Homesick is the best way I know how to describe the pains of infertility. It’s just this aching of wanting to be with the people you love and yet have no power over making that union happen. That’s how I felt for 5 years of wanting children and not being able to bear them. The powerless feeling that I felt over my family and my body was awful, but what made it worse was that I knew this desire was righteous and what the Lord wanted me to be doing. So I was homesick for my babies, frustrated because I couldn’t do anything about it, and confused because I thought God wasn’t doing anything about it either. I felt this way for what seemed like a very long time.
Many talks and reminders from the Spirit helped me through this challenging time in my life, and the chorus of a fairly new Primary song was one of those reminders:
“God gave us families to help us become what He wants us to be--This is how He shares His love, for the family is of God.”
because families are of God, He is going to take care of mine. I don’t have to be afraid that I would never have children, or afraid that my prayers were not being heard, or afraid that God had forgotten about me, or afraid that my wonderful husband would never get to be a dad because of my silly ovaries. I did not have to live in fear because I could move forward with faith that families, and their purposes, are of God, and not of me. I did not have to fear because God provided a way for our family to be together forever, and that way is through Christ and His atonement.
The Savior atoned so I could live with faith and find joy even though I could not understand why my righteous desires were not being fulfilled when and how I wanted them to be. The Savior atoned so that I can be with my husband and beautiful adopted daughter in the temple to be sealed as a family for all eternity. The Savior atoned so I could understand more fully how much God loves me and is aware of me and my family. The Savior atoned so my tears, sorrow, pain, homesickness, and fear of infertility did not keep me from returning to Heavenly Father, but in fact helped me become the person I need to be to get me there.
Thank you, Aubrey for the opportunity to write this out and explore my feelings and convictions about my gratitude for my infertility more deeply!
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