Turn Down the Funk

I got a bit grumpy yesterday afternoon for really no reason at all. Sure I felt like I was juggling 18 different things and had to get to soccer practice and there was little cooperation from the kids, but that's just normal Tuesday business.

It was when I full-on raised my voice, throwing out the middle name and everything, because I thought Alexa was squirting her Capri-Sun all over the patio when in fact it was just a spray bottle that I realized I was clearly in the wrong. I gave her a hug and tried to mend it, but the damage had been done...harshly and unnecessarily.

There's a saying: "Four things come not back: the spoken word, the spent arrow, the past, the
neglected opportunity." - Omar Idn Al-Halif

Truly there was no reason for the little funk I was in, but instead of really trying to get out of it, I made small, pathetic efforts and lost my temper again. It was silly and really bumming everybody out! Eventually the evening got better, but it was not because of me.

This morning I read a beautiful message by the Prophet of God concerning love, and it was the best parenting advice I've received in a long while -- possibly ever. Here are some excerpts from that message (emphases added):

"'Why is it that the [ones] we love [most] become so frequently the targets of our harsh words? Why is it that [we] sometimes speak as if with daggers that cut to the quick?' The answer to these questions may be different for each of us, and yet the bottom line is that the reasons do not matter. If we would keep the commandment to love one another, we must treat each other with kindness and respect."

"I would hope that we would strive always to be considerate and to be sensitive to the thoughts and feelings and circumstances of those around us. Let us not demean or belittle. Rather, let us be compassionate and encouraging. We must be careful that we do not destroy another person's confidence through careless words or actions."

"As we arise each morning, let us determine to respond with love and kindness to whatever might come our way."

For me it is easy to forget sometimes that because my children do not always treat me with love and kindness or as a person with needs or feelings that it's okay to treat them the same way. But I, as their mother, need to exemplify the behavior I want them to emulate, and thus need to remember that children are people, too, like me, with tummies that get hungry and cause crankiness, or with frustrations that they need help to overcome, or simply with days that they just get into a funk for no reason at all!

In my quest to yell less and love more, I have thought many times "she is a person -- how do you speak to a person?" It's been simple, but powerful, because the reasons for harsh words and short-tempers do not matter when we've been commanded by Jesus Christ himself to "love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another."

So no matter what, I will do my best to respond with love and kindness to whatever might come my way, because I want to feel confident in knowing that my behavior, specifically my words and tone, would not change if the Savior stood beside me.

Today has been much less funky.

I Really Hate Yogurt!

 My teeny, tiny girl who somehow fit in her brother's vest. It's bit big for a newborn size, but still.

It's not about the taste or the calories or the cultures or the cruelty to the cows or anything like that.

It's about the fights.

I wish I could express how heated and how ridiculous the fights are in our house over yogurt!

Typically my issues with yogurt revolve around the two-year old crazy that ensues when she chooses yogurt for breakfast, and then refuses to eat it. The frequency that this event occurs in our home is border line ridiculous. There's screaming, yelling, time-outs, tears, and through-the-roof blood pressures. I intentionally do not buy yogurt for stints to avoid this decision-making insanity. No sane person could handle this situation well, and at 8 in the morning I consider myself to be pretty well put together. I'm a morning person.

However, to be fair, the stand off yesterday morning was not yogurt's fault necessarily. I was blow-drying my hair and I come out to find a mostly peeled orange with one bite out of it in the sink. Then I found an apple with no bites out of it, just a few bite marks...attempts at eating (nay, food-wasting). And she was sitting down at the table with a yogurt and spoon in hand. That all happened within like 10 minutes.

Admittedly I possibly overreacted, but all I asked her to do was eat some bites of her apple before we started in on the yogurt. So as to not relive the breakdown in my home and in my mind, I'll keep the recount of the subsequent events succinct.

Apples were thrown. Time outs were had. And the 45-minute showdown ended with me sitting on the floor of my daughter's room, crying, because I was out of ideas and I simply didn't want to yell at my baby girl.

I decided to throw in the towel. I let my side of the argument go, because I've made two decisions:

nothing is worth yelling at my daughter

and

nothing is more important than my relationship with my family.

Period.

But that doesn't mean I have to be on speaking terms with yogurt.

Three Days

So I went 3 days. Three pathetic days without yelling!

And what did I lose it over? Brushing teeth. Seriously. Alexa had been doing it herself the past few days and while 2 year olds are very dentally conscious and hygenically minded, I thought I would help her out anyway. That was a no go, and I yelled "just stop it! Let me help you!"

And that was that. I honestly thought I would do a lot better than 3 days...maybe I yell more often than I think...

On the bright side, I did figure out a trigger. I'm a bit surprised I didn't lose it over a poopy mess, but I think since I know those things drive me batty, I've prepared myself with a deep breath before I get her up from naptime or go into the bathroom. But after this morning and thinking about it for a bit, I realized I get really testy if we're running late. This morning I got in a rush and so I didn't have time to be patient or to deep breathe, I just needed her to listen right away no questions asked -- which happens all the time with 2-year olds!

In the words of my 6th grade self: NOT!

So I will begin again tomorrow, and see if trying not to be in a rush will help keep me from yelling. What a great day to start on, too...Thanksgiving! (Did I mention I don't like cooking and it really stresses me out? No? Well, now you know.)

Here we go again! Happy Thanksgiving!

Potty Training has Created a Monster!

My Crazy Girl and Me

I'm not a yeller...at least not outside of organized sports, then yelling is fair game! (Get it? Fair game!)

But in my house, I really wouldn't say I yell a lot. Raise my voice to let the kiddo know I'm serious (because I do goof around a lot), but it's really not often.

At least until potty-training...

Within the past month when we've gone full-on no diaper during the day at all, I have cleaned up WAY TOO MUCH fecal matter, and I have also seen a fear in my daughter's eyes that I hoped she would only show her soon-to-be murderer. I have literally yelled and hit my hand on the door just to make her feel a small part of the frustration and anger that I felt at that moment.

I'm pretty sure all she felt is fear and sadness, and those feelings do not foster a potty-trained kid or a healthy mother-daughter relationship. Trust me.

I don't share this information because I am proud of it or because I have all the solutions. I simply share because this is my soap box, and I have something to say that I need to hear:

Yelling at your children is NEVER okay. I'm not talking about the voice of warning that needs to be sharp and loud to keep your kids safe, nor am I talking about the "will you turn that noise down?!" moments. I am talking about the moments when your blood is boiling and you feel that exasperation down through your fingertips that just uncontrollably explodes out of you!

But that's just the thing. You can control it. YOU CAN CONTROL IT (I'm raising my voice at myself, not yelling)! It is really hard to forgive the 70 x 7th poopy mess that you've had to clean up this week for sure, but it's possible. 

The question comes down to it, Rachel, what kind of mom do you want to be? Do you want to be the kind of mom that yells at her kids? No? Well, then stop it! Do you want to be the kind of mom that holds a grudge against her 2 year old for being scared of pooping on the toilet and then scaring her after she has an accident because you are completely out of ideas? No? Well, then stop it! Do you want to be the kind of mom that invites and encourages the spirit of God into your home with positive, uplifting, and loving words, thoughts, and actions? Yes? Well, then just do it!

And that "just do it" philosophy is probably a lot easier said online than done as you literally watch your daughter poop her pants for the upteenth time, but there's good news (thank goodness)! You have help, which means you have hope. You're literally going to get dozens of more chances over the next few months to approach a disgusting, stinky, and heart-achingly horrible mess better than you approached the last one. You get this opportunity because Jesus gave it to you. The second verse of a song you sing to Alexa often (and gets you choked up as you sing it to her) goes like this:

If the Savior stood beside me, would I say the things I say?

Would my words be true and kind if He were never far away?

Would I try to share the gospel? Would I speak more rev'rently,

If I could see the Savior standing nigh, watching over me?

Rachel, you've made mistakes, but you can do better. You can be kinder, more loving, more empathetic, more patient, more long-suffering, more easy to be entreated, and more Christ-like. Lucky for you I've compiled some resources to help you for when you are having a tough day. You're very welcome.

1. Remember, you really do love love love your beautiful baby girl! I mean, look at this face!

2. You know that the words you say stay with you longer than anyone, for now, and your family can't spiritually afford to have you not at the top of your spiritual game as much as possible -- and improving what you say and how you say it is possible!

3. Here's a great talk about The Words We Speak and you could greatly benefit from reading it again.

4. Here are a couple great blog posts with reminders that unnecessary distractions are debilitating as a mom and when I yell at my kids when no one's around, my kids are around, and they're my most important audience!

5. You're not the only mom with this problem/concern. The latter mom in #4 made an entire blog with all sorts of helpful ideas and resources for your improving pleasure! Her story is inspiring, her challenge is frightening, and her list of alternatives to yelling is thought-provoking! You should spend some time beat-bopping around her website.

6. You can do this! You're kids are young, and everyday is pretty similar to the day before, so you are going to get BUCKETS of chances to make your mothering experience EXACTLY the one you want it to be! You're on the Lord's side on this one, and you can choose, every moment of everyday, to be the person He wants you to become.

Thanks for the pep talk! I needed that! Now since I'm not sure I'm ready to commit to 365 days of no yelling, I'm going to shoot for 1 week. Starting yesterday, because I did well and I need all the help I can get, for one week I am not going to yell at my kids...no matter what poopy mess and craziness awaits me. I can do this!!

I'll update you next Monday on how I did! Yay for making our homes and families what we want them to be!!

Parenting Principles from Potty-Training

Last week I started trying to potty train Alexa...again. See, I tried back in May for a day and a half and promptly gave up deciding between James being 2 months old and our moving plans, diapers would just be easier for a while longer.

So I began again, really going at it Wednesday with a half day of work on Tuesday. So far I have decided/learned a few things as a parent through this whole experience:

1. Potty training is the WORST!!

2. It's going to take Alexa more than a half a day or a week to really get it down, no matter how much prep or research I do, but I really hope less than 2.5 years like I've heard of it taking other kiddos.

3. You get what you deserve as a parent, I suppose...so over breakfast I bestowed "A Mother's Curse" upon Alexa to have an extremely strong-willed child when she becomes a mom. I maybe a bad mom now, but it made me feel a lot better!

4. Sometimes you have to stick to your guns and really drive a point home, like no biting, even when potty-training.

5. And sometimes you have to let things go and at 5 o' clock, after cleaning up way too many accidents, put the kiddo in a diaper, really laugh with your girl, go on a walk as a family, and just begin fresh tomorrow.

6. How quickly your child toilet trains is not a reflection of your ability to parent said child...I just need to repeat this to myself 80 times a day.

7. There are far more important things than potty-training, like getting your son sealed to you on Saturday. In the big scheme of things, this little challenge really doesn't matter at all -- assuming that I use it to shape mine and my daughter's character in the best way possible.

8. It's far more important what comes out of my mouth than what comes out of Alexa's bum...and where whatever comes out ends up.

And just to inspire us all this week, a couple quotes I really like!

(All these are pinned, with sources, on my Wordy Pinterest Board -- the embed feature was not working)

I Can't Be a Mom All By Myself

I can't be a mom all by myself.

That statement has many meanings, but this morning two come to mind.

First, I can't be a mom without my husband. Some women can do that, and I applaud them and their amazingness and capacity, but I cannot. These past few weeks as he works so hard finishing up his Ph.D. I have felt lonely in my trials (not alone because caring for two children one is never alone). However, his return home always lifts my heart and makes the long day I just had seem manageable again tomorrow -- even when that return is at 10pm. I can not be a mom without my husband.

Second, I would not be a mom today without two other moms who placed their children in our home and hearts. All three of us, together, create the vision of motherhood for our family. That realization is humbling and heart-breaking. The fact that I am physically unable to be the complete mothering package for my children is sad for me, but I wouldn't trade that heartache for anything because of the love that swells inside of me this morning for my babies and the women who created and love them just as much as I do. I can not be a mom without these women.

I am not the sole bearer of the title "Mother" in our family. In fact, I'm not even the first "Mother" for my kids. They were mothered and loved long before I even knew they existed. But even though there's heart-break that comes with infertility, I could not be happier about sharing this role with the two bravest and strongest women I know. What company I share when I have no right to share it -- no right at all! I am only here because of them, and my heart overflows with joy, love, gratitude, hope, peace, and happiness for the life I lead, no matter how hard some days are, because of my children's first mothers.

I can't be a mom all by myself, and I couldn't be happier about it! 

Alexa's REALLY Awesome Schedule

I did it! I've been wanting to do this for a long time now and I did it! YAY FOR ME!

Okay...what did I do?

Mothers of toddlers, I'm sure you've heard about all the benefits of having a schedule for your little one. Seriously, there are literally hundreds of articles, books, studies, opinions, etc. that you can find about how schedules improve behavior and make everyone's life easier. For me there was just one problem...

practically speaking I cannot do the same thing day after day in the same way 

at the same time!

I mean, whose life actually can be that way? Some days involve shopping, others involve trips to the library, others involve staying at home getting some cleaning done. Also, Alexa, being 2, is unpredictable from one day to the next. Last week she was a nightmare, this week she's like a totally different child. And some days she sleeps until 9am (rarely, but it happens), and other days she's up at 6:30am, which totally changes our plans for the morning. So sometimes breakfast is at 7am and sometimes it's at 9:30. And sometimes I need her to have nap at 12:00 and sometimes it can't happen until 2:30 (thank you 11:00 church)...you get the idea!

So, when I was reading all these articles, books, and studies, I'm thinking "uhhh, so how do I make a schedule for such an unpredictable creature?" It was very discouraging. After a while the thought occurred to me that "obviously, you need to have events and times in your schedule that can be moved around."

And so it became very clear what I needed to do: MAGNETS!

(poor lighting in the kitchen means you need to ignore the graininess of the pictures)

Everything from the times to each event to the day of the week and even the sun in the corner (I have varying weather pictures depending on what it looks like outside) are magnetic and rearranged daily. It's a great activity to do each morning with my 2-year old and a great resource for both of us to make sure we're not spending too much time in front of the TV or computer and that we're getting adequate amounts of play and work time each day.

Overall this project took me a few evenings, a couple hours at Kinko's, and about $15 for the laminating. Schedule events include the following items:

Blank Sheets for Writing in Special or Unpredictable Events

Bath Time                                Bedtime

Room Time                             Church

TV Time x2                             Swimming

James Time                             Potty Time x2

Playtime                                  Quiet Time

Lunch                                      Soccer

Shopping                                 Dance

Dinner                                     Crafts

Family Time                            Make Lunch

Breakfast                                 Make Dinner

Chores                                     Friends

Snack x2                                  Park

Reading                                   Outside

Clean-Up                                 Mom Time

Naptime                                   Library

Daddy Time

How exciting that we have this great tool and that it can grow with her. Here is a list (w/ links) to the Dingbat Fonts I used for the pictures (I also recently used them for a potty training chart I made, so I think they will continue to be very useful):

1. Pea Cookie’s Doodles, 2. Pea Delilah’s Doodles, 3. Pea Jokilyn Doodles, 4. Pea Shelley Belley’s Doodles, 5. Pea Stacy’s Doodles, 6. Pea Stacey’s New Doodles, 7. Pea The Bees in Love Doodles, 8. Pea Tisha’s Doodles, 9. Alfabilder, 10. Dingpartment Store, 11. ForKids, 12. Girl Characters, 13. Kawaii Food II, 14. LiveStyle, 15. PeaxWebdesignFreeIcons, 16. Scrapicons, 17. Tombats Three

Once again, yay for me (and you're welcome)! To see more things I plan on do-doing this summer, check out my list!

My "Do Do" List

If you read yesterday's post, you see that our family has A LOT going on, and so there's A LOT going on outside of our immediate family/vicinity that we simply cannot do. We've really had to learn to say "I'm so sorry, but I just can't" and "We really wish we could be there, but it's just not going to work out."

Seriously, it's been a bit of a drag.

That's why when my friend Megan reminded me that I have so many opportunities that are available to me and I need to take advantage of them! It's my responsibility to share this beautiful world with Alexa and James and to share them with the world everyday! How exciting! Yeah, there's things I can't do, but when I focus on the can-do's instead of the can't-do's I am so much happier, and surprisingly, those around me are happier, too!

Like Jack Donaghey said, "[The world] is made by those who do do . . . I do do."

With that in mind, here is My "Do Do" List to be completed by the end of August 2013 (some items crossover onto my 101 in 1001 List)!

• Make/Print/Laminate/Post a Really Awesome Schedule for Alexa
• Help Nick Graduate
• Move to New Mexico
• Have a “See Ya Later” Grilled Cheese Party with All Our Colorado Friends
• Stay Up Late Watching Old Movies with Nick
• Finish Reading 15 Books
• Read with Alexa Everyday
• Post on Blog Weekly
• Update the Blog’s Layout
• Leave Uplifting Notes Around Town
• Hang Out with Cousins before We Both Move
• Go to Library Weekly
• Attend City Carnival in June and July
• Make Small, Cute Going Away Gifts for My Friends
• Identify 101 Things that Make Me Smile and Photograph Them
• Be 100% Positive in All I Say for a Week
• Turn a Good Deed Daily for a Stranger for a Week
• Buy Flowers for Myself (and a friend) for No Reason
• Figure Out a Way to Exercise with 2 Kids
• Host a Game Night
• Ambush Nick with Water Balloons (you’ve been warned...)
• Take Nick to that One Indian Restaurant
• Go to that One Ice Cream Place in Louisville
• Play in Shaving Cream with Alexa
• Make a Sign to Welcome Suzy to Colorado from Her Mission
• Do Something Special for My Parents’ Birthdays While They’re in Town
• Make and Eat Jello Jigglers
• Visit a New Park
• Rediscover the Joy in Photography
• Get a Pedicure

While We Were Out...

Hi All! You may or may not have noticed I've taken a bit of a hiatus from blogging for a while, but all that's about to change. James is now 9.5 weeks old and I am starting to figure out how to be a mom and wife without sleep and with 2 kids. Every time I've sat down to post recently I just got this nagging feeling that I should focus on my screaming kids instead of the blog.

So, here is my super lame post about things I should have posted more in depth about during the last couple months:

1. Nick fake graduated and got a 3-year post-doctorate position at Los Alamos National Labratory in Los Alamos New Mexico!

2. Nick will really graduate in August and defend his thesis after which we'll be moving to Los Alamos!

3. We planted our garden! This year it's peppers, strawberries, and onions.

4. James turned two months old! HOLY COW! He weighs 9 lbs. 6 oz., and is a happy and healthy little boy.

 
5. Alexa still really loves James, nearly to his death a few times, but it's all good natured and no one has been permanently damaged...we think.

6. I have some catching up to do but I'm sticking with my goal of reading 50 books this year! I'm about 40-60% through about 5 books right now, so it's not over yet!

7. Nick went to France back in April leaving me at home with a 3 week old and a 2-year old for 8 days!

 The obligatory "Just in Case You Die" photo

8. The loneliness wasn't too bad though because my sister, Cindy, came out to visit for a few days. We had such a great time!

9. I finished my recreational women's soccer league last Friday and dominated the game by scoring 2/4 goals for our team. I'm really going to miss those ladies!


I'm really sure there are more posts I meant to do, but please, for now, consider me caught up and I'll fill you in on a need-to-know basis! 

Got a post already for tomorrow, so I'm serious this time that I'm back in the blogging world! Woot woot!

My Arms and Heart Are Full!

Recently I have found my arms to be very full. Most recently that happened in church today when Nick was asked to sit on the stand to leave me with my two beautiful babies.

That's right readers, two!

James Robert Nelson, born 3/17/13 -- he's our lucky little leprechaun

I am very much aware I haven't posted in a couple weeks, but that's because, like I said, my arms have been a little full. I'll give more details about my beautiful new family (including our beautiful new birthmom) tomorrow and later this week, but on this Easter Sunday, my thoughts are focused more so on my Savior.

My arms have been full of children mostly (along with bottles, burp cloths, and oh, so many diapers!). Because of this I wish I could always have a floating camera and photographer at the ready because I would have them take pictures of us instead of me unloading all my goods and try to finagle a sweet picture of a now lost moment.

For example, I would get a picture of James in my left arm and Alexa cuddled under my right arm as we all snuggle on the couch together. I would have gotten a picture of us in church today when Alexa laid her head on my left leg and I was holding James in my right arm. Thinking about how my Lord and Savior has immeasurably blessed my life while holding my little angels in my arms has been my favorite part of this Easter Day.

I always tell people that I've had a hard time imagining myself as a mom of two in the past because...I don't know, I guess imagining one child was fairly easy. I just assumed I would always have one child because it was so important to me. What I've discovered today is that vision of my life with two kids was always difficult to imagine because I thought it was a bit presumptuous, after all I've already been given, to ask God for a child, and then downright selfish to ask for another when so many people I know would give all they have for just one child.

I'm so glad (and moved to tears) that God is merciful enough to grant us the desires of our hearts even when we have done absolutely nothing to deserve it. Additionally, He will comfort us through the power of the infinite atonement as we wait for the tears to drop from our eyes so that we are able to see the hand of God, ever present, in our lives. How patient and merciful He is with us, and how willing He is to bless us with more than we would ever dream of asking for!

 Happy Easter from the Nelson Family, all 4 of us!

Truly, my arms and my heart are full today!

Happy Birthday My Beautiful 2-Year Old!

Yesterday was Alexa's birthday and it was such a wonderful day! We started out opening a couple presents...

Then we had birthday pancakes...

Then we went to Barnes and Noble to find an interesting book...

Then we had lunch at Panera Bread...

Then we visited Daddy at work...

Then we took a nap (while mommy made dinner and birthday cake-brownies-thing and stopped taking pictures)...

Then we played in the sink water and got soaking wet...

Then we had dinner with the missionaries consisting of some enchiladas, some beans, some rice, and A LOT of sour cream...

And then just before bed we finished off the party by video chatting with grandparents in our princess dress.

BEST. 2ND. BIRTHDAY. EVER.
 
(You may notice she's wearing a few different shirts. We changed clothes a total of three times and wore four different outfits. Princesses are pretty high maintenance...what did you expect?)

Christmas Stockings Unveiled

I know you all have been anxiously anticipating the unveiling of our family's homemade Christmas stockings, I know I have!

I do fear that I may have built them up maybe more than they should be...but here goes nothing!

The pictures are definitely a bit wanting in their...greatness...but let me tell you a bit more about these stockings. The blue one on the left is Nick's, the one with the red is mine, the one with the bow is Alexa's, and the last one that looks terribly out of place is Jesus'. The one for The Sneetch is still floating around in my head, hopefully soon to be an actual physical stocking, although I'm debating making a girly one and a boyish one or just a neutral one. My brain has definitely been stretched a bit on this project.

Each of the stockings (aside from Jesus') have three things in common: their shape, that patterned fabric which also matches our homemade tree skirt that I put together last year (pictures to come), and the guiding hand of my friend Lorayne. She's the angel who painstakingly responded to panicked calls/texts/emails when things seemed impossibly desperate and I needed a wise and experienced hand to hold my metaphorical one as I learned how to sew and do this project at the same time. I love her so much -- she is a saint!

Here are some details: Nick's stocking is a fake, but still very elegant, satin fabric. I want our stockings to reflect something that the person would pick out for themselves (as best as I can make them anyway), so I wanted Nick's to be (a) blue, (b) simple/not too cutesy, and (c) classy. His cuff is just appliqued to the front of the stocking, and his was probably the easiest to make.

My stocking is, I admit, my favorite, and was the first one I did with Lorayne watching my every move. I knew what I wanted from the moment I got the fabric, so this was the easiest to plan out and execute. The red details are just appliqued to the front using the same method as Nick's stocking, aside from the rosette and the button which are very delicately hot glued to the stocking. Awesome, I know!

Alexa's stocking is an off-white fleece with a beautiful clearance sheer overlay fabric on the front. Hers is the one I'm least satisfied with because I feel like the bow looks out of place and I don't really know what to do about it. I'd add tails if I knew how to make them look like they were attached to the bow and didn't think they would cover the sheer fabric's pattern too much. Oh well, I've got time to think about it still.

Jesus' stocking was actually originally Alexa's stocking, but when it was mostly done I couldn't figure out a way to incorporate the patterned fabric into it. So I was at a friend's house and her family had a stocking for Jesus that they could put in behaviors to change or actual gifts to give to others each year as a gift to Jesus. I loved that idea and almost immediately realized that was the solution! This stocking will probably not hang over the fireplace with care with the rest of the stockings, but instead in some special place where we can remember the true meaning of Christmas easier.

So there they are! To maintain their niceness I'm unfortunately going to have to be a little Nazi-ish with our kids and their grubby little fingers as these can't go through the wash. Nick told me that his mom would line the interior of their stockings with bread bags and then the kids could pull out their bags and return their stockings safely/cleanly to their hanging spot. We'll definitely be doing that!

When I make The Sneetch's stocking I think I'll take pictures along the way to show you how I made them and make a little tutorial post. It's probably nothing groundbreaking, but maybe helpful if this is something you'd like to do! Merry Christmas!

C'mon Next Little Miracle! Mommy Misses You!

I admit it, right now, at this very moment, my heart is sad. I love Alexa more than I can say and I am completely in love with Nicholas and cannot express how much meaning and light he brings into my life.

But right now I am really missing our next little miracle. I want to make him/her a little stocking for Christmas and fill it with wonderful little Bambino goodies! I want to hold our little Sneetch and cuddle with him/her with one hand and type a completely different post right now with my other hand.

I want Alexa to love and dote upon her little sibling. She is going to be SUCH a good sister...and a little ornery for sure, but that's to be expected.

I want Nick to have a little boy buddy or to be swarmed in a house full of girls! He is SUCH a wonderful father and any child would be so blessed to have him as their Dad-dad!

Recently when a friend has shared their happy pregnancy news or even their happy adoption news (which I usually get more excited about, even when my heart is hurting a bit), I still feel happy, but then an immediate aching begins. My heart gets so confused at those moments.

I know we've only been approved for the second time since August, but I can't tell you how many times I have wished that the unknown number on my phone was a potential birthmom. Really, it's every time. I know we are probably only at the very beginning of our journey to our little Sneetch and we have a long way to go, but that knowledge does not help me temper my emotions at all.

In fact, none of the blessings I have mentioned help ease the aching or homesick feeling I get when all I want are my babies to be with me. I can wait until it's right, but I wish that the right time comes very soon...and that wish and the thoughts and feelings that accompany it make my heart ache so much!

I think I thought this go around would be easier, just because we've done it before and are used to wanting our children with us. We're infertility veterans, so I just assumed I'd be able to deal with this aching better over time. I suppose in some ways it definitely is easier because I know adoption works and that is extremely comforting. I don't want to discount how much I trust the adoption process and the Lord's timing in putting our family together and how much easier that knowledge makes this adoption experience easier.

It's also easier because Alexa is here and being a Mom at all is such a blessing...one I wasn't sure I'd have during the first time adopting. How grateful I am to be a Mom!

But the heartaches are not easier, and the longing for my babies who aren't here is not easier. And the increased longing I feel around the holidays is not easier.

So this rambling post is just a plea to the world wide web...because where else can I make this plea that makes anymore sense? My plea is this:

Hey next little Miracle, our little Sneetch! Please come to our family soon! Your Mommy misses you and wants you home! And bring your birth-family with you, because we miss them, too! I love you more than I even know or can understand, and so does your Dad-dad and sister! See you soon, kiddo!

My Thoughts on Teen/Single Moms

Remember that one time before Alexa (I barely do sometimes...) that I was working? Well, I was, and I worked for this non-profit in Denver that helped run an alternative high school for teen moms. Maybe you've heard of it: Florence Crittenton High School? Ring any bells?

Well, if it does ring any bells, it might be because that high school is now the subject of the new TLC show High School Moms. I haven't been able to watch any episodes yet, but I've seen clips and interviews and mostly the school looks just as incredible on TV as it does in real life.

While I was working there, seeing all these pregnant or parenting teen moms, and at that time very much wanting my own children in my family, the question I got most often was "Is it really hard working there?"

I don't know this student, but I know the nurse and she is one of the most fabulous people ever met!

I must admit that some days/situations were harder to bare than others, but mostly I found so much unexpected love, admiration, respect, and joy for those moms and their children! I was planning on going in there, doing my data analysis work, and going home. The problem with that plan was that as I spoke with the students and learned of their love and dedication to their children and families that it was so easy to fall in love with them and their children! My whole experience there made it possible for me to let go of my jealousy and envy and anger towards single moms who choose to parent and embrace them as loving mothers, just like me.

My sister was a teen mom and parented her daughter (Abby), and is now a wonderful mother to her three children. She is married to her children's father, and they have created a wonderful family together of which I admire and strive to emulate on a regular basis.

 Me, my niece Abby, and my Sister Cindy after a trip to the mall.

I hold no resentment towards teen moms or single moms, like Hayley, who choose to parent their children instead of placing them for adoption. They're not preventing me from parenting my own children, they're just loving theirs. How can I be angry when their biggest crime is that they love their children too much to let them go? My only hope is that I can help them through their challenges as a mother, as I hope they can also help me through mine. Lord knows my life has been immeasurably blessed by teen/single moms, and I am so grateful for those moms who have shown me so much of what being a loving mom is all about.

***Disclaimer: Alexa's birthmom does not fit that single or teen mom description at all, so I maintain that my admiration for teen/single mom's is unbiased and extremely reliable. I have not been compensated for this post, nor will I be because, honestly, no one is willing to pay me for it.*** 

Bigger Than My Body

I revamped my personal Chore Chart this weekend because things weren't completely getting done with my old way of doing things. So, I re-evaluated what I was asking myself to do each day. Monday was the first day of it and I admit I got almost everything done that I wanted to do, but I had this epiphany Monday night (and an inkling here and there previous to then): there will never be enough time in the day for all the good things I want to do.

It's a bold revelation, I know.

 And you wonder why I don't get as much done as I'd like...

 Answer: stools and cream cheese frosting.

I know all you long-time stay-at-home moms out there are just totally rolling your eyes at me right now, but I thought that somehow, by adjusting this thing or that, at the end of the day I would be able to say "Yes! I've done it all!" Well, reality keeps on slapping me in the face with the fact that my heart is always going to want to stretch my body further than it is capable.

My realization though, as of late, is I don't think that feeling has to be as frustrating as I originally thought it should be. Allow Michaelangelo to explain with the following two quotes:

"Lord, grant that I may always desire more than I can accomplish."

 "The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark."

It seems to me that Michaelangelo realized that our hearts should be stretching our bodies to try to do far more than they are capable. That is a good thing! In fact, I would venture to say that is a great thing! We should be filling up our days with interests, adventures, and most of all service opportunities that have far more demands on our physical bodies than we can accommodate.

Ultimately my situation has not changed since last Monday, nor will it change for a long time coming. What has changed, however, is my perspective, and I'm really okay with being, as John Mayer put it, Bigger Than My Body.

Love Grows!

When Alexa woke up from her nap yesterday just a couple hours into the whole ordeal, she was just crying and crying and I decided to go in and see if I couldn't soothe her back to sleep.

I just held her and rocked with her.

I did this for 1 hour and 20 minutes. That wasn't expected, but very welcomed.

While I was holding and reading Peter Pan to her I got to thinking: "it's not fair that I will not get to do this with our other kids." The more kids we add to our family the more my time has to be divided between each of them. I desperately want my babies with me, but it's just not fair that they won't get as much of me as I want to give or feel like I they deserve to have.

And so I held Alexa a bit tighter.

I may have shed a little tear, mourning for the pending craziness of my future life where I won't be able to take up my child for 80 minutes and just hold him/her. By ourselves. Without interruption.  Just one more gesture that I could make to help them know how much I love them.

I was saddened by that thought and then this idea scurried across my mind for just a moment: "I'm pretty sure I can be happy as a mom of just one beautiful baby girl, and then she can have all my attention, and all my love."

But just at that moment, this musing entered my mind: "Love Grows."

Time may not be able to be justly divided between everything and everyone I love, but that thought gave me hope. The pounding in my chest as I feel my heart pump out love for my daughter and husband will only get more powerful with every new addition to our family. The joy I feel each day as my daughter embraces me with a tight neck-hug or a slobbery open-mouth cheek-kiss will only widen and deepen with every child that comes into our home.

My mourning turned into songs of rejoicing once I realized that even though nearly everything in this world we experience is finite in expanse and scope, love is the one exception. It grows and grows and grows until your heart feels like it may not be able to contain all the love that is growing up inside it and is then poured out from overflowing cups of love and joy as little drops of tears from one's eye.

There is no need to fear the impossible list of future responsibilities and tasks that will surely unjustly steal away those precious moments I wish I could have with each of my children when I know that God has given us such an incredible gift. He gave us the capability to experience and share love with one another. And then, as if that wasn't enough, we get to grow right along with love and are able to watch love grow and develop into a starry night of infinite beauty and possibilities filled with relationships of our families and dear friends. 

I so gratefully praise the Lord that love grows!

Mourning My Fertile Life

I think this is the third time I've started this post, because I've had the feelings and thoughts but have been unsure how to form them coherently.

That was until I watched this video (again) and realized that sometimes I, like NieNie, mourn for the loss of the woman I thought I was going to become. By now I thought I was going to be a young mom with 4 kids under the age of 6 with one on the way and planning on having at least 2-3 more. I wanted to have that beautiful family of young children causing raucous during church with my hair frazzled and exhausted at days end because I had worked so hard at being a pregnant mom trying to wrangle my small but growing family. That woman I imagined had been bred for motherhood glory, endowed with child-bearing hips and so many babysitting opportunities in her youth it would make anyone's head spin! She was everything every other mom looked to as a pillar of strength because she fulfilled all her responsibilities with her young family and still served others willingly and faithfully and kept her home cute and beautiful. Her life was far too perfect to be actually real for anyone to be living. It was unrealistic, sure, but in some sense plausible.

Occasionally, more often as we go through adoption paperwork, I mourn over the loss of that once idealistic scenario of mine. That picture in my head of that woman I thought I would become fades with every passing day that I am not pregnant or not adopting another child. I do--I really mourn that woman because I know she will never exist. At least not how I pictured her...not how I pictured myself and my life and my family. Many tears have been shed over her, and many more are still to come, I'm certain of that.

I am already 25, almost 26, and have only one baby and there are currently 4 exposed nails pounded into my walls where frames have been removed and nothing has replaced them. The mother and homemaker at one time I thought I would be at this point is a fantasy, and sometimes when I linger on that fantasy I forget about the fantastical life I do have.

My husband is a wonderful provider, financially, spiritually, emotionally, et cetera-ly for our family. He loves me and we just celebrated a wonderful 6th anniversary together this past Saturday.

My daughter is a miracle in our family placed with us for time and eternity by two wonderfully amazing parents who love her as much as Nick and I do. Not many parents have people in their children's lives that love their children as much as they do, but our children do/will.

I had the opportunity to get an advanced education where learned so many fascinating things, but mostly that I am capable of doing things I never thought I could. In that vision I had of myself in the past, I never ever was doing data analysis and really enjoying my work. That wasn't my "area" of skill or interest.

I think perhaps the thing I am most grateful for that I could not have ever guessed as a younger woman was that I would eventually be so incredibly grateful for the trial of infertility as much I am today. How could I have known that the experiences related to my greatest trial (so far) would shape my faith and the way I serve others and the compassion I have for others and the love I have for my husband and daughter so abundantly that I can't imagine my life without those experiences? And why would I want to?

I  have such a wonderful life and I am blessed everyday to be living in it! Sometimes thoughts of that once-fantasy life creeps in my mind and I once again take a moment to mourn the loss of that young mother who has it all and can grow her family whenever she wants. Sure those thoughts come, and I honestly don't want those thoughts to ever go away completely. While the specifics can't be as I thought they would be, the happy home and family I imagined certainly can be. That vision, while different, is a lot closer and more attainable than I sometimes think it is. And those visions I receive of that version of me who has "it all" keeps me striving for "it all" (as much as I can control) in my current circumstance.

And even if I never have another child, or a dog, or a home that is the envy of the neighborhood, I still have such a beautiful life! And I am grateful for it everyday!

I honestly wouldn't change a thing...except for maybe those exposed nails on the wall. Something must be done there. 

Dreaming and Doing

I have spent more time than I should have in the past few days dreaming instead of doing. Does that ever happen to you? You dream so much and your dreams seem so nice that actually being productive in reality gets in the way. Mostly I've been feeling that all my dreams can't come to fruition right now due to any number of reasons: it's impractical, there's not enough money, there's one too many kids to get things done, there's too many cysts on my ovaries. You get the idea.

Am I the only one that ever feels this way? A bit limited by my circumstances; like my dreams are too big for me to actually do anything about? (For example, I spent a precious naptime on a website last week creating my dream house. I only got through the first floor before I realized what an incredible waste of time the "project" was.)

(Looks cool though right?)

One of my favorite speakers gave me a nice counterpoint on the matter:

"Everyone can create. You don’t need money, position, or influence in order to create something of substance or beauty. Creation brings deep satisfaction and fulfillment. We develop ourselves and others when we take unorganized matter into our hands and mold it into something of beauty...What you create doesn’t have to be perfect. So what if the eggs are greasy or the toast is burned? Don’t let fear of failure discourage you. Don’t let the voice of critics paralyze you—whether that voice comes from the outside or the inside."

I nearly let my own interior critic stop me from making a new meal I had never done before. It was so simple, but because I didn't know one step in the process I didn't actually make it for weeks. On Tuesday I did it! No, it wasn't perfect, but I did it, and sometimes that's the hardest part. The same fear (no surprise it was another cooking ambition) overcame me on April 1st until Nick said "it seems like you are trying to come up with every excuse not to make these. Either do it or don't and move on."

Ya know what? The cinnamon rolls turned out delicious and we ended up taking some to a new family in the area. The question at hand is then, why do I let this inner-naysayer make so many decisions for me, and paralyze me in such a crippling way? Someone once told me to never take advice from your fears. For some that's easy, but it is a constant battle for me to just start something, especially if I haven't done it before.

That same favorite speaker of mine, in a different discourse, said this:

"Let’s make sure to set our 'do it' switch always to the 'now' position!"

Today I am going to do that. I am not going to waste precious time thinking of what could be instead of creating what could be. No, I can't do everything that my clever mind concocts, but there's a lot more I can do as I set out with my "do it switch" in the "now position."

There's a lot more I find can be done, despite my circumstances, when I spend less time dreaming and more time doing.

My Wonderful, Destructive Life

Can I just say, having a toddler is WAY different and WAY harder than having a baby. Alexa isn't even walking yet and she is just on a path of destruction through our house all the time!

Very cute destruction, but destruction nonetheless.

Seriously, she has broken so many things of mine (camera lens, phone charger, and jump rope to name a few), my pants are constantly dirtied with graham cracker/other food remnants, and pulling things out then crawling away without playing with them at all is still one of her favorite activities.

Just to be clear though, I'm not complaining, not even a little bit. If anything I'm praising my little destructive rugrat. She, in all her craziness, is allowing me to do what I've always wanted to do, and that's be a mom. Most of the time that means I have to make hard choices in how I spend my precious free time (which means blogging has taken a back seat), but I think the best problem in the whole world is that I have too many great ways to spend my time!

Sure, we've been having problems (totally had a Mommy meltdown last week-ish). Yeah she's been working on getting four molars in, and we've been transitioning her naps from two-a-day to one-a-day, and all that has been hard for everyone. However, I truly would not trade our worst days for anyone else's best days.

And why would I? I have such a wonderful life filled with such wonderful moments! Not the least of which is when Alexa presses her face against the glass on the entertainment center. I really can't get enough of this picture!

Happy Wednesday!