In Your Patience You Posess Your Souls

“Patience means accepting that which cannot be changed and facing it with courage, grace, and faith. It means being 'willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon [us], even as a child doth submit to his father.' Ultimately, patience means being 'firm and steadfast, and immovable in keeping the commandments of the Lord'  every hour of every day, even when it is hard to do so.”  President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Continue in Patience, emphasis added

Thursday was one of those times that was really hard to be firm and steadfast, only because waiting for good things is just not fun sometimes.

So today I will make the situation I cannot change better through gratitude and work. That is my goal today: to lose myself in work and service and to express my gratitude for all that I have, both to God and those people around me.

I will begin by saying Thank You to Ray and Melissa, because they brought me this moment during a walk Alexa and I took recently.

Every moment I have with her is because of you, so thank you for this particular one! My heart is always full of gratitude for you both and the decision you made nearly 2-years ago! I am a mom because they had the love, faith, and courage to do what they knew was right for their daughter. Words cannot express my heart...

Last night in my prayers I recommitted myself to prepare for the arrival of our next child. When I have the opportunity to be a mother of two, I want to be ready for it! If in my patience I posses my soul, I hope that all this patient preparation I am doing is refining my soul into the person the Lord needs me to become. 

Sometimes there are Thursdays, days when you'd give up if you could, but you have no choice but to continue in patience. But today is Tuesday, and today I am going to do all I can to possess my soul through this time of necessary patience!

C'mon Next Little Miracle! Mommy Misses You!

I admit it, right now, at this very moment, my heart is sad. I love Alexa more than I can say and I am completely in love with Nicholas and cannot express how much meaning and light he brings into my life.

But right now I am really missing our next little miracle. I want to make him/her a little stocking for Christmas and fill it with wonderful little Bambino goodies! I want to hold our little Sneetch and cuddle with him/her with one hand and type a completely different post right now with my other hand.

I want Alexa to love and dote upon her little sibling. She is going to be SUCH a good sister...and a little ornery for sure, but that's to be expected.

I want Nick to have a little boy buddy or to be swarmed in a house full of girls! He is SUCH a wonderful father and any child would be so blessed to have him as their Dad-dad!

Recently when a friend has shared their happy pregnancy news or even their happy adoption news (which I usually get more excited about, even when my heart is hurting a bit), I still feel happy, but then an immediate aching begins. My heart gets so confused at those moments.

I know we've only been approved for the second time since August, but I can't tell you how many times I have wished that the unknown number on my phone was a potential birthmom. Really, it's every time. I know we are probably only at the very beginning of our journey to our little Sneetch and we have a long way to go, but that knowledge does not help me temper my emotions at all.

In fact, none of the blessings I have mentioned help ease the aching or homesick feeling I get when all I want are my babies to be with me. I can wait until it's right, but I wish that the right time comes very soon...and that wish and the thoughts and feelings that accompany it make my heart ache so much!

I think I thought this go around would be easier, just because we've done it before and are used to wanting our children with us. We're infertility veterans, so I just assumed I'd be able to deal with this aching better over time. I suppose in some ways it definitely is easier because I know adoption works and that is extremely comforting. I don't want to discount how much I trust the adoption process and the Lord's timing in putting our family together and how much easier that knowledge makes this adoption experience easier.

It's also easier because Alexa is here and being a Mom at all is such a blessing...one I wasn't sure I'd have during the first time adopting. How grateful I am to be a Mom!

But the heartaches are not easier, and the longing for my babies who aren't here is not easier. And the increased longing I feel around the holidays is not easier.

So this rambling post is just a plea to the world wide web...because where else can I make this plea that makes anymore sense? My plea is this:

Hey next little Miracle, our little Sneetch! Please come to our family soon! Your Mommy misses you and wants you home! And bring your birth-family with you, because we miss them, too! I love you more than I even know or can understand, and so does your Dad-dad and sister! See you soon, kiddo!

The Newest Figurative Member of Our Family

Nick's family has a tradition of naming their unborn fetuses with silly names, like Bubba or Spud for example. When we found out Alexa was going to be born, we decided to name her The Lorax.

In this post I mentioned that my favorite Dr. Seuss book as a kid was The Lorax, so Nick's mom promptly sent us a stuffed version of the beloved tree-saving character.

So then, staying with the Dr. Seuss theme, we've planned ahead a bit this time and decided on a name for our next little Bambino, as well as purchased the corresponding stuffed version of it.

Without further ado, we proudly introduce The Sneetch!!

And Alexa is getting along swimmingly with The Sneetch! BFFs for sure!

 Kisses!

She really does love those stuffed creatures, but let's not be too critical, she's only 19 months!

Welcome to the family Sneetch! We'll be taking you on little adventures until the real Sneetch can join us...and maybe even then, too, because Alexa seems to like you a lot!

Button, Button, We Have a Button!

Actually, we have two! Since we are just about all approved for our second adoption, it's time to get the word out! So go ahead and copy and paste one of the HTML codes below onto your blog or webpage  (use whichever one you like), and help us spread the good news of adoption with the World Wide Web!

<center><a href="http://rachelandnicholas.blogspot.com/p/first-time-here.html" target="_blank" title="It's About Love"><img src="http://i168.photobucket.com/albums/u173/nelsonmaam/Button002.png" border="0" alt="Photobucket" /></a></center>

<center><a href="http://rachelandnicholas.blogspot.com/p/first-time-here.html" target="_blank" title="It's about love"><img src="http://i168.photobucket.com/albums/u173/nelsonmaam/Button003.png" border="0" alt="Photobucket" /></a></center>

What?! You don't have a blog/website?! That's okay because you can still help by passing around one of these little cards with all of our contact information to anyone you know that maybe considering adoption. Heck, you could pass these out even if you do have a blog/website, if you want to be an over-achiever! Please contact us if you'd like some cards and we will send them your way ASAP!

Adoption Application Update

This morning Nick and I dropped Alexa off at a friend's house and headed down to LDS Family Services for our first home study interview. For those of you who haven't done this before, that just means we are really close to being all done with the approval process! Our case worker told us she's hoping to have everything complete by the end of August if not sooner!! We just couldn't be more excited about all of this!

See?

So excited!! At least Sharon the Rabbit is excited for a new playmate...

5, 10, and 15 Year Plan

I saw this post on a new blog I'm getting wrapped up in and I had a lot of fun talking with Nick about our 5, 10, and 15 years plans that I decided to do a post on them. This is so fun to be as specific as you can because life is pretty predictable so I think our future will be pretty close to what I'll describe here soon (sarcasm is tricky to relate through writing, so FYI I was joking...haha). I'll try to stay brief, but frankly our life is so awesome I'm not sure if I can! And without further ado...

Five years from now...
I am going to be 30, Nick will be 34, Alexa will be 6 (that blows my mind), Grace will be 3.5, Isaac will be just a brand new baby, and Pip the fish will be such a joy to all, but especially to Isaac and Grace! We're going to be busy with Alexa in Kindergarten, playing soccer, doing gymnastics, and her and Gracie will be taking swimming lessons. Of course all of this will be taking place as Nick is finishing up his post-doc from Cornell University, which means we'll stay plenty busy exploring as much of the East Coast as we can take in! We'll be renting a lovely home in New York with a surprisingly big yard and I'll enjoy nothing more than doing all I can to make the cozy (a.k.a. small) home a piece of heaven.

Ten years from now...
I am going to be 35, Nick will be 39, Alexa will be 11, Grace will be 8.5, Isaac will be 5, Owen will be 2, and I'll be pregnant with little Natalie! Pip the fish, Toby the basset hound dog, and Horton the lizzard/frog/bunny/turtle/snake/hamster/etc. will keep all the kids wildly entertained! We're going to live in our dream home up in Pullman, WA where Nick will be a professor at Washington State. He will absolutely love his work and his family and his church calling on the stake council. I will stay plenty busy taking care of everyone and working with the young women in our ward. Alexa is going to be getting into hair, makeup, boys (which will give her dad minor heart attacks daily), yet she'll maintain her free-spirit and interest in soccer. She, along with Grace, will not necessarily enjoy piano lessons, but will go to them if they want to continue in their other interests. Grace is going to be just like her daddy and love school and think science and math are the bees-knees! Isaac will be almost starting kindergarten and be the dirtiest little boy with the cutest curly hair you've ever seen! Owen will idolize his brother and the three of us will be so busy making forts and looking at bugs and jumping in puddles we'll hardly have time for things like dishes and ironing (I can only hope). And of course, Natalie, our little birth-miracle, she'll be doted upon like nobody's business by myself, her proud daddy, and her older sisters. Life will be so sweet!


Fifteen years from now...
I am going to be 40, Nick will be 44, Alexa will be 16, Grace will be 13.5, Isaac will be 10, Owen will be 7, Natalie will be 5, and our surprise boy Gabriel will be just a couple months old (Nick doesn't like that name now, but I think I can talk him into it in 15 years)! Nick and I will will be planning on a lovely trip to Brazil for our 21st year anniversary that coming summer with his money from his Nobel Prize explaining solar magnetic polarity reversal (look it up)! We're going to love the rain and everything about our house in Pullman (which will still be getting improvements made by Nick's tinkering). One thing we won't love, well, Nick and I won't love, is that Alexa will be driving and dating and doing a lot of both. She will work hard in school and will love hanging out with her friends in our kick-trash-party basement, as will Grace! I can't tell you how much Gracie will remind me of Nick, and I'll just love it so much! Isaac will be into everything a 10-year old should be into, but especially scouting and baseball. Owen, like his brother, will love baseball but will also love his first-grade class and teacher and starting piano lessons. Natalie and I will be preparing for kindergarten by going to the library weekly (like we've done with all our kids for years) and also playing with Gabe like he's a little doll. Gabe is going to be a pretty mellow dude, and just enjoy life as it comes, but still love to get into everything and play with his mommy, daddy, and siblings. Of course Toby (the most patient dog in the world...he never dies, so no worries there), Tiny Tim (Pip died a couple years ago, so we will have had this new fish since then), and Horton are all enjoying their lives as part of our family as well.

This is so fun to think about, but as I was writing I thought of about a billion variations to this game plan that I would be just as excited about (a couple include adopting internationally and doing a foster-to-adopt program out of birth-order). Whatever happens, I am so happy to have Nick, Alexa, Ray, Melissa, and the rest of our family along for the ride from here on out. Isn't my life going to continue to be incredible??  

 
Our wonderful family of three!

I Can Do Hard Things

I was originally going to make this post concerning a week I spent with Alexa, on my own, as Nick was at a conference in California. I felt good at the end of that week! I had done a lot of things I wasn't sure I could do, and I wanted to brag about it. And while the title of the post remains true, I would like to take this conversation to another place.

A place of humility instead of pride.

A place that I wish to take my little sister, Suzy, as she is about to embark on fulfilling a call from God to serve a mission in the Texas Houston area, come November 16th.

I want her, and all of you, to know that we, as children of a divine creator, can do hard things. I can do hard things. Before I ever think about retreating from something, I say this mantra to myself, and then re-evaluate. If it is not necessary that's one thing, but those things are not to what I am referring. I am saying I can do hard things that God wants me to do because he will make me capable to do them. 

 Just after Nick and I got engaged, and just after we decided to begin our family we read this speech given by Elder Jeffery R. Holland, one of the Lord's disciples on the earth today, in which he said 

"Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompense of reward. For you have need of patience that after ye have done the will of God, ye receive the promise...We are are not of them that draw back into perdition...I think that is to say, sure it's tough, that is the way it has always been...Don't panic and retreat. Don't lose your confidence. Don't forget how you once felt. Don't distrust the experience you had."

I think about the experiences in my life that have given me the most cause for retreating. My first year in college was one, and my trial with infertility has been another. In both cases there was so much adversity that I doubted God remembered me at all, let alone had my best interests at heart. And both times I had experiences that proved those times of doubt completely false! And both times I received rewards for my continued efforts that I could never have imagined!

My pleading call to my little sister today is to always remember how much God loves you! Always remember and hold tightly onto the experiences you have had that testify of that truth to your heart! Always remember that no matter how hard life gets, now and forever, that as a beloved daughter of an almighty Father, you can do hard things! Always remember that "after you have gotten the message, after you have paid the price to feel his love and hear the word of the Lord, 'go forward.' Don't fear, don't vacillate, don't quibble, don't whine." The hard things you can do are completely worth their reward!

God is not cheap in his gift-giving like some of our relatives...you know who you are! ;)

Be strong, kid-o. Everything in life from here on out is going to be hard because you are doing good things and The Adversary wants to destroy good as often as He can. But always remember, you can do hard things! I love you so much, Suzy! You make everyone in our family so proud because of all the good that you do and the joy and hope you give to each of us as you daily remind us that we can all do hard things!

Just in case you'd rather not read the talk, this YouTube video gives highlights. Enjoy!

***One last, seemingly unrelated thought. Jen, our sister, gave me some advice before I left for BYU that I will never forget. She told me "People are the most important." More than anything else, how we treat others is a testament to how we live the Gospel of Jesus Christ. More than  getting somewhere on time, more than getting work done, and even more than our own personal path of perfection. People, God's children, are His greatest glory, and they should be ours, too. That piece of advice has served me well, so I thought I would pass it along to you.***

 I'm excited to hear about all the good, hard things you will do in the mission field! You will be surely missed, though. Perhaps more than I can understand right now. Love you!

Great Expectations

I just listened to this excellent Charles Dickens tale while driving to and from work. Thank goodness for public libraries. In the novel "Great Expectations" refer to a large sum of money, and Pip (which may or may not be my new favorite name for our future fish), is given this money to make something great of himself.

Playing "Don't Eat Pete" at a Halloween party.

I have my own Great Expectations, something great I have been given to do something great with. That great thing I have been given is my life. Pip's "Great Expectations" originated from a stranger's money, all of ours originated by the grace of God. The following is one of my favorite scriptures:

Formspring Question and Answer

How do you handle all the waiting? You seem so upbeat and calm about everything. For me, the waiting is the hardest part of infertility, and I can only imagine it doesn't get less frustrating with adoption...

 We handle the waiting by not waiting, but doing. Waiting is passive and miserable, but there are always good things to be doing even if it's not what you would have chosen for yourself initially. It also helps that we know that this waiting is what God wants for our family, and "every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." (Joseph B. Wirthlin, Come What May and Love It)

Ask us a question on our Formspring Account!

Counting Blessings

I read a comment on a blog by a woman who has had a number of health issues, including ones that keep her and her husband from having kids. She was addressing those with kids and said

"we would trade the best day we've had without kids for your worst day with them."

Ya know what, we wouldn't. I 'm not judging this girl or think less of her. I cannot begin to fathom the level of their difficulties as a couple. I'm just saying, for us, we have a pretty nice life. 

I wouldn't trade our most difficult and sad day for any other families' most spectacular. That's because we know we are where we are and who we are because of those days.

As a 3.5/5 star movie once said "How could [we] be angry when this is clearly as God intended it to be for [us]?"

We still ache for our children, quite often recently, but "when upon life's billows you are tempest tossed...count your many blessings see what God hath done."

1. We have a rock solid marriage. Seriously, it's everything I ever wanted.

When We're Helping We're Happy

I just found out recently that a friend of almost 22 years (yeah, since I was 2) has been having difficulty getting pregnant for about 2 years. I found out from one of her family members, and when I asked her about it, she told me she didn't tell me because she didn't want to complain since Nicholas and I have been waiting for our family for so much longer and she already has a little boy. My heart breaks for her.

Nicholas' aunt and I had a talk a couple weeks back where she expressed to me that her 9 children came to her pretty much whenever she wanted, except for the two youngest, whom are twins, whom she  had to wait for for 3 whole months. She was scared that she was too old or her body was too spent to complete her family. My heart breaks for her.

My sister has one little girl, who is almost 2, and a son who is waiting for the rest of his family in heaven. She hasn't been able to get pregnant since she lost her little boy because of the trauma she experienced. My heart breaks for her.

 

My niece, Anna, is such a little cheeser! She was trying to sneak and discover all of Burgerville's secrets!

A high school friend waited to get pregnant after her first boy for, I think, nearly a year and could not receive fertility treatments because the cardinal time to wait for fertility services is 12 months. She wanted her family before 12 months. My heart breaks for her.

I would like to just come out and say that if you are experiencing the heartache of infertility, whether it be for one month or 48, whether you have no kids or 9, whether you are feeling these fears now or did many years ago, I hope you come to me. I would love to cry with you, laugh with you, and hope with you. This journey is a million times easier with supportive friends. I want to be your friend!

I understand that some days are harder than others, but that not every moment is consumed with deep depression and aching. I also understand that baby showers are difficult, but you still want to go because you love your friends and are happy for their happiness but completely ache for your own. I understand the scared and sometimes hopeless feeling as well as the feeling that God's love encircles you with new blessings every moment and how could one be sad when there's so much joy and hope in His love for each of us. I understand that, sometimes, a good cry and a very honest post early in the morning on a Saturday is just what is needed. I understand that opportunities for growth sometimes look suspiciously like trials.

I understand, so let's get through this time in our lives together. Email me at rachelandnicholas@gmail.com or call if you have my number (I'll give it to you later if you want). I love you, truly I do. While this heartache is so personal, we don't have to deal with it alone. Let's help each other, and we can be happy together!

From Orphan to Legend

A good friend of mine from high school told me that she thinks of Nicholas and I EVERYday because of a billboard along I-5 in Oregon that has a picture of this man

that says: "From Orphan to Legend."

Thank you for your thoughts, prayers, love, well wishes, and friendship. This process would be infinitely harder without our friends and family to support us. We know we have and will continue to be blessed by the hand of God daily.

And we know, that when the time is right, our child will come into our lives and hearts and forever change us. We will happily wait patiently for that day.

"It is important to know, when you feel depressed, that many others do also and that their circumstances are generally much worse than yours. And it’s important to know that when one of us is down, it becomes the obligation of his friends to give him a lift. I hope that each of us will cultivate a sensitivity toward the feelings of others, and when encouragement is needed, make an effort to extend it. Be a friend, and you will have a friend. God be thanked for wonderful friends."

President Gordon B. Hinckley

Happiness is...Kid's Korner

As part of the second bedroom there is a keyboard, desk, bookshelf, and a lovely little spot I like to call Kid's Korner.



Don't they all look like just great friends? A 21st Century Winnie the Pooh series just waiting to happen!

I can't wait until this corner is much less tidy on a daily basis!

Sometimes Waiting is Hard...

...and yet can be so rewarding!

P.S. I love the music in the background, it's perfect!

what IF?

 As part of the NIAW, I am participating in a really neat project called what IF. In the blogging world, infertility is sometimes abbreviated as IF.

You want to know the truth behind every infertile's hopeful eyes? To be honest, you probably don't, it's hard. But, if you want to really respect some amazing women, read this list. I literally gasped when reading some of these comments. I know my fears all too well, but hearing about others' is so shocking!

So, here is my what IF list. Just to prepare you, this is pretty deep stuff, my true fears. I don't often let these out because Faith can conquer all of these, but with every honest part of my being, here they are. And if you don't care for the tough stuff (I don't blame you) skip to the bottom, there are some great hopes and dreams down there!

1. what IF I become a person I love without children and find that kids throw off my groove?
2. what IF I work so hard at being successful in school and my career, which helps me cope with infertility, that when a child does come I see them as more of an inconvenience than a blessing?
3. what IF after having so many opportunities to find joy outside of the home I can't handle the hardships that come along with being a stay-at-home mom?
4. what IF I have a miscarriage? (hasn't happened yet, and I can't imagine getting through it well.)
5. what IF a billion birthmothers look at our profile and blog (keeping our hopes up) and realize their baby is not meant to be our baby?
6. what IF our promise to have children isn't meant through adoption?
7. what IF we should have been more gung hoe about our fertility treatments when they were available?
8. what IF I hate my body, no matter how thin or beautiful I get because I know the insides are not all they're supposed to be?
9. what IF our promise to have children doesn't come to pass for many, many more years...or maybe not until the millennium?

Okay, I really can't take anymore of that. Those came way to easily...I guess I think about these things after all, they're just so quickly suppressed I barely recognize them anymore. Alright, this is more my area of expertise: best case scenario IF's

1. what IF a birthmother finds us and chooses us today?
2. what IF our child's birthmother LOVES the names Isaac and Natalie too?
3. what IF I find out my period hasn't happened because I'm pregnant and not because of fickle ovaries?
4. what IF I can love this single mother in our church congregation like I know our Savior does?
5. what IF the first time I see my child I truly know that it belongs to us, no matter who incubated it for 10 months?
6. what IF I find a great job after I'm a mother that gives me great pay, great health insurance, flexible hours, low stress, able to work from home, mind enriching, and in education policy? (really stretching there, but it's my fantasy)
7. what IF we have twins one way or another? (I know they would be hard, but I could so love having two little babies!)
8. what IF we do get to have the 5-6 children family we have always wanted??
9. what IF I never had acne ever again?? (dream the impossible dream!)

That was fun, and surprisingly therapeutic. It's a good thing this blog's main purpose isn't entertainment, or else it would really stink! To learn more about infertility, click here.

How We Got To Where We Is Be

A number of things have prompted this post, but there are three big ones: I can't sleep despite my exhaustion (to get on a normal schedule), it's National Infertility awareness week (it exists. done.), and I promised I would talk more about my infertility (and I always keep my promises. Yeah, I'm reliable like that).

So I'll just come out with it, and like Fräulein Maria said, the beginning is "a very good place to start."

September 16, 2000: I missed school on my 14th birthday because I was bleeding out in my nether region. I had been taking birth-control for a while to help regulate Aunt Flow's monthly visits as she was unpredictable in her arrival and always varied her intensities and lengths of stay. At the time the doctors said it wasn't a big deal since medically I was healthy and relatively happy. I still got to have a couple friends over that night, so I was good.

Sometime in December 2005: I was to be married in April and had a pre-marital-relations check-up. "Yes doctor, I have been on birth control since I was 13. No, I am not sexually active now. Yes, I do have plans on having a family. Yes, I realize this annoying little problem may cause difficulties getting pregnant" (although they said it wouldn't be too big of a deal, we may just need some meds...I wish.)

Between January and April 2006: I told Nicholas about my "addiction" to birth control, showed him my pills, and told him everything I knew about my issue. We discussed having 5-6 kids and a dog.

August 2006: We had been married 4 months-ish, and I decided to ask Heavenly Father about this whole "starting a family" thing. I didn't want to begin right after we were married because I was only 19, just a child myself I thought. Beginning the process in August meant a baby would come (if all happened quickly) about the same time I would graduate and after I moved beyond teenage-hood.

December 2006: I told my friend Virginia that we were having a hard time getting pregnant. I told her I was scared and disheartened. That was when I first realized that maybe the doctors underestimated the hardship that comes along with difficulties in getting pregnant. This was the first time I admitted to myself that I may never be pregnant.

September 2007: No baby. Just frustration and jealousy at this point. But since we'd been "trying" for a year we could visit a fertility specialist. We should have visited one prior to that, but we had heard no one would see us until that year mark. Not true, just FYI. I also got a real job with real health insurance; it didn't cover everything, but it helped and made getting things started possible. Early on there was a lot of bloodwork and tests to diagnose the problem. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS), which means I have a bunch of little pustules on my ovaries that keep them from doing what they're supposed to do. To learn more about it and the side effects click here, because I don't really want to go into the boring details.

***Just know that for me Aunt Flow visits on average every 4-6 months, I have acne all the time, weight gain and loss is very sporadic, and I am susceptible to having diabetes when I'm older because I am insensitive to insulin. Hopefully that wasn't TMI, but shoot any questions to me via my Formspring account. I maybe doing a post in the future about my specifics with the infirmity if there is interest.***

October 2007: A talk by Spencer J. Condie was given at General Conference. My lifeline then and now. It gave me hope and reminded me that God is not slack concerning His promises. We had been promised children, and He will deliver on those promises.

December 2007: My grandmother passed away. Driving to and from her funeral (about 35 hours) we spent talking about our infertility process. The hardships, what we want to do, what we have learned, and how it has blessed our life. This discussion really allowed me to voice out loud that even though I would prefer not to have this trial, I have been more able to feel "encircled about eternally in the arms of His love."

September 2008: At this point we had been working with the doctors for about a year, gone through all the varying pill treatments available that we were willing to try (Clomid, Metformin, etc.), and probably done a couple IUI's. Nothing worked and the doctor kept telling us "there's no reason to push too hard; you're still so young." Every time he said that I would think "Doc, I was supposed to be a mom already, and Nick should have been a dad a long time ago. It's just not fair." The inside of my head made me sound like a whiny kid, but that's truly how I felt. If I wasn't in control of my body, who was? (Later I wrapped my head around that God always has things under control, even if we don't see it.)

January 2009: I found out I would be losing my health insurance at the end of February. Rockin' news, I know. That's about the same time we decided that maybe we should look into the adoption option to build our family. Initially I didn't like the idea at all. I thought of it as a consultation prize: "Congratulations, your fertility treatments didn't work and you can't afford continuing without good health insurance. Johnny, show them what they've won!" I didn't want to have to explain to our child someday in the future that they came to our family because Mommy and Daddy couldn't get the baby they really wanted. How could I look myself in the mirror and call myself a Mother if I had that attitude?

April 2009: We extended my health insurance coverage for a couple months to continue fertility treatments. Our last attempt before canceling insurance and moving to my school insurance was canceled because my ovaries were inflamed and the doc was worried about giving us sextuplets. So we called LDS Family Services and setup an appointment to talk to a social worker. I wrote a post about it, but I still wasn't convinced adoption was what I wanted. I still thought it was a second choice, otherwise why didn't we look into it before?

Sometime between April and June 2009: We were apart of a sealing team at the temple. I heard the prayer for sealing a child to their parents and I was completely sold on adoption. It could work, I could love our child as if they had been born directly from me. Because of adoption I could be a mom and sing my babies to sleep. I've been completely on board the adoption roller coaster since then.

The pain of infertility is not gone because I feel the hope of children through adoption, and I still believe we will get pregnant eventually. God promised. But I also believe that there is a reason that a fairly simple/common infertility problem did not respond to over a year of medical treatment and planning. I am not totally comfortable with calling myself infertile, not because I am in denial, but because I believe God will deliver on His promises more fully than I could possibly imagine. I also know that no matter how a child comes to our family we will love them better than any other parents in the past, present, or future. Because they will be completely ours.



Let me just say also: God bless our birthmother, wherever she is in her life. She is amazing, and I have this strong feeling that we are going to be very close. Some things you just know.

A Female Sheep's Legacy

The name Rachel means Ewe, or in other words is a female sheep. That's right, baa baa sheep. Rachel is also the wife of Jacob, which was the name of the smelly kid in my 3rd grade class. Lame, I know! Growing up I was so bummed that my parents named me Rachel simply because they liked the name. I wanted a name with meaning, substance, like some of the boys' names I shared last Thursday. But ya know, I think my parents were inspired. I love my name! It has given me so much to work towards, so much to become, and so much gratitude.

And this story is why...
While watching, try to imagine how I felt when I heard this for the first time in October 2007 at our church's General Conference. At that point, we had been trying to get pregnant for about 14 months, and I felt so incredibly forgotten. I still cry EVERY time I watch it!

He gets choked up in all the perfect spots! Here is the full text of the talk.

Whenever I feel discouraged about ANYTHING, I watch this and remember to "claim my exceedingly great and precious promises and never let go!" When God remembers us it is not because He ever forgot about us in the first place. A parent never forgets their child, but they certainly remember them. Sometimes we just have to trust that "the Lord is not slack concerning His promises." We have been promised children, and I know they will come in the Lord's time. And until then we will patiently prepare for our posterity.

I cannot wait to meet Rachel of old who has given me so many reasons to love my name and to have hope for the future. Her story ends tragically as she did die after she bore Benjamin, but her influence is perhaps stronger today because of her trials than if she had not experienced all the pain and heartache of infertility. I hope my own story ends in a way that has that same outcome. I look forward to meeting my hero Rachel when it does.

I've Always Been Afraid of Diving Boards...

...and yet here I go, about to make the big plunge. I have been delaying this post, mostly because I have no idea how it is going to turn out. I have no plan, I am just going to start typing, and then read it through to try to organize the complete incomprehensible dribble that is sure to follow.

Let me begin by saying that I have been thinking about the purpose of this blog, and if am I fulfilling that purpose. Like any good graduate student I wanted a thesis, a direction for everything in our blog to focus on. My goal by making this blog was initially so people could read about our adoption process and lives in general, but now that we're all approved for adoption and waiting for a young girl to help bring us our eternal family, I feel like the goal has changed a little. I want someone who reads this blog to know whatever they want to about us. I want them to feel like they've known us forever, or at least would like to know more. That is the goal now, this is a "get to know us" blog.

A big part of what "us" is is something I have been avoiding talking about, mostly because it is hard to explain infertility, especially our individual situation, to those not directly in it. But this is a big part of who we are as a couple, and I am hoping that maybe somebody out there who reads our blog is interested in knowing a little more about “who [we are] and what God expects [us] to do.” (That quote comes from this song in a monologue at 1:38 if you want to skip to it. Love this movie!)

A couple things have encouraged me to begin writing about infertility, or write about more directly our process of patiently preparing for posterity. One was a direct suggestion on how to improve our blog from a birth mom who blogs about her feelings of adoption, and the heartache and hope she feels. It helps her to understand adoptive couples more fully if she can read about their stories/feelings of infertility directly. Also, some questions I have been receiving on my formspring account (keep them coming!) make me think that some people might be interested in the more emotional/spiritual side of my physical shortcomings. The thing that really pushed me into begin writing was our church’s General Conference this past weekend. Many talks were on parenthood, motherhood, or simply being strong leaders of youth. None of these talks made me cry tears of pain or heartache, but a few tears of hope and faith were shed. It made me think that maybe I am at a point in my spiritual progression that I am able to share my feelings about infertility and patience in a way that won't be depressing, but instead helpful to others. Crossing my fingers for that!

I want to be honest, and I don't want to sugarcoat the heartache or the well of tears my eyes have experienced many times. But I do want to say that everyday is not a depressing wasteland for me or Nicholas. Our home is filled with as much laughter and love as a couple waiting and hoping for our children can muster. What I think is incredible is that there is always room for more love, laughter, hope, and faith in our lives! Living life well today but hoping for a grand and glorious tomorrow is really a great way to live life well! Hoping or wishing for a better today is where some people get distracted with what they want instead of with what they have already been blessed. Kudos to you if you can pull it off, but I have found that living life one day at a time is the best way of relishing life and allowing myself to live it well today. I can't live life fully today while wishing that every phone call is going to be from our social worker...I simply don't know how to do that. Maybe someday when I am further along in my perfection, but for today I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who “is pleased even with [my] stumbles.” (Read more C.S. Lewis quotes here.)

I didn’t intend this post to be a novel, just an introduction, if you will, to future posts that I may write about our infertility process. I want people to know that we are truly happy with where our life is now, and we are thrilled about the prospects of where it will be in the future. We both know that we are blessed daily by the hand of God and have felt that more fully and completely as we have desired to understand His purposes in having us wait for children. I hope that our experiences will be a foundation for the rest of our lives and help us cope with more difficult trials that are sure to come. It is also my hope that as I share some of our experiences, others will be able to understand more about who we are and what we want our family to become.

And just because every post is better with a picture: Whenever I used to feel guilty about not being able to get pregnant, Nicholas would always say he would rather go through this trial with me than have any other blessing with anybody else. When I look at this picture I believe it. (I know it's a little mushy, but suck it up...you know you love it!)