Saturday, December 25, 2010

Rachel and Julia

I saw a movie a while back and am watching tonight while getting some tedious work done (yes, I realize it's Christmas, but that's what happens on occasion when you have a low-paying high-demand job at a non-profit that you love). It's Julie & Julia and I would recommend it to anyone, especially girls, who have a pulse. It's awesome!

Let me tell you, I cried at the scene when Julia and her husband Paul are cooking and talking and laughing like any other time in the kitchen, and then she receives a letter from her newly-married sister. Julia's sister, Dorothy, told her she was pregnant, and this is what Julia said:

"Dorothy is pregnant. Hmmm. Ooo, Paul!"
(Her loving husband Paul walks over to her and puts his arm around her shoulder.)
"Isn't...isn't that WONDERFUL!"
(She then sobs into his shoulder and he comforts her so naturally, like he's probably done a billion times before then...aren't husbands wonderful?)
"I'm so happy!" Then Paul says, "I know. I know."

I am sitting here wondering if only people who have felt desperate for children can understand her logic, or if people experience other joys that cause them wrenching pain at the same time. I honestly don't know, but it seems like the latter would be more plausible. Just as a little side note.

Let me just say that Julia, in her completely nonsensical and private ramblings to her husband, makes complete sense to me. I have received that letter/phone call/Facebook update/email, and that's exactly how I felt! I felt such happiness and such aching at the same time. It was confusing to say the least. Everything about infertility and adoption seems to be so confusing. I feel love and loss, hope and fear, joy and pain...and supposedly the confusion only increases from here.

I'm gonna throw out this confusing declaration right now: I have a love-hate relationship with my infertility. One example is today, Christmas Day. A few weeks ago, maybe a week or so before Thanksgiving, I had a complete emotional breakdown in a King Soopers (local super market) parking lot. I pleaded with God not to let us have one more holiday season without children. I was sobbing nonsensically in private into the shoulder of my Heavenly Father. And even though we are still, for the 5th Christmas now, separated from our children, I do not believe for an instant that my omnipotent and omniscient Father in Heaven blew me off or ignored my plea or disregarded my righteous desires.

On the completely other hand, I know my Father loves me enough not to grant my every request, but to give me opportunities to have a deeper faith and hope in Him and in this season. I believe that we will have our children with us someday at Christmas, but not this one, and that's okay. We can and will wait for them for as long as we need to wait. We had such a lovely weekend (aside from my having to work a bit), watching movies, sleeping in, opening presents, playing with Lego's, cooking a grand Christmas feast, baking and decorating cookies, praying for our children to come to our family soon, and all in our pajamas. See what I mean? Infertility and I have a love-hate relationship. I hate it and just wish it would go away, but I really love today! I also love love love all of the people I have met and will meet because of infertility and adoption. In no way is adoption a lesser has become our "Plan A" and how we are going to "Find the Family that's Looking for Us." What a beautiful thing adoption is and we are so blessed to be able to be apart of it!

The Lord pleads with us in this scripture, to “Lift up [our heads] and be of good cheer; for behold, the time is at hand, and on this night shall the sign be given, and on the morrow come I into the world, to show unto the world that I will fulfill all that which I have caused to be spoken by the mouth of my holy prophets. Behold, I come unto my own, to fulfill all things which I have made known unto the children of men from the foundation of the world, and to do the will, both of the Father and of the Son—of the Father because of me, and of the Son because of my flesh."

Because of the birth of Christ, I know that God will fulfill all the promises He has made to our family, and I know He will fulfill all the promises He's made to you and yours. Merry Christmas to you and all of your loved ones! I sincerely hope you have found as much joy and hope in the birth of Christ as I have this year!


marianneanddoug said...

wonderful post Rachel- i loved julia julia too. and this was a perfectly wrapped together post. thanks for sharing, may the lord bless you throughout the coming year!

Jenni said...

I thought that was such a profound moment in the movie, so much love and so much emotion! I loved the husband's response, it couldn't have been more perfect.

Emily Heizer Photography said...

No, you're right. That scene in Julie and Julia made me cry my eyes out, and just thinking about it now is making me feel genuinely upset. I am not trying to start a family (far from it: ) but I have many friends (almost all of my married friends...) touched by infertility, still born babies and the like. I know what that emotion is. Not even wanting a family (at least, I am struggling to want one now after what I've been through in the last six months) I still know that pain of being so happy for someone and having your heart ache with emptiness.

I know. I don't have to be in the precise position you are in to know... but I do know.