What to Respect When NOT Expecting

I saw this post on The R House today and I can't get enough of what a crazy good idea this is!

What to Respect when NOT Expecting is an organization with two main goals: "to give those going through fertility challenges an assurance that there are people out there who get it, and to give friends and relatives of people going through it a gauge on what not to say.”"

You may or may not be aware of this, but the organization I've been heavily involved in, Families Supporting Adoption, is drastically reducing the scope of it's impact and purpose. Essentially it no longer exists aside from a few sporadically hosted events and a fireside or two. Ever since finding out about this development I have wanted to create a safe place for families struggling with infertility to come and grieve together, and I still do, but this organization fulfills in part some of that goal! 

I really hope you understand what a community like this means to those who are struggling very openly or very secretly with infertility and find some way to support this cause!

And just for the sake of sharing, I have had multiple elderly women suggest we leave church and go home and have sex right then so as to "not waste anymore time." And last night in book club someone talking about adoption referenced "giving up" and "real parents," two terms that always make me cringe.

PS I will be updating the blog this week, so we will no longer be "hoping to adopt." Sorry about the delay on that!

Better than Blood

Shilo, James, and Me

This was our weekend: loving on and celebrating my beautiful boy! More pictures to come, but this is my favorite from Sunday morning just before James' blessing in church.

A day after he was sealed to our family forever.

I love every piece of our unique little family, especially the non-biological pieces. Family is so much bigger than blood or genetics, and I understand that a little bit better after this weekend.

September 20th

2011:

2013:

Alexa was legally ours in 2011 on September 20th and eternally ours October 8th.

James was legally ours in 2013 on September 20th and will be eternally ours October 12th.
 

I love this time of year when we will forever celebrate our family coming together!! 

I Can't Be a Mom All By Myself

I can't be a mom all by myself.

That statement has many meanings, but this morning two come to mind.

First, I can't be a mom without my husband. Some women can do that, and I applaud them and their amazingness and capacity, but I cannot. These past few weeks as he works so hard finishing up his Ph.D. I have felt lonely in my trials (not alone because caring for two children one is never alone). However, his return home always lifts my heart and makes the long day I just had seem manageable again tomorrow -- even when that return is at 10pm. I can not be a mom without my husband.

Second, I would not be a mom today without two other moms who placed their children in our home and hearts. All three of us, together, create the vision of motherhood for our family. That realization is humbling and heart-breaking. The fact that I am physically unable to be the complete mothering package for my children is sad for me, but I wouldn't trade that heartache for anything because of the love that swells inside of me this morning for my babies and the women who created and love them just as much as I do. I can not be a mom without these women.

I am not the sole bearer of the title "Mother" in our family. In fact, I'm not even the first "Mother" for my kids. They were mothered and loved long before I even knew they existed. But even though there's heart-break that comes with infertility, I could not be happier about sharing this role with the two bravest and strongest women I know. What company I share when I have no right to share it -- no right at all! I am only here because of them, and my heart overflows with joy, love, gratitude, hope, peace, and happiness for the life I lead, no matter how hard some days are, because of my children's first mothers.

I can't be a mom all by myself, and I couldn't be happier about it! 

Book Review: Another Forgotten Child

Another Forgotten Child by Cathy Glass

A while back Nick and I were contacted by TLC Book Tours who are promoting this book about foster care and adoption. I was so excited to be invited to share my thoughts, as an adoptive mom, with such a wide audience. I hope Nick's commentary yesterday and my thoughts today are helpful to those considering learning more about the adoption world through this book.

Before I begin my review, Cathy Glass is the pseudonym for an actual British Foster Carer who has written many books about the children she has brought into her home, of course all names have been changed. The stories she tells are real, and she also has a couple parenting books out. Here is her author's page on Amazon and just below is the book trailer.

This genre of book is right up my alley with the intense and disturbing nature of the story. If I had to choose my favorite book it would be "The Glass Castle" by Jeannette Walls, another extremely sad and heart-wrenching story about children who were somehow missed by the system designed to protect them. So when we were approached to read the book I was very excited just because I love reading these types of stories! 

Let's begin with the good stuff! Aimee, the foster child, comes into Cathy Glass' home from a deeply disturbing and dark place with her mother as a severe drug addict. Aimee did not attend school regularly, she didn't know how to bathe or brush her teeth or even change her clothes, and she had bruises all over her body, which we learn is only the beginning of the abuse she endured. For me, Aimee is the books redeeming quality. She was ill-mannered, sassy, and downright rude, but she also loved and desired love so much that it was impossible not to love her. Things she said penetrated my heart deeply because of their simplicity and honesty. For example, (and I hate to give anything away here, but this was one of my favorite parts), at one point Aimee said

"Aimee gave my hand a little squeeze before she said, 'I'm lucky. Two families want me now as their daughter. Before no one did.'"

(Nearly brought me to tears reading that. No child should ever feel unwanted.)

Aimee's demeanor throughout the book was where Glass' writing really came to life for me and made me want to finish it despite my issues with Glass' writing style. When she wasn't directly talking about Aimee I found her writing distracting from the story I thought she should be telling. Additionally, Glass seemed to be talking to me as if she was talking to a child. As I read I kept on feeling like "okay, I get it. You made your point. Let's move on. You already said that a few pages ago." For example in the beginning she mentions a number of times that Aimee's unusual behavior was typical for children coming from similar situations, which wouldn't have been a big deal except she said it multiple times in the same chapter in regards to the same behavior, like Aimee's rejecting to use a knife and fork because her mom had never taught her how to use them. Her writing at times seemed very pandering and pedantic and it really bothered me, especially as I'm a bit familiar with the adoption/foster world.

Also, Glass really thinks a lot of herself as a foster carer. She must have casually put into the first few chapters a half a dozen times that she's cared for "over 100 children" and so she knew exactly how to handle such a challenging situation. Comments like that just came off as haughty and annoying and made me not care as much about Cathy or her viewpoints. It was also very demeaning to me as a reader when she had to justify her actions by telling me again and again about her extensive experience and expertise. At one point she even says, after someone did something in a way she wouldn't have done, "always the accommodating foster carer." Uhhh, humble much, Cathy?

Finally, at some points Glass would go on and on about details I found neither interesting or helpful. Towards the end of the book she belabored the point that the social service system is inefficient, which she's already explained a number of times, and then goes on for 3 paragraphs about how a meeting got started 35 minutes late because they couldn't find a room to use because no one had scheduled one. Seriously, I just summarized two pages of text into one sentence. Most of the time it wasn't like that, but occasionally I just found myself wondering what I was reading and why I was reading it.

Overall, the story was good enough and Aimee was real enough that I wanted to finish the book despite my issues with Glass' writing style. After reading the book I find myself hoping to foster care in the future, but not anymore than I had hoped to before reading and not necessarily because of anything that was said specifically. It was just a real story about foster caring in the UK that I would definitely recommend to friends who want to read such a story.

★ ★ ★ ☆ ☆

Disclosure: even though we received the book for free from the publisher, our opinions are our own.

Nick's Book Review: Another Forgotten Child

In most stories, we're used to having a hero and a villain. When I started reading Another Forgotten Child by Cathy Glass, I was pretty sure I had the hero and the villain figured out. Cathy, a foster parent to over 100 children who takes in 8 year-old Aimee, was the hero and Susan, Aimee's biological mother, was the villain. Aimee was taken into foster care as victim of severe neglect - when she shows up at Cathy's home she is filthy, defiant, covered in lice, and far behind developmentally in many respects. Susan is menacing to Cathy, extremely unhelpful in Aimee's new situation, addicted to heroin, and sinks to leveling false accusations of sexual abuse at one of Cathy's biological children. The only real question in my mind through the first several chapters was whether the social workers who had left Aimee in that situation for eight years were going to be lumped into the villain side of the equation.

If there is one overriding adjective that describes this book, it is real. The story has all of the random details and chaotic sequences of events that made me absolutely sure it was not a work of fiction. Reality does not follow streamlined plots and so this book's narrative was anything but predictable. As I read deeper into the book, I shouldn't have been surprised that my search for heroes and villains became more complicated. With the exception of Cathy and her family (and I can hardly blame the writer for seeing herself and her family through rose-colored glasses), all of the book's characters defy easy sorting into the hero and villain categories. By the end of the book even Susan becomes as much a failed hero as a villain. In reality, we are all a mix of good and evil acts and the reality of this story highlights that complicated union of love and abuse, neglect and care, concern and apathy that we all find in varying degrees in everyone we come to know well.

The book is a good read although I will complain slightly about the language. Cathy is from England and so uses vocabulary that can be somewhat unfamiliar (although nothing a quick Google search can't explain). It's somewhat confusing to read about "A-levels", for example, which are never explained. There are a few obvious typos - a police officer's name switches between Vicky and Nicky at one point. Overall I liked the pacing and style of the writing and it wasn't ever laborious to read.

My biggest complaint about this book is that it is simply one account of a foster parent and an abused child. If you were under the illusion that there are no neglected and abused children out there, this will be a real eye-opener, but I'm guessing almost everyone will go into this book very aware of the terrible things children endure even in so-called developed nations. Instead of being a systematic study or a call to action, this is simply one more anecdote about the abuse one child faced and the miracles that one set of foster and adoptive parents worked. Cathy occasionally complains about "the system" but doesn't offer any suggestions on how to fix it.

Bottom line: this is a gut-wrenching account of one foster parent saving a little girl from horrific abuse and neglect. If that sounds like something you'd enjoy, this is your book. I, on the other hand, can't say I enjoyed it so much as I appreciated its commitment to a realistic portrayal. Borrowing from Rachel's star system, I give it

★ ★ ★ ☆ ☆

2013 Colorado-Wyoming Area Conference

Myself and the rest of the Colorado FSA Board have been working so hard for the past 6-months planning the conference that is happening in two-months! Holy Cow!

Date and Time: May 11, 2013 from 8:00 AM - 4:30 PM (lunch and snacks provided)

Location: 950 Laredo St Aurora, CO 80011 (LDS Church Building)

Babysitting: As always, babysitting will be provided on-site for a small fee

Classes: We'll be having classes taught by experts in their fields covering topics of foster care, special needs adoption, transracial adoption, infertility, birth-parenting, healing after loss, open adoption, and as always, the birth-parent perspective.

Every year I have helped plan this event I always have the worst time trying to figure out which classes I'm going to attend and get so excited to get together with all my adoption friends and family! We hope to see so many of you there!!

Here are some great memories from last year's conference:

Music Monday

"What's Mine Is Yours," Katherine Nelson

I have listened to this song dozens of times since first hearing it. I don't feel like there's a lot to say other than we are so grateful for our children's birth parents who are very much aware that children are not ours, but God's.

Thank you Ray, Melissa, and The Sneetch's birth family in particular! You have, do, and will bless our family's life in ways none of us can begin to imagine! We love you all!

The Luxury of Adoption

I have an acquaintance who just announced she's having twins, a boy and a girl. We have another friend who had twin girls last year.

At one time I really wanted that, (as a kid I said I always wanted "twin boys and an older sister") and now I think it's highly unlikely that will ever happen. Or at least it probably won't happen in the way I thought it would. But like many things when your a kid, you get a little older and realize that's not what you really want at all.

When I envision my future family, instead of blonde/brown haired children with similar genetic patterns, I think I now picture something that looks a little more like this family, The Dennehys (YOU NEED TO FOLLOW THAT LINK!!).

Favorite quote from the video: "We're such victims of our culture because our culture tells us your kids have to look perfect and be in all the perfect schools and you can't do that with a big family, but if you just concentrate on what's important the rest will follow."

I was talking with my Mother-in-Law the other day and telling her how privileged I feel to be able to look at children in need of a home and family and immediately think "Is there something I can do?" instead of families who are strictly biological who may not have that luxury of thinking that way.

I call it a luxury very intentionally. I do not mean to say that I am a Saint for adopting the one child I have adopted, but I do know of the luxurious feeling I have when I think of what my family will be like someday. The essence of the lap of luxury is love, and that's what adoption is!

Adopting is not about us giving a loving home and family to children, it's about our children receiving a loving home and family and life that they may not have otherwise have had. Adoption was never about Nick or me, it has always been about our kids.

Alright Sneetch, please come soon so we can take the next step on this road to our family together! We're so excited to meet you, and seeing families like The Dennehy's make us all the more excited! Love ya, kido!

(If you want to learn more about The Dennehy's, you can YouTube them or follow this link where the dad talks about how they got each one of their kids.)

Why I Hate Cancer (Reason #3,872)

Subtitle: Why I Love Open Adoption (Reason #1,590)

Back in August we got to meet for the first time Melissa's mom, Alexa's birth-grandma. On Saturday we got to see Alexa's birth-grandpa, Ray's dad, for the first time since nearly two-years ago.

 

The only picture we have of Alexa and Ray's dad when she was born.

He was at the hospital when Alexa was born, but lives in Las Vegas so we haven't seen him since. Recently he's moved to Denver because, well, he has cancer.

Alexa with 3 of the most important men in her life.

He has Stage 4 Brain Cancer that has moved into his esophagus making it difficult to eat. So after visiting for a while on Saturday, we went to Fazoli's because they serve soup and that goes down pretty easily. While sitting there he talked with me about his ambitions.

Nick and Alexa playing with Ray and Melissa's cat, Simon.

"I'm going to run again. I have to get strong so I can run again." As long as I live, I don't think I'll ever forget those words. Here's a few reasons why...

Ray's dad is short, has a small frame, has olive skin, is bald, wears glasses, runs (a lot), served in the military, and is very happy quietly watching his family grow.

My dad is short, has a small frame, has olive skin, is bald, wears glasses, runs (a lot), served in the military, and is very happy quietly watching his family grow.

I kid you not, their similarities are uncanny! When I was listening to him speak about how he was going to work hard so he could run and be strong again it was like listening to my own father speak about overcoming cancer if he were ever plagued with that illness.

Some people may call this a coincidence, but I don't believe for a second that Alexa has two grandfather's that share so many wonderful qualities. What a blessed little girl she is! How blessed we all are!

As a beautiful gesture, on Saturday Ray and his father presented Alexa with all of her grandfather's war medals from when he served in Vietnam.

Our hearts overflowed with gratitude! He has other grandchildren who could have received those beautiful medals, but he gave them to Alexa. That memory and those medals are priceless!

How blessed our family is because of open adoption!

And cancer is really stupid.

C'mon Next Little Miracle! Mommy Misses You!

I admit it, right now, at this very moment, my heart is sad. I love Alexa more than I can say and I am completely in love with Nicholas and cannot express how much meaning and light he brings into my life.

But right now I am really missing our next little miracle. I want to make him/her a little stocking for Christmas and fill it with wonderful little Bambino goodies! I want to hold our little Sneetch and cuddle with him/her with one hand and type a completely different post right now with my other hand.

I want Alexa to love and dote upon her little sibling. She is going to be SUCH a good sister...and a little ornery for sure, but that's to be expected.

I want Nick to have a little boy buddy or to be swarmed in a house full of girls! He is SUCH a wonderful father and any child would be so blessed to have him as their Dad-dad!

Recently when a friend has shared their happy pregnancy news or even their happy adoption news (which I usually get more excited about, even when my heart is hurting a bit), I still feel happy, but then an immediate aching begins. My heart gets so confused at those moments.

I know we've only been approved for the second time since August, but I can't tell you how many times I have wished that the unknown number on my phone was a potential birthmom. Really, it's every time. I know we are probably only at the very beginning of our journey to our little Sneetch and we have a long way to go, but that knowledge does not help me temper my emotions at all.

In fact, none of the blessings I have mentioned help ease the aching or homesick feeling I get when all I want are my babies to be with me. I can wait until it's right, but I wish that the right time comes very soon...and that wish and the thoughts and feelings that accompany it make my heart ache so much!

I think I thought this go around would be easier, just because we've done it before and are used to wanting our children with us. We're infertility veterans, so I just assumed I'd be able to deal with this aching better over time. I suppose in some ways it definitely is easier because I know adoption works and that is extremely comforting. I don't want to discount how much I trust the adoption process and the Lord's timing in putting our family together and how much easier that knowledge makes this adoption experience easier.

It's also easier because Alexa is here and being a Mom at all is such a blessing...one I wasn't sure I'd have during the first time adopting. How grateful I am to be a Mom!

But the heartaches are not easier, and the longing for my babies who aren't here is not easier. And the increased longing I feel around the holidays is not easier.

So this rambling post is just a plea to the world wide web...because where else can I make this plea that makes anymore sense? My plea is this:

Hey next little Miracle, our little Sneetch! Please come to our family soon! Your Mommy misses you and wants you home! And bring your birth-family with you, because we miss them, too! I love you more than I even know or can understand, and so does your Dad-dad and sister! See you soon, kiddo!

Music Monday: There Can Be Miracles

When You Believe, Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey

I loved this song before, but when I thought about it in the context of adoption, I just love it all the more! There really can be miracles when you believe - I've seen them!

BraveLove.org

This maybe one of my favorite things I've seen in a long time. BraveLove.org is responsible for this beautiful video and thought, and I encourage you to help share their beautiful message, or if you are in a position to assist them financially you should do so. What a wonderful organization!

I love Melissa for sharing the title of Mom and Mother with me! Alexa is such a lucky girl!

Our Family Advocates Adoption (Even in Grocery Lines)

When we started flirting with the idea of adoption a few years ago I really did not understand what I was signing up for. I really didn't get that I was signing up for a lot of insensitive or downright rude and judgmental commentary from complete strangers towards myself, my husband, my daughter, or my children's birthparents. I didn't know I'd have to be an adoption advocate every time a checker at the grocery store told me "She has your smile" or "You two look so much alike."

I am embarrassed to admit that in the past I have held my tongue, and I did so because frankly, it is not their business that none of her genes came from me! And why do I have to open the door to their potential load of crappy adoption ideas or insensitive comments?! I'm just shopping for crying out loud!

But the truth is I am so proud of my daughter's adoption! In fact, aside from my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (learn more here), nothing makes me more proud! I want to correct misconceptions, change crappy ideas people have, and help people see how wonderful adoption is!
It's my responsibility to speak up when people say mis-informed or insensitive or blatantly wrong things or even simple things like "you look alike." It is my responsibility as a parent to my adopted child. It's my responsibility as a co-mother with Melissa. It's my responsibility as the mother who Ray chose to be with his daughter everyday. It's my responsibility as a niece to two adopted aunts. It's my responsibility as a person, a child of God, to act rather than be acted upon.

And when it comes to adoption, you can bet the bank that I will act, and as time goes on I guarantee you I will act more with more conviction. (I promise Nick will too, but he can write his own post if he wants.)

So this post started as a commitment to our little Sneetch who will enter our little adoption-oriented family, and to Sneetch's birthparents, that our family will always advocate for adoption. We will always standby our children's birth-families! We will always do everything we can to maintain the most open relationship with those birth-families as humanly possible! We're in this for the long, dirty, messy haul, and we're in it now deeper than we have ever been because there are so many blessings amidst all that dirt and mess...and the stakes for our family - for our children - have never been higher.

Alexa and the rest of our adopted children need to know that there is not a speck of shame in our hearts about whose uterus they grew in or the path we went through as their parents to get them into our family. We are so proud, and will share that pride at all times and in all places, including with checkers at the grocery store.

We even wear t-shirts and walk in parades to show our adoption pride!

Music Monday

"Home," Phillip Phillips

Dedicated, once again, to our future adoption. Love you, Sneetch! Love this song! Hate the dude's name who sings it. Uhh, repetitive much? Repetitive much?

Spreading the Good Word at Storytime

At library storytime today I announced that Alexa was adopted and that we were hoping to adopt again and that if anyone wanted to talk more about it I had contact information and would love to chat.

Well, one mom did want to chat. She asked me all sorts of questions and I got to explain what an open adoption is, which is great. And just in case she's reading this now, this is what an open adoption looks like:

We had a great time with Ray, Melissa, and Bjorn on Saturday and are so glad we can spread the great news of adoption with whoever wants to know about it...and even probably some that don't.

Piglet's Adoption Story, Part 4 (The Finale)

...My little girl had just been born!

 That was early Friday morning, and the next few days in the hospital were a bit of a blur. A blissfully wonderful blur full of holding, swaying, feeding, swooning, smiling, singing, and healing. We met Ray's dad and son, Bjorn, and some of Ray and Melissa's friends came to meet us and offer their love and support. That part of the experience was faith-inspiring and left both Nick and I in awe of the responsibilities we now had as Alexa's parents.

Alexa's half-brother, Bjorn, and Alexa in the hospital. He bought her booties and a necklace.

Ray left for scout camp on Saturday, and so Saturday night Nick was able to have Alexa in our room to love and feed and I spent the night in Melissa's room to give her a shoulder to cry on or a friend's ear to talk in if she needed it. There was so much love between each of our families one to another at that time. And because of a beautiful baby girl, we were all very much united as a family. Just as we always should have been.

Ray and Melissa with Alexa before Ray left for scout camp.

On Sunday we were allowed to go home, and placement was done in early afternoon. It was awful. I think I expected it to be exciting, and maybe I was a little excited, but the excitement really didn't set in until we were driving away from the hospital. Up until then all of our hearts were breaking. Watching Melissa cry and knowing there was a very simple way I could mend her aching, and yet it was not my decision to make, was just awful! As we walked out of the hospital doors, and both Nick and I both hugged Melissa. As she and I hugged, between sobs she whispered in my ear "Don't let me take her back tomorrow." I reassured her that this was the right decision and that overtime things would get better. I hugged her again, and we all went our separate ways. Finally to our home with our daughter in the back seat.

Melissa and our case worker with Alexa right before placement.

That night Nick ran over to Wal-Mart to get "burp cloths" (cheap wash cloths that we now use as rags) and a crib. It was a late night, but Alexa and I enjoyed watching dad put her bed together as his first official Daddy project. We all went to sleep in our respective beds and woke up many times for feedings, relishing every moment. 

Daddy putting the crib together, and Alexa using it for the first time.

Monday morning Nick had to go to work for just a couple of hours, so Alexa and I stayed home, where I just held her, didn't shower, and talked with friends and family on the phone. I think it was about 10am when I got a call from Nick, and as I type this my heart is just starting to pound a little. He told me Melissa changed her mind and had sent us a text that simply said "I want my baby back." My legs went numb and I slid my back down the wall and collapsed holding my daughter as tight as possible. This couldn't be possible!

And yet it was. We called our case worker in a panic and he made his way down to Ray and Melissa's home to discuss the repercussions of this decision. And so we waited. We waited to hear from him until 9pm that night, all the while hoping for the best and trying to avoid our thoughts from thinking the worst. We sat on the couch and watched a movie that we would feel good about never watching again if things went poorly: Nova's Ancient Refuge in the Holy Land. Oh yes, we also prayed. We prayed constantly! Out-loud, in silence, and on the phone with family. My goodness did we pour our hearts out to our God on that day, more than I ever had before or have since.

{Sorry, not a lot of pictures from this day. As you can probably imagine, it wasn't a day we really wanted to capture in photos.}

When we did get our case worker's phone call, he was somber and very tired. He told us she had not changed her mind and that we were to meet at his office at 10am Tuesday morning to hand over our daughter so he could return her to Melissa. Our hearts broke - it felt almost literally. We decided that on our last night together we would do everything we had dreamed of doing with Alexa that we could do with an infant. We read every book we treasured with her (ie. The Sneetches, The Lorax, Pat the Bunny, etc.), we told her every family/funny story we could think of, and we sang every song that we thought she might like. Once we were all too tired to stay awake any longer, we went to bed, but this night we couldn't bear to let her sleep alone...or maybe we couldn't bear to be without her for any longer than was necessary. Yeah, that's definitely it.

It's hard to describe how the following morning went in our home. We were quiet, constant tears were being shed, and heartfelt silent prayers were being offered without ceasing. Nick offered a special prayer, a Father's blessing, for Alexa that morning, as she was soon to leave our hands and we'd probably never see her again. We wrote a letter to Ray and Melissa expressing our love for them and for Alexa. We put that note in a bag full of things they would need: diapers, clothes, bottles, etc. We also decided that if this was going to be the last memory Alexa would have with us, we wanted it to be a positive one. If by some miracle she were to remember us, we wanted her to remember us as strong, loving, and happy people. So, we put our best foot forward by dressing our best and left for the adoption agency.

One last picture with Alexa, and one last one of her in her carseat. Doesn't Nick's face break your heart?

We arrived at 9:45, and we drove as slow as slow as humanly possible. Our case worker said that was the first time anyone ever arrived to a placement reversal early, so he gave us some time with Alexa. He said we could have all the time we wanted, and so we suggested driving until we got to Mexico. In our last moments with Alexa, I gave her a kiss while she was still in her carseat, but I didn't want to hold her again. It was too much. Nick wanted to hold her one last time before handing her to our case worker and then walking away. So he did - and he sobbed. And so I sobbed. And our case worker checked his phone (??)...because he had just received a text message.

From Melissa.

It said something along the lines that she had made a mistake and that Alexa should stay with us! Of course that all had to be confirmed, but after about 20 minutes of not breathing and being confused as all get out, our case worker came back in the room. (Nick and I decided that feeling must be what insanity is like. We were just so emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted and the ups and downs were just too high and too low to have life make any sense at all. That's insanity.) Our case worker held his phone up to me to read it...and the screen had turned dark! 

OH MY GOSH!! One more second of not knowing and my heart could have exploded!

Okay, so once I could read the message, it was from Melissa and it said that she meant what she had texted before and that she was wrong in asking for Alexa back. She belonged in our family.

Readers, I have lived a life of faith and spirituality, and I may live a hundred more years and never witness a miracle as blatantly obvious as I did on that February morning.

Nick and I decided to not call or tell anyone until the relinquishment paperwork had been filed with the court, so we waited for our case worker to draw up the paperwork, we drove with him to the court house, waited for him to come out after filing, and then on the way home began calling family members (who were all crying when we spoke with them). We were driving home, once again, with our little girl in the back seat.

Only this time it was permanent.

And suddenly we got very hungry (we realized we hadn't really eaten an actual meal in about 20 hours), so we pit stopped at Little Caesar's for a Hot n' Ready pizza. We now look back on those 24 hours, when we we must think of them, as the most challenging of our life. It's also the day I think of that when I forget how blessed I am to be ALexa's mom. Nick and I wanted this life enough to fight so hard for it. We would have done anything to keep Alexa in our family that day, and everyday since then. 

At the end of those awful 24 hours. So tired but so happy.

It's hard to imagine we maybe setting ourselves up for that type of craziness again...but it's so easy to see now that every pain and tear and prayer was more than worth it.  

Our family sealed together for time and all eternity: October 8, 2011

***I want to take this moment to be perfectly clear that we harbor no ill-feelings towards Melissa or Ray or anyone for anything that happened during those awful 24 hours. They made us stronger as a family and deepened our conviction that adoption was/is the right thing for our family more than anything else ever could. They strengthened our faith in God, in our family, and in the power of prayer. As hard as they were, I wouldn't trade them for anything...especially since I now know the outcome is awesome!***

Music Monday: Featured Family

Girls Just Want to Have Fun, Michael, The Glee Project

Yeah, I watch The Glee Project, and I like it, and I REALLY like this version of this song! So bummed he got eliminated after this performance. Enjoy!

AND...yesterday our family's open adoption was featured on TheRHouse blog. Click here to see the post that shares our experience meeting Alexa's birth-grandma!

Piglet's Adoption Story, Part 3

***I know I never finished Alexa's adoption story, or at least it's been quite sometime since the last installment, and even more time since the first installment, so bear with me because these last two parts are the best parts of the story!***

...but this was a good start, and we knew it.

So we went home after meeting Ray and Melissa for the first time feeling good, but not trying to get overly excited as our hearts were still aching from the Hayley and Hannah situation which was still very fresh on our minds and hearts. We decided, however, that at bare minimum we needed a crib and a carseat which we ordered from Walmart since Melissa's tentative due date was still two weeks away.

That meeting was February 11, 2011, and it wasn't really until February 13th that we really let ourselves believe this was really happening, and it wasn't until the 16th that we decided to pack hospital bags and leave them in the car, just in case something did happen early.

On February 15, 2011, Nick and I expressed these thoughts in our daily journal respectively:

"As the prospect of having a baby looms larger over our lives right now, it's both an exciting and stressful time." 

"As our daughter's birth draws closer, I am growing more nervous that something is bound to go wrong."

On February 17th I was working late (because I knew I'd be out for a while, even if I hadn't told my boss or co-workers to avoid a false-alarm fiasco again) and my phone rang. I assumed it was Nick because he was also still at work and just letting me know he was on his way home. I was wrong. It was our case worker, and when I answered he asked me "Are you ready? Because it's time. They're at the hospital." My stomach leaped right into me throat and immediately got that "her water just broke" kind of panic in my demeanor. 

I called Nick...no answer. So I called again while I was fumbling around my cubicle turning things off and putting things in piles so others could easily find what I'm referring to when they call me and ask me questions....no answer again. So I called again when I was running out of the office to the car and as I drove away from my job for, I was hoping, at least 6 weeks...still no answer. So I called again as I'm driving down the freeway towards our house trying to remain calm that my husband won't answer his phone and our baby maybe being delivered right then...and still no answer! I think I called a total of 13 times before he called me back at which point I was able to tell him that our daughter was coming, and we have a 2 hour drive to make and what are we going to do?! I was nearly hyperventilating from excitement and nervous energy. 

During that two hours we talked about names for our baby (it was between Natalie, Grace, or Alexa), the fact that we didn't have a carseat (the one we ordered hadn't arrived yet), and that had I gotten pulled over while driving like a maniac on the way to the house I would have had a really hard time convincing the officer that I was going to pick up my husband to take him to the hospital so we could be there for our daughter's birth. We also called our family and our bosses, but nothing seemed to fill the time enough. And yet when we got to the hospital it seemed like we could have used another 5 hours in the car to prepare ourselves. I don't care when you become a parent, I bet it seems like you're not prepared.

We got there a bit after 9pm, and we met Ray and Melissa for only the second time up in the hospital room. They were so respectful and allowed us to make the decisions on immunizations and they made sure every nurse knew who we were and why we were there. It was overwhelming how committed they were to this decision they had made. Melissa invited both of us to be in the delivery room for the birth, which I eagerly agreed to do, and Nick hesitated to do because he didn't want to make Melissa uncomfortable...well, more uncomfortable anyway. What another incredible gift they were giving to us when we know they would have been totally justified in not giving it at all!

As Melissa's contractions increased, we did our best to pass the time by talking and learning more about each other, although I don't really remember what we talked about. I do remember, however, that every time Melissa had a contraction I tensed up really bad, gripped Nick's hand, and felt so guilty that she had to go through all that pain just so I could be a Mom. It wasn't fair and I wished I could have taken it all away! Oh, I felt so guilty!

Her big contractions seemed to last a long time, but I think she was in active labor for an hour and a half. It was so late at that point, around 1am, and we were all so tired, but Melissa kept pushing (and asking for more drugs). Just before Alexa was born, there was a swarm of nurses and doctors around Melissa, but once I heard that little cry, and once I saw her tiny little body my stomach jumped up into my throat and she was mine. My little girl had just been born!

***Click here to read the concluding portion of Alexa's adoption story!***

Like to Love in 8 Steps

Thanks to Mike's Camera, Walmart, Goodwill, and Hobby Lobby, I was able to transform a once liked area in our house to a now much loved area in our house, and here's how:

Step 1: Have a place in your home that you want to re-do.

 Step 2: Go to Goodwill and buy some perfectly good lamps for $3.99 each.

Step 3: Cover any area you don't want painted with painter's tape (tip: I only covered a portion of the cord, but I should have covered the whole thing or put it in a plastic bag and sealed it off with the tape as a small section of visible cord is now tinted yellow).

 Step 4: Go to Walmart and buy a glossy version of whatever paint color you want. I chose Bauhaus Gold, which turned out to be a really pretty mustard yellow.

 Step 5: Spray paint your lamps. The taller one only needed 2 coats, but the shorter one got an additional coat after I took this picture.

Steps 6, 7, and 8: Print new pictures and buy new frames (50% off making them only $5 each from Hobby Lobby), buy new shades for lamps ($4.97 each from Walmart), and replace new loved pieces with the old liked ones! YAY!

This was such a fun and easy (did it in a day-ish) way to freshen up a look that was a bit tired, which I will definitely be doing again! This refreshing project isn't exactly done, however. I think I am going to make some cute bookends for my little book collection, I may spray paint the frames a charcoal or something a little less harsh than black, and I may add a couple more pictures on either side of the wall to take up a little more of the space. We'll see where my creativity preferences take me!

I've found my tastes have changed a bit, so now the question is, what do I do with the perfectly good things I can't seem to find a use for right now in my little house right now? Oh well, that's a project for another day!

***In other news, we're one of the 795 couples being profiled by LDS Family Services (our adoption agency) on their website as of yesterday! Woot woot! Check out our extremely awesome profile by clicking here.***