I Kinda Love Colorado

Nick left for work at 5:50am this morning and plans on putting in at least a 12.5 hour day, if not more to avoid going in to work tomorrow.

When we agreed to do graduate school this is what we signed up for -- occasional crazy days, typical 11-hour days, and a lot of vacation flexibility so long as it doesn't coincide with a conference or big publication. It's not easy all the time, but even if one had told me how lonely some periods of my life would feel I would have still agreed to it.

In fact, we maybe agreeing to it already. I'm not going to go into specifics, but Nick has/will be applying to eight (possibly nine) jobs this winter. He's headed out of town for a "job interview" Sunday and will be back Tuesday (quick trip). He's applying for jobs across the country leaving our family's future completely unpredictable (which is a real change from its completely predictable past).

I have done a lot of reflecting recently because of all this "Momy-time" I've been having recently, and the thing that surprises me the most about our time in Colorado is how much "it feels like home to me." I don't really know what I was expecting when we moved here, but living in Utah for school never felt like home, and I was there for 3 years. I always felt like a visitor saying "I'll be home [in Oregon] for Christmas" and now find myself saying "I'm so glad we'll be home [in Colorado] for Christmas."

One of the first pictures we took on our very first "let's explore!" walks in Colorado.

Maybe it's because so much of me has happened in the past 5.5 years. Thinking about where I was as a person when we moved here and where I am now just blows my mind! My 21-year old self would not have believed what I am capable of doing now or what I was capable of becoming.

Dolled Up in August 2007

Dolled Up in September 2012

(Geez! I figured how to pose for pics, fix my hair, trim my eyebrows, cover up zits, and wear clothes! Holy Cow!)

I wonder if that's what home is...maybe home is a place where you become the person you were always meant to be. That takes stretching, and stretching takes time. Don't get me wrong, I was stretched plenty in college, but places don't feel like home so much to me as the people that helped me through those times of stretching. Mostly Nick, but also my roommates and friends who held my hand and dried my tears through the flour gooping up in them (long story...okay, not that long: flour fights). In Utah it was the people I ended up missing, and here it's going to be the people but also the places where created our first real home.

 

One flour fight of many in college. So fun!

I kinda love Colorado, a lot more than I thought I would after 5.5 years. I'm going to really try to enjoy the snow this year.

Mourning My Fertile Life

I think this is the third time I've started this post, because I've had the feelings and thoughts but have been unsure how to form them coherently.

That was until I watched this video (again) and realized that sometimes I, like NieNie, mourn for the loss of the woman I thought I was going to become. By now I thought I was going to be a young mom with 4 kids under the age of 6 with one on the way and planning on having at least 2-3 more. I wanted to have that beautiful family of young children causing raucous during church with my hair frazzled and exhausted at days end because I had worked so hard at being a pregnant mom trying to wrangle my small but growing family. That woman I imagined had been bred for motherhood glory, endowed with child-bearing hips and so many babysitting opportunities in her youth it would make anyone's head spin! She was everything every other mom looked to as a pillar of strength because she fulfilled all her responsibilities with her young family and still served others willingly and faithfully and kept her home cute and beautiful. Her life was far too perfect to be actually real for anyone to be living. It was unrealistic, sure, but in some sense plausible.

Occasionally, more often as we go through adoption paperwork, I mourn over the loss of that once idealistic scenario of mine. That picture in my head of that woman I thought I would become fades with every passing day that I am not pregnant or not adopting another child. I do--I really mourn that woman because I know she will never exist. At least not how I pictured her...not how I pictured myself and my life and my family. Many tears have been shed over her, and many more are still to come, I'm certain of that.

I am already 25, almost 26, and have only one baby and there are currently 4 exposed nails pounded into my walls where frames have been removed and nothing has replaced them. The mother and homemaker at one time I thought I would be at this point is a fantasy, and sometimes when I linger on that fantasy I forget about the fantastical life I do have.

My husband is a wonderful provider, financially, spiritually, emotionally, et cetera-ly for our family. He loves me and we just celebrated a wonderful 6th anniversary together this past Saturday.

My daughter is a miracle in our family placed with us for time and eternity by two wonderfully amazing parents who love her as much as Nick and I do. Not many parents have people in their children's lives that love their children as much as they do, but our children do/will.

I had the opportunity to get an advanced education where learned so many fascinating things, but mostly that I am capable of doing things I never thought I could. In that vision I had of myself in the past, I never ever was doing data analysis and really enjoying my work. That wasn't my "area" of skill or interest.

I think perhaps the thing I am most grateful for that I could not have ever guessed as a younger woman was that I would eventually be so incredibly grateful for the trial of infertility as much I am today. How could I have known that the experiences related to my greatest trial (so far) would shape my faith and the way I serve others and the compassion I have for others and the love I have for my husband and daughter so abundantly that I can't imagine my life without those experiences? And why would I want to?

I  have such a wonderful life and I am blessed everyday to be living in it! Sometimes thoughts of that once-fantasy life creeps in my mind and I once again take a moment to mourn the loss of that young mother who has it all and can grow her family whenever she wants. Sure those thoughts come, and I honestly don't want those thoughts to ever go away completely. While the specifics can't be as I thought they would be, the happy home and family I imagined certainly can be. That vision, while different, is a lot closer and more attainable than I sometimes think it is. And those visions I receive of that version of me who has "it all" keeps me striving for "it all" (as much as I can control) in my current circumstance.

And even if I never have another child, or a dog, or a home that is the envy of the neighborhood, I still have such a beautiful life! And I am grateful for it everyday!

I honestly wouldn't change a thing...except for maybe those exposed nails on the wall. Something must be done there. 

The Sun Is A Fun Place To Work

I am a graduate student and research assistant at the University of Colorado in astronomy and physics.  My research involves making computer simulations of the interior of the sun to study the sun's magnetic fields.  Like the Earth, the sun has a magnetic field but since the sun is a plasma the magnetic field interacts with everything, not just magnets.  Here's a cool example of this from the surface of the sun thanks to a solar telescope in Italy (click to enlarge):

Each of those little lines is a jet of 5,000 degree plasma several hundred miles wide and several hundred thousand miles long moving at over 30,000 miles per hour.  The magnetic field creates a tube the makes all of the gas flow in the same direction. 

So where does the magnetic field come from and how does it get out to the surface of the sun?  Those are the kinds of questions I'm trying to answer.

What to write....

To be honest, I really don't know these days.

Since I started working, I get up at 5:15ish, off to work by 6:45, get home around 5pm, make dinner, and hangout with Nick or do one of the billion things on our agenda for that day. Life is super busy and I have hard time figuring out what would be interesting for you to read about.

Therefore, I am coming to you! Please help!! What would you like to know about, see, or hear on our blog? I realize I've been lame recently, but I honestly put so much effort into each post that it is difficult to find an hour or so that I have to dedicate everyday, or even every other day. I'm not even on Facebook or even my computer that much anymore.

So please, questions, thoughts, suggestions, prompts, hypothetical situations, likes and dislikes about the blog or us are all welcome! (I am really hoping I get a lot of comments or questions on Formspring because at the very least I could use a jumping off point for a couple posts.) Help a sista out!

The First Day of Jobhood

Today was my first day in the new job I just got, and I'll tell you what: it is AWESOME! The people seem fabulous, and I get my own

*cubicle

*desk

*phone

*phone extension

*laptop

*name placard

*business cards

*email address

*white board

(I'm really geeking out over this list, I can't even explain it)

and I get to pretty much, with the exception of a bunch of meetings I need to attend, make my own schedule. It doesn't pay a whole lot, but I more than doubled our annual income (not saying a lot there) and got us dental insurance!

Okay, those are the perks of the job, but let me tell you what I actually do (and try to avoid gaging on this one): I'm a data analyst. You heard me right, I analyze data! Remember the statistics course I stopped after one semester in high school partly because my teacher (Mr. Atkinson) was a complete num skull and partly because I hated every minute of actual statistics? Yeah, that's basically what I do, or will do starting tomorrow, and I absolutely love it! Partly I think it's the organization and the people I am doing the work for. They really believe that I am going to do a good job, so even when I look at all the things they're asking me to do and think "there's no way" I feel capable when they look at me and think "she's incredible." I will try to never underestimate the power that thinking the most of others can have on their lives.


The organization I am working for is called Parent Pathways, which helps teen parents raise healthy families. It funds an alternative high school for teen mothers. Now I know what you're thinking: "Shouldn't Rachel be encouraging these moms to place their child for adoption rather than keep their babies because, well, she's trying to adopt?" You're probably right, but I know that not every teen mom was meant for adoption. My oldest sister Cindy wasn't, and she was able to create a beautiful family with the father of her children. These moms who are trying their best, given their situations, to improve their children's lives should get the help they need to do so. Overall, I feel like while this solution to teen pregnancy isn't perfect, it is beneficial in reality.


Let me just say I never would have guessed, not in a million years, that I would be getting business cards with the job title Data Analyst on them! But I do feel like God has known all along, and this is where He wants me to be. I am truly grateful for this job, and the fact I don't have to write anymore cover letters for a while.


And yes, I totally called my voicemail about 5 times today just to hear my name, and the first time I did I hung up really fast because I thought I had actually called a real person who answered their phone. Very professional, I know.

A Woman of Business

Good News: Rachel has been offered a job as a data analyst for a local non-profit called Parent Pathways! Look at her be all business-y.
Parent Pathways' mission is "to help teen parents raise healthy families." They run an alternative school for teen parents in Denver, provide early childhood education for the children of teen parents, and help teen parents develop life skills that will help them be successful in their lives and their families. She'll be using her powers of logic, reason, and statistics to help Parent Pathways measure how well they are fulfilling their mission and how they can adjust what they are doing to fulfill it better.