jesus Christ. More than  getting somewhere on time, more than getting work done, and even more than our own personal path of perfection. People, God's children, are His greatest glory, and they should be ours, too. That piece of advice has served me well, so I thought I would pass it along to you.***

 I'm excited to hear about all the good, hard things you will do in the mission field! You will be surely missed, though. Perhaps more than I can understand right now. Love you!

Happy 50th Birthday, Mom!

To celebrate your amazingness, we've come up with 50 things we should have thanked you for but probably never did, or at least deserves another Thank You.

Mom, thank you for...

1. all those sleepless nights with me as a baby, especially with all those ear infections.
2. sewing up my Yellow Blankie after years of love and neglect (interesting how those come together).
3. passing on your beautiful smile and hair color to me (could have done without the Gosnell nose, but I'll deal).
4. making me a scrapbook of my childhood and then crying as you finished it while dad and you drove me to BYU.
5. that one time that you packed Judson a dinner of fried chicken because he had been at school all day and didn't have a dinner. It meant a lot to me that you cared so much about my friend.
6. my awesome 18th birthday party and letting my friends and I get into that crazy food fight.
7. letting me play roller hockey even though I was small and had no skill for it at all.
8. not letting me play ice hockey. I probably would have gotten killed.
9. teaching me how to divide using piano keys. Nothing else worked, but octaves, those made sense.
10. encouraging me to learn all those instruments. Seriously, the drums, trumpet, and violin were only the beginning. No wonder you have a hearing loss.

11. getting me a 1/16 size violin and making that drive out to Aumsville many times to get custom-size violins for my miniature body.
12. letting me take private violin lessons for a year...when I was 5...and really didn't need private lessons.
13. listening to "The DAD Song" far too many times!
14. attending so many concerts, recitals, performances, games, and award ceremonies.
15. motivating me to get a hit in softball with slurpees. Totally worked!
16. keeping the house stocked with my favorite things whenever I come home to visit.
17. the packages of Cheez-Its and Hot Tamales you sent to me while in college.
18. buying all those flowery stretch pants that I refused to wear because they were too girly.
19. forcing me to take baths when I really didn't want to between the ages of 4 and 11.
20. allowing me to choose fried chicken, creamed spaghetti, and pink salad for a birthday dinner.

21. allowing me to choose Cinnamon Toast Crunch for my birthday breakfast.
22. decorating my birthday chair with balloons and streamers every year.
23. driving to California for such un-Godly lengths of time while we slept or fought or sang in the back. I tried to watch the road with you once because if you had to do it, so would I. It didn't last.
23. throwing me a clown party for my 4th birthday...I think it was my 4th.
24. trusting me enough to not give me a curfew, and complying without question when I asked for one.
25. making my prom dress even though I was super grouchy when the top was a bit big. I was rude and ungrateful and I'm sorry.
26. passing on your love for music and beautiful voice to me.
27. getting Scripture Scouts. One of your best investments.
28. waking up before seminary to french braid my hair even though you were battling arthritis in your hands and fingers.
29. not taking me back to Super Cuts after the little flappy-hair-mullet incident.
30. allowing me to get a perm--now I know to never make that mistake with my kids! ;)

31. asking the nurse to switch my I.V. to my left hand so I could suck my thumb on my right hand.
32. letting Daddy and us sing Jr. Birdman at the dinner table.
33. putting me in charge of hanging the garland across the dining room doorway at Christmas time.
34. putting me in charge of Cindy and Jen one time when you left us home alone...another thing I know not to do with my kids! ;)
35. letting me choose whether or not to go to the Snowball dance when I was only 14, and then consoling me when my date ditched me at the dance. I learned my lesson.
36. painting that mural on my bedroom wall. All moms need a creative outlet.
37. buying me the more expensive Under Armor undershirt for softball--I still use it fairly often.
38. coming and staying with us to watch Aly when I had to go back to work.
39. hanging onto my wedding dress...I really am going to get that from you soon!
40. essentially planning our reception with Nick's mom. I really shouldn't have put that on you guys, but you accepted and achieved the challenge with grace and it was beautiful.

41. making sure we drank milk at the reception. Classic.
42. seeing that bum outside of 7-11, going home and getting a loaf of bread, and bringing it back to him. He wasn't there, but that bread was just as much for me as it was for him.
43. letting us eat cereal for dinner on occasion. It was probably because you didn't want to make dinner (understandable), but it sure was a lot of fun!
44. not killing us when we would call you at work because of some little squabble we were having at home.
45. not killing us when you were dead on your feet and we all came rushing out to meet you at the car to tell you about a squabble we were having.
46. not killing us.
47. telling me the story of my birth about a billion times. It was my favorite bedtime story.
48. making Nick feel like a member of the family by complimenting him on the way he mixes juice.
49. doing your best to teach me how to cook and sew even though I really didn't want to. Except for slicing, cracking, and boiling eggs. That's always fun.
50. filling my life with far more than 50 things I have to be grateful for.

We love you, Mom, and hope your 51st...I mean 48th...year is the best one yet!

Music Monday

This song, not this version, was sung by my mother to my sisters and I probably hundreds, if not thousands of times during our childhood. She sang it at all her children's baptisms. It sure meant a lot to us back then.

And now I sing it to my daughter...and it puts her to sleep just about every time. I hope it will mean as much to her as it does to me.

Thanks for teaching me this song, Mom. It's exactly what I want my daughter to know about her Savior.

To learn more about the subject of the song, click here.

Right Here, Right Now

Four weeks ago right now I was in the nursery with this little girl watching her try out her new lungs during her measurement/torture session just after birth.

Now I am watching her fight sleep with that same gusto but a little less vocally...so far.

I wonder where the next 4 weeks are going to take us.

For now, I'm super content just being with my baby girl right here, right now in our rocking chair at 3:30am not sleeping together.

Thanks for the happiest four weeks, bugga-boo! It's been made up of moments just like this that have forever re-shaped my heart. That's where you grew inside of me, and that's where my love for you will grow forever.