...and yet here I go, about to make the big plunge. I have been delaying this post, mostly because I have no idea how it is going to turn out. I have no plan, I am just going to start typing, and then read it through to try to organize the complete incomprehensible dribble that is sure to follow.
Let me begin by saying that I have been thinking about the purpose of this blog, and if am I fulfilling that purpose. Like any good graduate student I wanted a thesis, a direction for everything in our blog to focus on. My goal by making this blog was initially so people could read about our adoption process and lives in general, but now that we're all approved for adoption and waiting for a young girl to help bring us our eternal family, I feel like the goal has changed a little. I want someone who reads this blog to know whatever they want to about us. I want them to feel like they've known us forever, or at least would like to know more. That is the goal now, this is a "get to know us" blog.
A big part of what "us" is is something I have been avoiding talking about, mostly because it is hard to explain infertility, especially our individual situation, to those not directly in it. But this is a big part of who we are as a couple, and I am hoping that maybe somebody out there who reads our blog is interested in knowing a little more about “who [we are] and what God expects [us] to do.” (That quote comes from this song in a monologue at 1:38 if you want to skip to it. Love this movie!)
A couple things have encouraged me to begin writing about infertility, or write about more directly our process of patiently preparing for posterity. One was a direct suggestion on how to improve our blog from a birth mom who blogs about her feelings of adoption, and the heartache and hope she feels. It helps her to understand adoptive couples more fully if she can read about their stories/feelings of infertility directly. Also, some questions I have been receiving on my formspring account (keep them coming!) make me think that some people might be interested in the more emotional/spiritual side of my physical shortcomings. The thing that really pushed me into begin writing was our church’s General Conference this past weekend. Many talks were on parenthood, motherhood, or simply being strong leaders of youth. None of these talks made me cry tears of pain or heartache, but a few tears of hope and faith were shed. It made me think that maybe I am at a point in my spiritual progression that I am able to share my feelings about infertility and patience in a way that won't be depressing, but instead helpful to others. Crossing my fingers for that!
I want to be honest, and I don't want to sugarcoat the heartache or the well of tears my eyes have experienced many times. But I do want to say that everyday is not a depressing wasteland for me or Nicholas. Our home is filled with as much laughter and love as a couple waiting and hoping for our children can muster. What I think is incredible is that there is always room for more love, laughter, hope, and faith in our lives! Living life well today but hoping for a grand and glorious tomorrow is really a great way to live life well! Hoping or wishing for a better today is where some people get distracted with what they want instead of with what they have already been blessed. Kudos to you if you can pull it off, but I have found that living life one day at a time is the best way of relishing life and allowing myself to live it well today. I can't live life fully today while wishing that every phone call is going to be from our social worker...I simply don't know how to do that. Maybe someday when I am further along in my perfection, but for today I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who “is pleased even with [my] stumbles.” (Read more C.S. Lewis quotes here.)
I didn’t intend this post to be a novel, just an introduction, if you will, to future posts that I may write about our infertility process. I want people to know that we are truly happy with where our life is now, and we are thrilled about the prospects of where it will be in the future. We both know that we are blessed daily by the hand of God and have felt that more fully and completely as we have desired to understand His purposes in having us wait for children. I hope that our experiences will be a foundation for the rest of our lives and help us cope with more difficult trials that are sure to come. It is also my hope that as I share some of our experiences, others will be able to understand more about who we are and what we want our family to become.
And just because every post is better with a picture: Whenever I used to feel guilty about not being able to get pregnant, Nicholas would always say he would rather go through this trial with me than have any other blessing with anybody else. When I look at this picture I believe it. (I know it's a little mushy, but suck it up...you know you love it!)