In Defense of Theses and Marriage

I've been thinking a lot about marriage recently, specifically the one I share with Nick. When we began our life together, we sealed together our bodies and our spirits -- our souls. We promised we would share our time, laundry, dishes, joys, sorrows, laundry, accomplishments, homework, laundry heartbreaks, laundry, and everything else for the rest of our lives.

For the rest of eternity.

That's a pretty big commitment to make at 19 and 23 years old after only knowing each other for not even 2 years. And I couldn't be happier with my decision.

Now, 7 years and little bit later, we are closing the formal education chapter of our lives together today. Yes, my genius husband is defending his thesis today! These past few months have been hard -- filled with  early mornings, late nights, and very little time together in between. To put it frankly, it has been a time that has really stretched and defined our marriage and commitment to each other.

***And if you think I am using the title "genius husband" liberally, I would beg to differ. The title of his dissertation is "Magnetic Wreaths, Cycles, and Buoyant Loops in Convective Dynamos." Boo-yah!***

I would say the first year of our life together, facing infertility, and finishing Nick's Ph.D. are, so far, the defining points in our marriage where we really had to be firmly planted side by side, working very hard, to grow together as one.

 Our engagement picture entitled "The One We Like"

And after today, that defining period will be concluding. It's a kind of bitter sweet because as lives are shaped and defined they are also molded and formed into something new...hopefully better than they were. In our case, our lives are completely different than they were when we began as two separate entities, and how they are today is in large part due to the experiences we have shared as Nick has been working on his Ph.D. and all of these have happened while Nick's been a student.

I mean, the events of today is what our life together has been building and working towards since its inception! It's time to move on and be done, but I am certain that in 50 years this period in our lives will be regarded with love and fondness.

So I say with great pride: Nicholas, defend your thesis with honor, dignity, a stout heart, and a sure voice! I love you and the life we are moving to New Mexico next week! Truly, there could not be a woman as proud of or more devoted to her husband than I am this morning! My heart overflows with gratitude, love, joy, and excitement for you today as it does everyday I get to wake up knowing we are truly united and grow as one!

And just in case you don't know what a thesis defense looks like in practice, here's an example:

***UPDATE: Nick turned in his final dissertation August 9, 2013!!***

Let's Get Established, Yeah Yeah Yeah!

"Who, being loved, is poor?" -Oscar Wilde

Okay, cards on the table: I got married when I was 19-years old. Yup, I was a baby, and I looked like a baby, too. See?

It's crazy to think how young I was, and when I tell people, even those of the Mormon faith who tend to marry young anyway, I usually say my surprising young age with a quiet and ashamed voice. Not because I think I made a poor choice, but it seems to me that the world thinks I missed out on a lively single-life experience or that because of my marrying age divorce is inevitable or something along those lines.

Well, amid the sea of statistics and opinions that say Nick's and my marriage (he was only 23) is destined to be ridden with regrets and separation, a friend found and shared an article with me that helps me lift my head with pride about my decision to marry young!

"The fairytale wedding is [seen as a] gateway into adult life. But in my experience, this idea about marriage as the end of the road is pretty misguided and means couples are missing out on a lot of the fun."

 

The article goes onto say a lot of other things, but the jist of it is that since we all have to get financially established and secure our place in the world anyway, why not do it married to your favorite person and enjoy that establishing period all the more??

Good question!

The first example to the contrary I can think of is Scrooge in The Muppet's Christmas Carol who had someone he really cared about and lost her because they didn't have enough money for a descent home.

You maybe snickering to yourself because that maybe a juvenile example, but it's one that is not far from how some people choose to go about their single life -- alone AND poor. How sad! Why not be poor WITH someone who makes poverty a lot more pleasant??

A close friend asked us yesterday if we've been in school our entire married life, and we confirmed their suspicions. You could absolutely say that for the past 7+ years of marriage Nick and I have been getting "established." We don't have tons of excess resources. Neither of us ever spent a summer backpacking through Europe. Our birthday and Christmas gifts have usually been very small and inexpensive items. More than once we've bailed each other out of tough/expensive fixes using creative methods. We have had to say to each other many times four of the most loving words one mate can say to another: "We can't afford it." 

However, like the article said: we have also had so much fun!!  There's not a thing about my financially poor life with Nick that I would change because it has not felt like it was lacking in anything that truly matters! Oh how I love cuddling up with him at night and reminiscing about the life we've established together -- side-by-side, hand-in-hand, as we smile and laugh because we haven't had waffles in months since there are no extra resources to replace our broken waffle iron.

As I look ahead to our 10th, 15th, 20th, 50th, etc. anniversaries, I think how precious these "good ole' days" are going to be to us! How grateful I am to have found my eternal mate so early in my life and to have had the extraordinary opportunity to get established along side him!

Aly TV: Animal Sounds

One of Alexa's favorite books is "Quack Quack!".  It's a book with large pictures of various animals with little patches of "fur" on each one that you can touch and feel.  For several months now she's loved to read it before bed.  There really aren't many words in the book, so we end up going through, asking what each animal says, and making the appropriate animal noise.  Some of them she picked up really quickly, like the cat saying "meow". Some of them are still a little rough.  She has no idea what the pig says most of the time. Still it's been fun to see her figure them out.  And it's even more fun to show her real live animals and then see her make the connection between her book and the real world.

Yesterday Rachel caught Aly after lunch on video and asked her about the animal sounds.  Enjoy!


Animal Sounds from Nick Nelson on Vimeo.

I Can Do Hard Things

I was originally going to make this post concerning a week I spent with Alexa, on my own, as Nick was at a conference in California. I felt good at the end of that week! I had done a lot of things I wasn't sure I could do, and I wanted to brag about it. And while the title of the post remains true, I would like to take this conversation to another place.

A place of humility instead of pride.

A place that I wish to take my little sister, Suzy, as she is about to embark on fulfilling a call from God to serve a mission in the Texas Houston area, come November 16th.

I want her, and all of you, to know that we, as children of a divine creator, can do hard things. I can do hard things. Before I ever think about retreating from something, I say this mantra to myself, and then re-evaluate. If it is not necessary that's one thing, but those things are not to what I am referring. I am saying I can do hard things that God wants me to do because he will make me capable to do them. 

 Just after Nick and I got engaged, and just after we decided to begin our family we read this speech given by Elder Jeffery R. Holland, one of the Lord's disciples on the earth today, in which he said 

"Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompense of reward. For you have need of patience that after ye have done the will of God, ye receive the promise...We are are not of them that draw back into perdition...I think that is to say, sure it's tough, that is the way it has always been...Don't panic and retreat. Don't lose your confidence. Don't forget how you once felt. Don't distrust the experience you had."

I think about the experiences in my life that have given me the most cause for retreating. My first year in college was one, and my trial with infertility has been another. In both cases there was so much adversity that I doubted God remembered me at all, let alone had my best interests at heart. And both times I had experiences that proved those times of doubt completely false! And both times I received rewards for my continued efforts that I could never have imagined!

My pleading call to my little sister today is to always remember how much God loves you! Always remember and hold tightly onto the experiences you have had that testify of that truth to your heart! Always remember that no matter how hard life gets, now and forever, that as a beloved daughter of an almighty Father, you can do hard things! Always remember that "after you have gotten the message, after you have paid the price to feel his love and hear the word of the Lord, 'go forward.' Don't fear, don't vacillate, don't quibble, don't whine." The hard things you can do are completely worth their reward!

God is not cheap in his gift-giving like some of our relatives...you know who you are! ;)

Be strong, kid-o. Everything in life from here on out is going to be hard because you are doing good things and The Adversary wants to destroy good as often as He can. But always remember, you can do hard things! I love you so much, Suzy! You make everyone in our family so proud because of all the good that you do and the joy and hope you give to each of us as you daily remind us that we can all do hard things!

Just in case you'd rather not read the talk, this YouTube video gives highlights. Enjoy!

***One last, seemingly unrelated thought. Jen, our sister, gave me some advice before I left for BYU that I will never forget. She told me "People are the most important." More than anything else, how we treat others is a testament to how we live the Gospel of Jesus Christ. More than  getting somewhere on time, more than getting work done, and even more than our own personal path of perfection. People, God's children, are His greatest glory, and they should be ours, too. That piece of advice has served me well, so I thought I would pass it along to you.***

 I'm excited to hear about all the good, hard things you will do in the mission field! You will be surely missed, though. Perhaps more than I can understand right now. Love you!

Living Up to My Privileges

Yesterday I spent a lot of my time making excuses for myself. Creating reasons why things were not cleaned, or ironed, or cooked, or read, or done was not the kind of daily creative energy I want to be putting forth. I had some good moments, but far too many excuses.

And none of this "you're a new mom, don't be so hard on yourself" nonsense. My baby takes naps, so at the very least I could be using that time to be productive instead of casually taking an hour to make and eat lunch and then another hour waiting and worrying Alexa will wake-up far before she should. It's silly nonsense, and it needs to stop.

This declaration is accompanied with many goals I have set for myself on a daily basis, and I can never seem to get all of them accomplished. So then my question for myself is: Am I a perfectionist that asks to much of myself or am I simply not living up to my privileges? 

Perhaps a little of both, but honestly, and unfortunately, I think it's far more the latter.

I mean, how many women do you know have a Master's degree and get to be a stay-at-home mom? I can only think of one, which may reflect my lack of knowledge of my friends' educational backgrounds, but I think it also means I am one blessed little lady. I love to learn and read and should be sharing that love with my daughter through my own literary pursuits as well as reading with her more often.

How many people do you know who have parents and in-laws who have strong, stable, and committed marriages? What a blessing this is to have two sets of parents who love their spouse, family, and God to thrive in a marital relationship for nearly 30 years each! I should be applying their expertise, knowledge, and examples in my everyday life.

Just these two sets of privileges require me to make some decisions on good, better, and best ways to spend my time. Seriously, how often do I need to check Facebook, play with Pinterest, read blogs, and watch movies or TV shows on Netflix or Hulu? Not nearly as often as I have been, that's for sure. I feel like there's so much more to say, but let's save some action for future posts. I will leave you with this thought that's been rolling through my mind lately:

Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish

One of the songs I sing to Aly when I put her to sleep says the following:

I'm trying to be like Jesus;

I'm following in His ways.

I'm trying to love as He did

In all that I do and say.

At times I am tempted to make a wrong choice,

But I try to listen as the still small voice whispers:

"Love one another as Jesus loves you.

Try to show kindness in all that you do.

Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought,

For these are the things Jesus taught."

Typically this song is sung by children. In fact, I sang this song many times as a child, which is why the words still resonate with me. It wasn't until I was a teenager that these words really sunk in. For the first time I realized this is how I hope I live my life, all summed up in one little song. 

And so I sing it to my daughter, because this is how I hope she lives her life. 

There are many other things I really want my daughter to know. Of course a knowledge of Jesus Christ is the center of that, but I hope she learns many other wonderful things as well. I was just watching a commencement speech given by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Inc., to Stanford graduates in 2005. He concluded his comments with the phrase

"Stay hungry. Stay foolish." 

Sidenote: Aly is hungry almost every 3 hours to a T, so I hope if she stays that hungry she learns to feed herself.

I imagine he means to stay ambitious, hungry for life and opportunities. Alexa is hungry for formula, but she is also so eager to search and absorb new things. She loves being outside, despite the bright sun. That girl is hungry, and I hope she never loses that.

Alexa is also very naive. She has no idea about the foreign oil crisis or that the Missouri tornado death count reached 116, making it tied for the deadliest tornado in America on record [source]. And to be honest, she doesn't care. All she cares about is that when she cries someone is there to meet her needs, and if we're really good, we meet her needs before she cries. Of course I want her to have compassion for others, but I don't want her to lose focus of what is really important in life, and for the moment she has that down! She knows her mommy and daddy will be there to help her no matter what, and that she has to nap even when she thinks she doesn't want to nap. That's it. Steve Jobs called it foolishness to believe the world is as small as your 900 sq ft condo. I call it focus.

As she grows older and learns new things, she will grow more hungry/passionate for specific things, first bubbles then horses then boys then who knows. As that hunger grows, I hope her foolishness/focus grows with it. I hope she believes that she can go and do anything her passionate heart leads her to do. And it's my job, as her mother, to nurture her with all the tools she needs to get her there, and I think the least of those tools is money, and the greatest of those tools is love.

That's what I wish and hope for my baby girl. To stay hungry, stay foolish, and stay with God. And I'll love her every moment, especially as that hunger and foolishness leads to heartbreak and frustration, and as that devotion to God leads to service, compassion, and unavoidable sorrow for the pains of others. And her daddy will do the same...probably trying to help with money because he's a pushover!

What do you hope for your children?

Infertility Myth Buster!

Yeah, that would be me.

MYTH: Infertiles are super sad because of their disease and are super touchy about it, so you shouldn't talk to them about their infertility or babies or your own pregnancy.

BUSTED!: Yeah, there are some insecure sobbies out there, but the majority of us have pretty thick skin and pretty big hearts. It takes a lot to really damage us, and from years of fertility treatments and insensitive questions we're pretty used to talking very openly about our conception issues. Yes, we have our bad days and moments that are emotionally trying, but let's not assume that's a constant state of being. We like educating people about our infertility...why do you suppose there are so many blogs written by infertiles?? (Or an entire week dedicated to infertility awareness? Just sayin'.)

After a recent post I received an email from a long-time friend from high school who said the following:

"I'm often 'scared' to comment about things that I know I don't understand fully and probably never will...And please, don't take offense to this because often reading something doesn't project your tone of voice very well. When a person conceives a child and she has a friend or family member who is having a hard time doing so, is it better to say nothing at all rather than express the joy you are feeling?"

From personal experience/personality, I know it can be uncomfortable talking about something you may not know a whole lot about with someone who knows a whole lot more about that something than you do (hello, I'm married to an astrophysicist for crying out loud). I know that there are fears out there among fertile myrtles that keep them from talking with me or other friends about our disease so as to spare their feelings because something you say may end up on an annoyed blog post (some things I wish people would just stop doing) the next day. I really do understand those hesitations...been there.

NEWSFLASH: We know we're not pregnant, and that's okay. It's never the sincere quandaries from a person who truly wants to know more about our disease that ever hurts, it's the insensitive thoughtless comments that get under our thick skin. I would say 99% of us would rather have you talk and sincerely want to know answers about our disease than not say anything and pretend like it doesn't exist. Infertility exists, it's very real for some of us, and that's okay if you're not part of that elect group. Not just anyone can cut it, so don't beat yourself up. ;)

***Emailing friend, to answer your question: I would think ones you are close to 

would be happy to know you're happy, but you could probably spare the details of 

pregnancy-only happiness, like hearing the baby's heartbeat, feeling her kick, etc. 

I hope that helps!***

If you want to know more about infertility, go here, or ask me...I don't bite.

Counting Blessings

I read a comment on a blog by a woman who has had a number of health issues, including ones that keep her and her husband from having kids. She was addressing those with kids and said

"we would trade the best day we've had without kids for your worst day with them."

Ya know what, we wouldn't. I 'm not judging this girl or think less of her. I cannot begin to fathom the level of their difficulties as a couple. I'm just saying, for us, we have a pretty nice life. 

I wouldn't trade our most difficult and sad day for any other families' most spectacular. That's because we know we are where we are and who we are because of those days.

As a 3.5/5 star movie once said "How could [we] be angry when this is clearly as God intended it to be for [us]?"

We still ache for our children, quite often recently, but "when upon life's billows you are tempest tossed...count your many blessings see what God hath done."

1. We have a rock solid marriage. Seriously, it's everything I ever wanted.

Happiness is...Liberation!

I graduated. That's right, I am no longer a student!! I cannot even explain how good it feels to sit here, blog, watch So You Think You Can Dance (on Hulu), all in my PJ's, without thought to an assignment. Bliss.

So I know it's Thursday, but in honor of my new found liberation, this is the only post you're getting out of me tonight. Here's a picture to make you happy, just like I am right now!



It just makes me happy. Liberate yourself today!!

Taking a Vacation from Our Problems

That's right folks, we're going to the most beautiful place in the entire world and we're going to be spending that time water skiing, tubing, knee boarding, talking, eating, laughing, all with the some of the greatest people EVER! And, most importantly, I will NOT be writing a paper for school (or avoiding writing a paper as the case maybe)!

So, we're signing off for now until July 17th when we will begin sharing our adventures with you right here. And so we leave you from the shadows of the everlasting hills with some clips from wonderful summer flicks! Enjoy!

 

Let me reiterate that everytime I think I couldn't be more excited about this vacation, well, I get more excited! Peace out homies!

Fill in the Blank Friday

I started participating in this game a couple weeks ago, and I am excited to do it all again! Play along will you, from this awesome new site I found!

1. The best thing about being in school is...I feel accomplished. My last job didn't give me that, but now I feel like I am capable of so much more than I thought I could ever do!

2. The worst part about being in school is...when I want to have fun and be creative I sometimes can't because I have reading, projects, or emails to write. I enjoy learning, but it sometimes cramps my creativity style.

3. My favorite subject in school was...always music/choir/orchestra, but I really enjoyed my economics and public policy courses I took this past year. Talk about a 180-degree change! Who'da thunk it?

4. One subject I wish I could have mastered was...orchestra. I've played the violin since I was 5, and I still play in church, but I am definitely not as good as I ever wanted to be. Now I feel like I've missed my chance. I just can't practice for hours a day like I used to do.

5. I could never get tired of studying...statistics and making pointless numbers mean something to others because that was one major problem I had in my math classes, but applying that skill to different situations and applications and policies is how it stays interesting and relevant (see #4  on Nick's Thursday 13). But my guess is that my short attention span would not allow me to study one thing forever, which I'm okay with. Why choose just one thing?

6. The most memorable teacher I had was...my 4th grade teacher, Mr. Marquez, for a couple reasons. (1) He recommended that I skip 5th grade, which I did. (What 4th grader wouldn't?) (2) I got to name our class pet guinea pig, which I picked Oreo because his ends were black and his middle was white. (3) H taught me how to love reading. He read our class The Giver by Lois Lowry and that was the first non-picture book that I really devoured! (4) It was his motivation to think about our future that made me decide when I was 10 years-old that I wanted to attend BYU. There was no negotiating after that point.

7. If I could choose between going to school for the rest of my life or working for the rest of my life I'd choose...probably go to school. If I could just learn what I wanted to learn for the sake of gaining knowledge, and get paid enough to survive, school would win hands down! Although, I had another job interview yesterday, and I could do that forever I think...I'll tell you more about it if there's good news to share!


Happy News: I bought these adorable new shoes yesterday for $10. Yeah, it's okay to be jealous if your envy is over something this awesome! Sad News: nowhere to wear them...yet!

This Is How I Roll

Or more politically correct, this is the vocation that I am pursuing.

I know when I say I am getting my Master's degree in Public Administration (all done in August!) people give me blank stares and many eyes glaze over. Allow me to clarify a bit about what I want to do: nonprofit work in education policy. A couple reasons for that choice are (1) nonprofits need hard-working, passionate, and intelligent people who aren't too concerned about making billions of dollars, which I fit the bill perfectly! And (2), the education system in this country is in need of some serious overhaul! Check out this video that the nonprofit I'm interning with this summer is screening:

 

I chose education policy because things like this are happening all over the country, and it's not okay.

If you would like to actually see the film in person, go here for showings in your area. 

At the Stapleton screening in Colorado, there will be a panel discussion following the screening with Lt. Governor Barbara O'Brien, Speaker of the House Terrance Carroll, Denver School Board President Nate Easley, and Denver School of Science and Technology CEO Bill Kurtz moderated by Education Reform Now’s Van Schoales. 

For us policy nerds, that gathering of people is like getting the cast of Friends together to talk about a reunion show. Seriously exciting stuff! 

Feel free to leave comments on your feelings of the state of education in America: it's flaws, strengths, and possible solutions if they're necessary. Or not...thanks for indulging me!

This One's For the Moms

Have you seen the movie Mona Lisa Smile? I think it is a great movie about strong, intelligent women learning how to become stronger and intelligent-er. Let me just point out that I realize it's a complete and unabashed attack on conservative values which I hold very dear. At one point in the movie the liberal professor from California, Katherine (played by Julia Roberts), tries to convince one of her students (played by Julia Stiles) to go to law school. This is their conversation:

Joan: It was my choice, not to go. He [her new husband] would have supported it.
Katherine: But you don't have to choose!
Joan: No, I have to. I want a home, I want a family! That's not something I'll sacrifice.
Katherine: No one's asking you to sacrifice that, Joan. I just want you to understand that you can do both.
Joan: Do you think I'll wake up one morning and regret not being a lawyer?
Katherine: Yes, I'm afraid that you will.
Joan: Not as much as I'd regret not having a family, not being there to raise them. I know exactly what I'm doing and it doesn't make me any less smart. This must seem terrible to you.
Katherine: I didn't say that.
Joan: Sure you did. You always do. You stand in class and tell us to look beyond the image, but you don't. To you a housewife is someone who sold her soul for a center hall colonial. She has no depth, no intellect, no interests. You're the one who said I could do anything I wanted. This is what I want.

I have always been torn with this movie, because I kinda fell into the world of career woman, it's not something I chose from the beginning. I have to justify our choice to adopt EVERY SINGLE DAY because classmates wonder why I am getting an advanced degree if I am planning on just staying at home eventually. And I know when I first saw the movie I was thinking "it's how people see BYU: a 'finishing school disguised as a college' and that all the women are at BYU 'just biding their time until somebody purposes'" which both are quotes from the movie.  But I love Joan's attitude! Being a homemaker is a proud role, and all you moms out there should not be ashamed of choosing it! You're smart, beautiful, and know you are not sacrificing anything by making that choice to have and raise children! People may look at women with conservative values and think that because they are at home because they have no depth, intellect, or interests. I was talking with a friend and she was depressed because, I think, she started to believe that malarkey! That she had nothing to offer beyond changing diapers and having dinner on the table by 5pm. These are truly important things, but I plead with you not to lose your intellect, depth, and interests or you're only proving the world's point: that you "sold [your] soul for a single hall colonial."  Continue to read, learn, study, develop talents, and don't squander the blessing it is to teach your children how to do the same! Many women don't have that chance because of financial or health reasons, so don't forget that you chose this because this is what you want!

Going to graduate school has done so much more to help me realize my potential that I did not know I was capable of and gave me confidence to pursue dreams I didn't know I had before. Ya know what's awesome though? Many of you don't need to go to graduate school to discover all those things, just don't forget how much you love to discover, learn, create, and especially that you want to be a stay-at-home-mom because you know that "motherhood is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind. It places her who honors its holy calling and service next to the angels." (Quote found here.)

Be proud of your divine calling and don't give those who don't believe in it's divinity any reason to doubt it!!