I Can't Be a Mom All By Myself

I can't be a mom all by myself.

That statement has many meanings, but this morning two come to mind.

First, I can't be a mom without my husband. Some women can do that, and I applaud them and their amazingness and capacity, but I cannot. These past few weeks as he works so hard finishing up his Ph.D. I have felt lonely in my trials (not alone because caring for two children one is never alone). However, his return home always lifts my heart and makes the long day I just had seem manageable again tomorrow -- even when that return is at 10pm. I can not be a mom without my husband.

Second, I would not be a mom today without two other moms who placed their children in our home and hearts. All three of us, together, create the vision of motherhood for our family. That realization is humbling and heart-breaking. The fact that I am physically unable to be the complete mothering package for my children is sad for me, but I wouldn't trade that heartache for anything because of the love that swells inside of me this morning for my babies and the women who created and love them just as much as I do. I can not be a mom without these women.

I am not the sole bearer of the title "Mother" in our family. In fact, I'm not even the first "Mother" for my kids. They were mothered and loved long before I even knew they existed. But even though there's heart-break that comes with infertility, I could not be happier about sharing this role with the two bravest and strongest women I know. What company I share when I have no right to share it -- no right at all! I am only here because of them, and my heart overflows with joy, love, gratitude, hope, peace, and happiness for the life I lead, no matter how hard some days are, because of my children's first mothers.

I can't be a mom all by myself, and I couldn't be happier about it! 

Music Monday

"What's Mine Is Yours," Katherine Nelson

I have listened to this song dozens of times since first hearing it. I don't feel like there's a lot to say other than we are so grateful for our children's birth parents who are very much aware that children are not ours, but God's.

Thank you Ray, Melissa, and The Sneetch's birth family in particular! You have, do, and will bless our family's life in ways none of us can begin to imagine! We love you all!

My Cup, and Everything Else, Runneth Over

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever. (Psalm 23:4-6)

My heart is so full today, not necessarily because of anything in particular, but my life is just so blessed. Everyday I am a mom I know is a blessing and a gift that was given to me and that I could not give to myself.

Because there are no words to adequately describe my feelings, I will not try to do so. I just love Melissa and Ray and our future children's birth-families so much!

I am particularly grateful for this moment, and this morning, and every time we find our daughter after nap or bedtime completely or on her way to being naked. It's just so great and I feel so blessed! I love my family so much!

Why I Hate Cancer (Reason #3,872)

Subtitle: Why I Love Open Adoption (Reason #1,590)

Back in August we got to meet for the first time Melissa's mom, Alexa's birth-grandma. On Saturday we got to see Alexa's birth-grandpa, Ray's dad, for the first time since nearly two-years ago.

 

The only picture we have of Alexa and Ray's dad when she was born.

He was at the hospital when Alexa was born, but lives in Las Vegas so we haven't seen him since. Recently he's moved to Denver because, well, he has cancer.

Alexa with 3 of the most important men in her life.

He has Stage 4 Brain Cancer that has moved into his esophagus making it difficult to eat. So after visiting for a while on Saturday, we went to Fazoli's because they serve soup and that goes down pretty easily. While sitting there he talked with me about his ambitions.

Nick and Alexa playing with Ray and Melissa's cat, Simon.

"I'm going to run again. I have to get strong so I can run again." As long as I live, I don't think I'll ever forget those words. Here's a few reasons why...

Ray's dad is short, has a small frame, has olive skin, is bald, wears glasses, runs (a lot), served in the military, and is very happy quietly watching his family grow.

My dad is short, has a small frame, has olive skin, is bald, wears glasses, runs (a lot), served in the military, and is very happy quietly watching his family grow.

I kid you not, their similarities are uncanny! When I was listening to him speak about how he was going to work hard so he could run and be strong again it was like listening to my own father speak about overcoming cancer if he were ever plagued with that illness.

Some people may call this a coincidence, but I don't believe for a second that Alexa has two grandfather's that share so many wonderful qualities. What a blessed little girl she is! How blessed we all are!

As a beautiful gesture, on Saturday Ray and his father presented Alexa with all of her grandfather's war medals from when he served in Vietnam.

Our hearts overflowed with gratitude! He has other grandchildren who could have received those beautiful medals, but he gave them to Alexa. That memory and those medals are priceless!

How blessed our family is because of open adoption!

And cancer is really stupid.

In Your Patience You Posess Your Souls

“Patience means accepting that which cannot be changed and facing it with courage, grace, and faith. It means being 'willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon [us], even as a child doth submit to his father.' Ultimately, patience means being 'firm and steadfast, and immovable in keeping the commandments of the Lord'  every hour of every day, even when it is hard to do so.”  President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Continue in Patience, emphasis added

Thursday was one of those times that was really hard to be firm and steadfast, only because waiting for good things is just not fun sometimes.

So today I will make the situation I cannot change better through gratitude and work. That is my goal today: to lose myself in work and service and to express my gratitude for all that I have, both to God and those people around me.

I will begin by saying Thank You to Ray and Melissa, because they brought me this moment during a walk Alexa and I took recently.

Every moment I have with her is because of you, so thank you for this particular one! My heart is always full of gratitude for you both and the decision you made nearly 2-years ago! I am a mom because they had the love, faith, and courage to do what they knew was right for their daughter. Words cannot express my heart...

Last night in my prayers I recommitted myself to prepare for the arrival of our next child. When I have the opportunity to be a mother of two, I want to be ready for it! If in my patience I posses my soul, I hope that all this patient preparation I am doing is refining my soul into the person the Lord needs me to become. 

Sometimes there are Thursdays, days when you'd give up if you could, but you have no choice but to continue in patience. But today is Tuesday, and today I am going to do all I can to possess my soul through this time of necessary patience!

BraveLove.org

This maybe one of my favorite things I've seen in a long time. BraveLove.org is responsible for this beautiful video and thought, and I encourage you to help share their beautiful message, or if you are in a position to assist them financially you should do so. What a wonderful organization!

I love Melissa for sharing the title of Mom and Mother with me! Alexa is such a lucky girl!

Our Family Advocates Adoption (Even in Grocery Lines)

When we started flirting with the idea of adoption a few years ago I really did not understand what I was signing up for. I really didn't get that I was signing up for a lot of insensitive or downright rude and judgmental commentary from complete strangers towards myself, my husband, my daughter, or my children's birthparents. I didn't know I'd have to be an adoption advocate every time a checker at the grocery store told me "She has your smile" or "You two look so much alike."

I am embarrassed to admit that in the past I have held my tongue, and I did so because frankly, it is not their business that none of her genes came from me! And why do I have to open the door to their potential load of crappy adoption ideas or insensitive comments?! I'm just shopping for crying out loud!

But the truth is I am so proud of my daughter's adoption! In fact, aside from my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (learn more here), nothing makes me more proud! I want to correct misconceptions, change crappy ideas people have, and help people see how wonderful adoption is!
It's my responsibility to speak up when people say mis-informed or insensitive or blatantly wrong things or even simple things like "you look alike." It is my responsibility as a parent to my adopted child. It's my responsibility as a co-mother with Melissa. It's my responsibility as the mother who Ray chose to be with his daughter everyday. It's my responsibility as a niece to two adopted aunts. It's my responsibility as a person, a child of God, to act rather than be acted upon.

And when it comes to adoption, you can bet the bank that I will act, and as time goes on I guarantee you I will act more with more conviction. (I promise Nick will too, but he can write his own post if he wants.)

So this post started as a commitment to our little Sneetch who will enter our little adoption-oriented family, and to Sneetch's birthparents, that our family will always advocate for adoption. We will always standby our children's birth-families! We will always do everything we can to maintain the most open relationship with those birth-families as humanly possible! We're in this for the long, dirty, messy haul, and we're in it now deeper than we have ever been because there are so many blessings amidst all that dirt and mess...and the stakes for our family - for our children - have never been higher.

Alexa and the rest of our adopted children need to know that there is not a speck of shame in our hearts about whose uterus they grew in or the path we went through as their parents to get them into our family. We are so proud, and will share that pride at all times and in all places, including with checkers at the grocery store.

We even wear t-shirts and walk in parades to show our adoption pride!

Music Monday: Happy Sealing Day!

We Were Made for This, Train

One year ago we were here:

We have so much to celebrate today! So much gratitude in our hearts and so much love for each other in everything we do! I love that everyday is a choice, and we all chose each other once and continue making that choice everyday. I couldn't be more grateful that Ray and Melissa chose us...but then again my gratitude seems to increase everyday (weird)! Happy Sealing Day to everyone!

PS Our little growing bundle has her top two 2-year molars in. Need I remind you she's only 19.5 months?? CRAZY!!

Spreading the Good Word at Storytime

At library storytime today I announced that Alexa was adopted and that we were hoping to adopt again and that if anyone wanted to talk more about it I had contact information and would love to chat.

Well, one mom did want to chat. She asked me all sorts of questions and I got to explain what an open adoption is, which is great. And just in case she's reading this now, this is what an open adoption looks like:

We had a great time with Ray, Melissa, and Bjorn on Saturday and are so glad we can spread the great news of adoption with whoever wants to know about it...and even probably some that don't.

Piglet's Adoption Story, Part 4 (The Finale)

...My little girl had just been born!

 That was early Friday morning, and the next few days in the hospital were a bit of a blur. A blissfully wonderful blur full of holding, swaying, feeding, swooning, smiling, singing, and healing. We met Ray's dad and son, Bjorn, and some of Ray and Melissa's friends came to meet us and offer their love and support. That part of the experience was faith-inspiring and left both Nick and I in awe of the responsibilities we now had as Alexa's parents.

Alexa's half-brother, Bjorn, and Alexa in the hospital. He bought her booties and a necklace.

Ray left for scout camp on Saturday, and so Saturday night Nick was able to have Alexa in our room to love and feed and I spent the night in Melissa's room to give her a shoulder to cry on or a friend's ear to talk in if she needed it. There was so much love between each of our families one to another at that time. And because of a beautiful baby girl, we were all very much united as a family. Just as we always should have been.

Ray and Melissa with Alexa before Ray left for scout camp.

On Sunday we were allowed to go home, and placement was done in early afternoon. It was awful. I think I expected it to be exciting, and maybe I was a little excited, but the excitement really didn't set in until we were driving away from the hospital. Up until then all of our hearts were breaking. Watching Melissa cry and knowing there was a very simple way I could mend her aching, and yet it was not my decision to make, was just awful! As we walked out of the hospital doors, and both Nick and I both hugged Melissa. As she and I hugged, between sobs she whispered in my ear "Don't let me take her back tomorrow." I reassured her that this was the right decision and that overtime things would get better. I hugged her again, and we all went our separate ways. Finally to our home with our daughter in the back seat.

Melissa and our case worker with Alexa right before placement.

That night Nick ran over to Wal-Mart to get "burp cloths" (cheap wash cloths that we now use as rags) and a crib. It was a late night, but Alexa and I enjoyed watching dad put her bed together as his first official Daddy project. We all went to sleep in our respective beds and woke up many times for feedings, relishing every moment. 

Daddy putting the crib together, and Alexa using it for the first time.

Monday morning Nick had to go to work for just a couple of hours, so Alexa and I stayed home, where I just held her, didn't shower, and talked with friends and family on the phone. I think it was about 10am when I got a call from Nick, and as I type this my heart is just starting to pound a little. He told me Melissa changed her mind and had sent us a text that simply said "I want my baby back." My legs went numb and I slid my back down the wall and collapsed holding my daughter as tight as possible. This couldn't be possible!

And yet it was. We called our case worker in a panic and he made his way down to Ray and Melissa's home to discuss the repercussions of this decision. And so we waited. We waited to hear from him until 9pm that night, all the while hoping for the best and trying to avoid our thoughts from thinking the worst. We sat on the couch and watched a movie that we would feel good about never watching again if things went poorly: Nova's Ancient Refuge in the Holy Land. Oh yes, we also prayed. We prayed constantly! Out-loud, in silence, and on the phone with family. My goodness did we pour our hearts out to our God on that day, more than I ever had before or have since.

{Sorry, not a lot of pictures from this day. As you can probably imagine, it wasn't a day we really wanted to capture in photos.}

When we did get our case worker's phone call, he was somber and very tired. He told us she had not changed her mind and that we were to meet at his office at 10am Tuesday morning to hand over our daughter so he could return her to Melissa. Our hearts broke - it felt almost literally. We decided that on our last night together we would do everything we had dreamed of doing with Alexa that we could do with an infant. We read every book we treasured with her (ie. The Sneetches, The Lorax, Pat the Bunny, etc.), we told her every family/funny story we could think of, and we sang every song that we thought she might like. Once we were all too tired to stay awake any longer, we went to bed, but this night we couldn't bear to let her sleep alone...or maybe we couldn't bear to be without her for any longer than was necessary. Yeah, that's definitely it.

It's hard to describe how the following morning went in our home. We were quiet, constant tears were being shed, and heartfelt silent prayers were being offered without ceasing. Nick offered a special prayer, a Father's blessing, for Alexa that morning, as she was soon to leave our hands and we'd probably never see her again. We wrote a letter to Ray and Melissa expressing our love for them and for Alexa. We put that note in a bag full of things they would need: diapers, clothes, bottles, etc. We also decided that if this was going to be the last memory Alexa would have with us, we wanted it to be a positive one. If by some miracle she were to remember us, we wanted her to remember us as strong, loving, and happy people. So, we put our best foot forward by dressing our best and left for the adoption agency.

One last picture with Alexa, and one last one of her in her carseat. Doesn't Nick's face break your heart?

We arrived at 9:45, and we drove as slow as slow as humanly possible. Our case worker said that was the first time anyone ever arrived to a placement reversal early, so he gave us some time with Alexa. He said we could have all the time we wanted, and so we suggested driving until we got to Mexico. In our last moments with Alexa, I gave her a kiss while she was still in her carseat, but I didn't want to hold her again. It was too much. Nick wanted to hold her one last time before handing her to our case worker and then walking away. So he did - and he sobbed. And so I sobbed. And our case worker checked his phone (??)...because he had just received a text message.

From Melissa.

It said something along the lines that she had made a mistake and that Alexa should stay with us! Of course that all had to be confirmed, but after about 20 minutes of not breathing and being confused as all get out, our case worker came back in the room. (Nick and I decided that feeling must be what insanity is like. We were just so emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted and the ups and downs were just too high and too low to have life make any sense at all. That's insanity.) Our case worker held his phone up to me to read it...and the screen had turned dark! 

OH MY GOSH!! One more second of not knowing and my heart could have exploded!

Okay, so once I could read the message, it was from Melissa and it said that she meant what she had texted before and that she was wrong in asking for Alexa back. She belonged in our family.

Readers, I have lived a life of faith and spirituality, and I may live a hundred more years and never witness a miracle as blatantly obvious as I did on that February morning.

Nick and I decided to not call or tell anyone until the relinquishment paperwork had been filed with the court, so we waited for our case worker to draw up the paperwork, we drove with him to the court house, waited for him to come out after filing, and then on the way home began calling family members (who were all crying when we spoke with them). We were driving home, once again, with our little girl in the back seat.

Only this time it was permanent.

And suddenly we got very hungry (we realized we hadn't really eaten an actual meal in about 20 hours), so we pit stopped at Little Caesar's for a Hot n' Ready pizza. We now look back on those 24 hours, when we we must think of them, as the most challenging of our life. It's also the day I think of that when I forget how blessed I am to be ALexa's mom. Nick and I wanted this life enough to fight so hard for it. We would have done anything to keep Alexa in our family that day, and everyday since then. 

At the end of those awful 24 hours. So tired but so happy.

It's hard to imagine we maybe setting ourselves up for that type of craziness again...but it's so easy to see now that every pain and tear and prayer was more than worth it.  

Our family sealed together for time and all eternity: October 8, 2011

***I want to take this moment to be perfectly clear that we harbor no ill-feelings towards Melissa or Ray or anyone for anything that happened during those awful 24 hours. They made us stronger as a family and deepened our conviction that adoption was/is the right thing for our family more than anything else ever could. They strengthened our faith in God, in our family, and in the power of prayer. As hard as they were, I wouldn't trade them for anything...especially since I now know the outcome is awesome!***

Piglet's Adoption Story, Part 3

***I know I never finished Alexa's adoption story, or at least it's been quite sometime since the last installment, and even more time since the first installment, so bear with me because these last two parts are the best parts of the story!***

...but this was a good start, and we knew it.

So we went home after meeting Ray and Melissa for the first time feeling good, but not trying to get overly excited as our hearts were still aching from the Hayley and Hannah situation which was still very fresh on our minds and hearts. We decided, however, that at bare minimum we needed a crib and a carseat which we ordered from Walmart since Melissa's tentative due date was still two weeks away.

That meeting was February 11, 2011, and it wasn't really until February 13th that we really let ourselves believe this was really happening, and it wasn't until the 16th that we decided to pack hospital bags and leave them in the car, just in case something did happen early.

On February 15, 2011, Nick and I expressed these thoughts in our daily journal respectively:

"As the prospect of having a baby looms larger over our lives right now, it's both an exciting and stressful time." 

"As our daughter's birth draws closer, I am growing more nervous that something is bound to go wrong."

On February 17th I was working late (because I knew I'd be out for a while, even if I hadn't told my boss or co-workers to avoid a false-alarm fiasco again) and my phone rang. I assumed it was Nick because he was also still at work and just letting me know he was on his way home. I was wrong. It was our case worker, and when I answered he asked me "Are you ready? Because it's time. They're at the hospital." My stomach leaped right into me throat and immediately got that "her water just broke" kind of panic in my demeanor. 

I called Nick...no answer. So I called again while I was fumbling around my cubicle turning things off and putting things in piles so others could easily find what I'm referring to when they call me and ask me questions....no answer again. So I called again when I was running out of the office to the car and as I drove away from my job for, I was hoping, at least 6 weeks...still no answer. So I called again as I'm driving down the freeway towards our house trying to remain calm that my husband won't answer his phone and our baby maybe being delivered right then...and still no answer! I think I called a total of 13 times before he called me back at which point I was able to tell him that our daughter was coming, and we have a 2 hour drive to make and what are we going to do?! I was nearly hyperventilating from excitement and nervous energy. 

During that two hours we talked about names for our baby (it was between Natalie, Grace, or Alexa), the fact that we didn't have a carseat (the one we ordered hadn't arrived yet), and that had I gotten pulled over while driving like a maniac on the way to the house I would have had a really hard time convincing the officer that I was going to pick up my husband to take him to the hospital so we could be there for our daughter's birth. We also called our family and our bosses, but nothing seemed to fill the time enough. And yet when we got to the hospital it seemed like we could have used another 5 hours in the car to prepare ourselves. I don't care when you become a parent, I bet it seems like you're not prepared.

We got there a bit after 9pm, and we met Ray and Melissa for only the second time up in the hospital room. They were so respectful and allowed us to make the decisions on immunizations and they made sure every nurse knew who we were and why we were there. It was overwhelming how committed they were to this decision they had made. Melissa invited both of us to be in the delivery room for the birth, which I eagerly agreed to do, and Nick hesitated to do because he didn't want to make Melissa uncomfortable...well, more uncomfortable anyway. What another incredible gift they were giving to us when we know they would have been totally justified in not giving it at all!

As Melissa's contractions increased, we did our best to pass the time by talking and learning more about each other, although I don't really remember what we talked about. I do remember, however, that every time Melissa had a contraction I tensed up really bad, gripped Nick's hand, and felt so guilty that she had to go through all that pain just so I could be a Mom. It wasn't fair and I wished I could have taken it all away! Oh, I felt so guilty!

Her big contractions seemed to last a long time, but I think she was in active labor for an hour and a half. It was so late at that point, around 1am, and we were all so tired, but Melissa kept pushing (and asking for more drugs). Just before Alexa was born, there was a swarm of nurses and doctors around Melissa, but once I heard that little cry, and once I saw her tiny little body my stomach jumped up into my throat and she was mine. My little girl had just been born!

***Click here to read the concluding portion of Alexa's adoption story!***

It Should Have Always Been

This summer Ray worked at a scout camp in Wyoming and along his way up and back down at the end of the summer he stopped by our place for a visit. Back in June he came and went to one of Alexa's swim practices with her and I, and a couple weeks ago he dropped by on his way home from camp with his son, Bjorn. He called that morning and things worked out for us to see them, which was so great! We went on a walk to the park and the creek near our home. We all really enjoyed ourselves!

After going down the slide together, sometimes things are a little crazy!

Creek near our home: so beautiful!

Creek near our home: so fun!

Ray and son Bjorn watching Alexa explore the creek

I think one of my favorite parts about open adoption is that over time it evolves into something that should have always been, but it took a little miracle to forge the friendship. Our relationship with Ray and Melissa is extremely casual and normal that I sometimes forget how extraordinary having a positive relationship and frequent interactions with our child's birth family is a pretty uncommon and uncomfortable idea for most other people.

Silly people. [Shakes her head disappointingly.]

Why I Love Open Adoption Reason #837

Alexa with her birth mom and birth grandma.

On Saturday we met Alexa's birth grandma for the first time, and it was wonderful! She lives in Washington State and so we haven't been able to get together until then. I think we were all just a little nervous, none of us not really knowing what to expect. Let me just tell you right out that any fears we had were completely unfounded! It was a simple gathering filled with love, gifts, and pizza, and yet it was one of the most heart-warming experiences of our life thus far.

 Playing with Melissa on the swing set in their courtyard.

Playing with the blocks given to her by Ray and Melissa...exactly as they were meant to be used.

Getting comforted by her first Mommy.

Me, Melissa, and Melissa's Mom. Alexa was supposed to be in the picture, too, but her schedule was just slammed and she couldn't make it.

Alexa will be blessed her entire life knowing that she has two family groups who love her as their own. Both her adoptive family and birth family are her number one fans, her biggest supporters, and are those who pray for her daily. She has two sets of families who want nothing more than the best for her, who cheer her on, who will answer her toughest questions, and who will be there for her on her toughest days. I used to get a little jealous of those parents who could call their children their own and no one else's, but now I can't imagine a better life for my children than being able to share them with the people who love them just as much as we do! I am so excited to meet more of Alexa's birth family as time goes on, and am so happy for my daughter who gets to create eternal, loving ties with the people who love her enough to place her in our family!

Oh, how we love open adoption!

PS Ray is not in any pictures because he was on a scout campout with his son, Bjorn. They came up and saw us two weekends ago. Post to come!

Mourning My Fertile Life

I think this is the third time I've started this post, because I've had the feelings and thoughts but have been unsure how to form them coherently.

That was until I watched this video (again) and realized that sometimes I, like NieNie, mourn for the loss of the woman I thought I was going to become. By now I thought I was going to be a young mom with 4 kids under the age of 6 with one on the way and planning on having at least 2-3 more. I wanted to have that beautiful family of young children causing raucous during church with my hair frazzled and exhausted at days end because I had worked so hard at being a pregnant mom trying to wrangle my small but growing family. That woman I imagined had been bred for motherhood glory, endowed with child-bearing hips and so many babysitting opportunities in her youth it would make anyone's head spin! She was everything every other mom looked to as a pillar of strength because she fulfilled all her responsibilities with her young family and still served others willingly and faithfully and kept her home cute and beautiful. Her life was far too perfect to be actually real for anyone to be living. It was unrealistic, sure, but in some sense plausible.

Occasionally, more often as we go through adoption paperwork, I mourn over the loss of that once idealistic scenario of mine. That picture in my head of that woman I thought I would become fades with every passing day that I am not pregnant or not adopting another child. I do--I really mourn that woman because I know she will never exist. At least not how I pictured her...not how I pictured myself and my life and my family. Many tears have been shed over her, and many more are still to come, I'm certain of that.

I am already 25, almost 26, and have only one baby and there are currently 4 exposed nails pounded into my walls where frames have been removed and nothing has replaced them. The mother and homemaker at one time I thought I would be at this point is a fantasy, and sometimes when I linger on that fantasy I forget about the fantastical life I do have.

My husband is a wonderful provider, financially, spiritually, emotionally, et cetera-ly for our family. He loves me and we just celebrated a wonderful 6th anniversary together this past Saturday.

My daughter is a miracle in our family placed with us for time and eternity by two wonderfully amazing parents who love her as much as Nick and I do. Not many parents have people in their children's lives that love their children as much as they do, but our children do/will.

I had the opportunity to get an advanced education where learned so many fascinating things, but mostly that I am capable of doing things I never thought I could. In that vision I had of myself in the past, I never ever was doing data analysis and really enjoying my work. That wasn't my "area" of skill or interest.

I think perhaps the thing I am most grateful for that I could not have ever guessed as a younger woman was that I would eventually be so incredibly grateful for the trial of infertility as much I am today. How could I have known that the experiences related to my greatest trial (so far) would shape my faith and the way I serve others and the compassion I have for others and the love I have for my husband and daughter so abundantly that I can't imagine my life without those experiences? And why would I want to?

I  have such a wonderful life and I am blessed everyday to be living in it! Sometimes thoughts of that once-fantasy life creeps in my mind and I once again take a moment to mourn the loss of that young mother who has it all and can grow her family whenever she wants. Sure those thoughts come, and I honestly don't want those thoughts to ever go away completely. While the specifics can't be as I thought they would be, the happy home and family I imagined certainly can be. That vision, while different, is a lot closer and more attainable than I sometimes think it is. And those visions I receive of that version of me who has "it all" keeps me striving for "it all" (as much as I can control) in my current circumstance.

And even if I never have another child, or a dog, or a home that is the envy of the neighborhood, I still have such a beautiful life! And I am grateful for it everyday!

I honestly wouldn't change a thing...except for maybe those exposed nails on the wall. Something must be done there. 

5, 10, and 15 Year Plan

I saw this post on a new blog I'm getting wrapped up in and I had a lot of fun talking with Nick about our 5, 10, and 15 years plans that I decided to do a post on them. This is so fun to be as specific as you can because life is pretty predictable so I think our future will be pretty close to what I'll describe here soon (sarcasm is tricky to relate through writing, so FYI I was joking...haha). I'll try to stay brief, but frankly our life is so awesome I'm not sure if I can! And without further ado...

Five years from now...
I am going to be 30, Nick will be 34, Alexa will be 6 (that blows my mind), Grace will be 3.5, Isaac will be just a brand new baby, and Pip the fish will be such a joy to all, but especially to Isaac and Grace! We're going to be busy with Alexa in Kindergarten, playing soccer, doing gymnastics, and her and Gracie will be taking swimming lessons. Of course all of this will be taking place as Nick is finishing up his post-doc from Cornell University, which means we'll stay plenty busy exploring as much of the East Coast as we can take in! We'll be renting a lovely home in New York with a surprisingly big yard and I'll enjoy nothing more than doing all I can to make the cozy (a.k.a. small) home a piece of heaven.

Ten years from now...
I am going to be 35, Nick will be 39, Alexa will be 11, Grace will be 8.5, Isaac will be 5, Owen will be 2, and I'll be pregnant with little Natalie! Pip the fish, Toby the basset hound dog, and Horton the lizzard/frog/bunny/turtle/snake/hamster/etc. will keep all the kids wildly entertained! We're going to live in our dream home up in Pullman, WA where Nick will be a professor at Washington State. He will absolutely love his work and his family and his church calling on the stake council. I will stay plenty busy taking care of everyone and working with the young women in our ward. Alexa is going to be getting into hair, makeup, boys (which will give her dad minor heart attacks daily), yet she'll maintain her free-spirit and interest in soccer. She, along with Grace, will not necessarily enjoy piano lessons, but will go to them if they want to continue in their other interests. Grace is going to be just like her daddy and love school and think science and math are the bees-knees! Isaac will be almost starting kindergarten and be the dirtiest little boy with the cutest curly hair you've ever seen! Owen will idolize his brother and the three of us will be so busy making forts and looking at bugs and jumping in puddles we'll hardly have time for things like dishes and ironing (I can only hope). And of course, Natalie, our little birth-miracle, she'll be doted upon like nobody's business by myself, her proud daddy, and her older sisters. Life will be so sweet!


Fifteen years from now...
I am going to be 40, Nick will be 44, Alexa will be 16, Grace will be 13.5, Isaac will be 10, Owen will be 7, Natalie will be 5, and our surprise boy Gabriel will be just a couple months old (Nick doesn't like that name now, but I think I can talk him into it in 15 years)! Nick and I will will be planning on a lovely trip to Brazil for our 21st year anniversary that coming summer with his money from his Nobel Prize explaining solar magnetic polarity reversal (look it up)! We're going to love the rain and everything about our house in Pullman (which will still be getting improvements made by Nick's tinkering). One thing we won't love, well, Nick and I won't love, is that Alexa will be driving and dating and doing a lot of both. She will work hard in school and will love hanging out with her friends in our kick-trash-party basement, as will Grace! I can't tell you how much Gracie will remind me of Nick, and I'll just love it so much! Isaac will be into everything a 10-year old should be into, but especially scouting and baseball. Owen, like his brother, will love baseball but will also love his first-grade class and teacher and starting piano lessons. Natalie and I will be preparing for kindergarten by going to the library weekly (like we've done with all our kids for years) and also playing with Gabe like he's a little doll. Gabe is going to be a pretty mellow dude, and just enjoy life as it comes, but still love to get into everything and play with his mommy, daddy, and siblings. Of course Toby (the most patient dog in the world...he never dies, so no worries there), Tiny Tim (Pip died a couple years ago, so we will have had this new fish since then), and Horton are all enjoying their lives as part of our family as well.

This is so fun to think about, but as I was writing I thought of about a billion variations to this game plan that I would be just as excited about (a couple include adopting internationally and doing a foster-to-adopt program out of birth-order). Whatever happens, I am so happy to have Nick, Alexa, Ray, Melissa, and the rest of our family along for the ride from here on out. Isn't my life going to continue to be incredible??  

 
Our wonderful family of three!

A Letter to My 1 Year Old

Dear Alexa,

Daddy and I love you very much and can't believe how much you have grown! It's hard to remember our life before you, and impossible to imagine our family without you. We love Ray and Melissa very much and are so grateful for the decision they made a year ago to let us be a part of your life. There are no words to express how much they love you, so they placed you in our family instead. What wonderful people they are and they wish you the happiest of birthdays also!

The pic on the left was taken exactly one year ago, and the pic on the right was taken today.
Just as a side note, Nick is totally wearing the same shirt in both pictures! What a steady guy I married!

I want you to know that we have had such a fun year together! You absolutely love to sneak up on Daddy or I, but don't particularly enjoy being sneaked up upon. You are insanely ticklish and when the time of day is just right and Daddy or I get just the right tickle spot you get these really crazy eyes and smile and laugh, which is one of my favorite games to play with you. When I need to do dishes or work in the kitchen or to do my makeup or hair you are always right at my feet ready to help! When I actually need to get some things done then sometimes I have you watch this sign-language video which you do happily. You always laugh or talk or giggle when the sign for "baby" comes on because you love watching the babies. You don't like to miss a beat, so you've never been really great at sleeping in public. You are a super fast crawler, and you can stand for just a few seconds, and really don't have much of an interest in walking since crawling is working just fine for you so far. I imagine that, just like you did with crawling, you'll figure out a good reason to start walking and pick it up in no time flat! You want to be a big kid so much, so you just love playing with kids at church that are a good 2-3 years older than you, even if you get hurt on occasion. Your favorite foods are crackers, cookies, and rice--our little grains girl! You love to turn pages while Daddy and I read to you, so you love The Foot Book and Hop on Pop because there are not many words on each page. You also have a fetish for the That's Not My...(Puppy, Monkey, Dragon, etc.) books and you know where to touch on each page. We had a monkey-themed birthday party for you and you really enjoyed your banana cake and playing with everyone who came to celebrate the wonderful you!

Here is a link to the banana cake recipe I used and here is a link to the cake design I used (chocolate covered raisins for the nose and tootsie rolls for the hair were the only changes I made).

Watching you grow this past year and being able to be a part of it has truly been the greatest joy of my life, and doing it all with Daddy only makes every moment sweeter. I can hardly believe you're one, and it scares and excites me as to how quickly it has all gone by. I know you will continue to amaze Daddy and me in all the wonderful things you do throughout your life, and I look forward to everyday I get to spend with you from now until forever. You are my favorite little girl, and I will spend the rest of my life trying to express to you how much myself, Daddy, and your Heavenly Father love you.


Happy Birthday, Alexa!

Love Always and Forever,
Mommy (or "Mom-mom" as you prefer to call me)

Top pic was taken exactly a year ago and the bottom one was taken today.

Kung Fu Adoption Awesomeness

Nick and I watched Kung Fu Panda 2 on Saturday night, and neither of us knew about the adoption overtones throughout the movie.

Oh, you didn't know about them either? Well, spoiler alert: Po's father, the Goose, adopted Po the Panda. Once Po found that out, he spends the rest of the movie asking the question "Who am I?" and "Where did I come from?"

In Nick's and my review of the movie this morning, I kind of found that storyline to be a bit...dull. Maybe these questions are pertinent to adoptees of another generation, and maybe other parents now have a big reveal to their kids that they were adopted, but frankly, as a participant in an open adoption relationship, I just don't understand it.

We have a picture of Ray, Melissa, Ray's dad, and Bjorn (Ray's son) up in Alexa's bedroom. We're going to visit them in a couple weeks. They're apart of our lives, as is adoption, and they will all continue to be a part of our lives forever.

We may have to have a "Do you understand what adoption is?" talk with Alexa sometime in the future, but not a "You were adopted" talk like Po had with his father.

Do you know who else agrees with me on this point? Angelina Jolie (and I assume Brad Pitt), one of the stars of Kung Fu Panda. Below is a portion of an interview she had regarding the movie and they talked about how she plans on revealing to her kids they were adopted. I like her response at 1:09 in the video (apparently YouTube's queue feature isn't as awesome as open adoption).

It's interesting to me that adoption to people that aren't in it is such a thrilling storyline for movies and books. This whole self-discovery because one wasn't raised by their biological parents just doesn't resonate with me at all anymore. Why should Alexa be confused about who she is anymore than any other self-reflective child/teen? If anything I would think adoption provides more information for a child to discover their true identity as not only a child of God, but they're also a child to their birthparents, and a child to their adoptive family. Three sources of information from people that love her as their own child...that is/will be really nice.

What a blessing open adoption is!

Happiness is...JCPenny's

After weeks and months apart, we finally were able to see Ray, Melissa, and Bjorn (Ray's 11-year old son) this past Saturday! It was the best visit ever!

We met at a mall and had lunch (mall food isn't great, but sometimes it hits the spot, ya know?). Then we walked around and actually ended up in JCPenny playing on some model beds. Pillows are one of Alexa's new obsessions. We had such a wonderful time and are so grateful for the family we adopted right along with Alexa!

This is Alexa's cheesy smile. 

She's starting to show off for the camera when we pull it out, which is both cute and 

frustrating because it means she stops doing what we were trying to get a picture of.

Can you see where she gets her beautiful smile...and eyes?

We can't wait until the next time we get to see them!

PS They gave Alexa a stuffed bear, which we thought should have a Christmas name, so we named him "Buddy, the Elf, the Bear." She loves laying her head on him!

Thursday Thirteen #23: Gratitude

Remember our last Thursday Thirteen? It's been a crazy year!

Last Thanksgiving we had just been contacted by our first fake birthmom, who was supposedly pregnant with triplets. I know, red flag, but she had contacted a case worker whom we talked with and he confirmed she had spoken with him about placing with us! So, we were hopeful.

From then to now we really have had a lot to be grateful for, so in no particular order:

1.

2.

3.

4.

 5.

6.

7. 

8. 

9. 

10. 

11. 

12. 

13.

Happy Thanksgiving, and we hope you have as much to be grateful for this year as we do!