Tuesday, April 27, 2010

what IF?

 As part of the NIAW, I am participating in a really neat project called what IF. In the blogging world, infertility is sometimes abbreviated as IF.

You want to know the truth behind every infertile's hopeful eyes? To be honest, you probably don't, it's hard. But, if you want to really respect some amazing women, read this list. I literally gasped when reading some of these comments. I know my fears all too well, but hearing about others' is so shocking!

So, here is my what IF list. Just to prepare you, this is pretty deep stuff, my true fears. I don't often let these out because Faith can conquer all of these, but with every honest part of my being, here they are. And if you don't care for the tough stuff (I don't blame you) skip to the bottom, there are some great hopes and dreams down there!

1. what IF I become a person I love without children and find that kids throw off my groove?
2. what IF I work so hard at being successful in school and my career, which helps me cope with infertility, that when a child does come I see them as more of an inconvenience than a blessing?
3. what IF after having so many opportunities to find joy outside of the home I can't handle the hardships that come along with being a stay-at-home mom?
4. what IF I have a miscarriage? (hasn't happened yet, and I can't imagine getting through it well.)
5. what IF a billion birthmothers look at our profile and blog (keeping our hopes up) and realize their baby is not meant to be our baby?
6. what IF our promise to have children isn't meant through adoption?
7. what IF we should have been more gung hoe about our fertility treatments when they were available?
8. what IF I hate my body, no matter how thin or beautiful I get because I know the insides are not all they're supposed to be?
9. what IF our promise to have children doesn't come to pass for many, many more years...or maybe not until the millennium?

Okay, I really can't take anymore of that. Those came way to easily...I guess I think about these things after all, they're just so quickly suppressed I barely recognize them anymore. Alright, this is more my area of expertise: best case scenario IF's

1. what IF a birthmother finds us and chooses us today?
2. what IF our child's birthmother LOVES the names Isaac and Natalie too?
3. what IF I find out my period hasn't happened because I'm pregnant and not because of fickle ovaries?
4. what IF I can love this single mother in our church congregation like I know our Savior does?
5. what IF the first time I see my child I truly know that it belongs to us, no matter who incubated it for 10 months?
6. what IF I find a great job after I'm a mother that gives me great pay, great health insurance, flexible hours, low stress, able to work from home, mind enriching, and in education policy? (really stretching there, but it's my fantasy)
7. what IF we have twins one way or another? (I know they would be hard, but I could so love having two little babies!)
8. what IF we do get to have the 5-6 children family we have always wanted??
9. what IF I never had acne ever again?? (dream the impossible dream!)

That was fun, and surprisingly therapeutic. It's a good thing this blog's main purpose isn't entertainment, or else it would really stink! To learn more about infertility, click here.


coryandjulie said...

Let it all out, babe. You feel what you feel and that's OK! You are still very brave and you and Nick are just awesome! I love reading your blog, and hearing all your fears and accomplishments. You're the girl I always knew would "make good" and you're proving it every day! I love you Rachel ... hang in there and continue to have FAITH. The Lord DOES deliver on His promises, you're absolutely right! Keep dreaming!

Lauren Davison said...

Oh man. Zits are really "the worst" and they are pretty much the least of those worries on there! I can relate to a lot of these, but not quite in the same way. Just for about a year or so... But we love you and know it will happen! Love love love you! Thanks for sharing your feelings...