Our Family Advocates Adoption (Even in Grocery Lines)

When we started flirting with the idea of adoption a few years ago I really did not understand what I was signing up for. I really didn't get that I was signing up for a lot of insensitive or downright rude and judgmental commentary from complete strangers towards myself, my husband, my daughter, or my children's birthparents. I didn't know I'd have to be an adoption advocate every time a checker at the grocery store told me "She has your smile" or "You two look so much alike."

I am embarrassed to admit that in the past I have held my tongue, and I did so because frankly, it is not their business that none of her genes came from me! And why do I have to open the door to their potential load of crappy adoption ideas or insensitive comments?! I'm just shopping for crying out loud!

But the truth is I am so proud of my daughter's adoption! In fact, aside from my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (learn more here), nothing makes me more proud! I want to correct misconceptions, change crappy ideas people have, and help people see how wonderful adoption is!
It's my responsibility to speak up when people say mis-informed or insensitive or blatantly wrong things or even simple things like "you look alike." It is my responsibility as a parent to my adopted child. It's my responsibility as a co-mother with Melissa. It's my responsibility as the mother who Ray chose to be with his daughter everyday. It's my responsibility as a niece to two adopted aunts. It's my responsibility as a person, a child of God, to act rather than be acted upon.

And when it comes to adoption, you can bet the bank that I will act, and as time goes on I guarantee you I will act more with more conviction. (I promise Nick will too, but he can write his own post if he wants.)

So this post started as a commitment to our little Sneetch who will enter our little adoption-oriented family, and to Sneetch's birthparents, that our family will always advocate for adoption. We will always standby our children's birth-families! We will always do everything we can to maintain the most open relationship with those birth-families as humanly possible! We're in this for the long, dirty, messy haul, and we're in it now deeper than we have ever been because there are so many blessings amidst all that dirt and mess...and the stakes for our family - for our children - have never been higher.

Alexa and the rest of our adopted children need to know that there is not a speck of shame in our hearts about whose uterus they grew in or the path we went through as their parents to get them into our family. We are so proud, and will share that pride at all times and in all places, including with checkers at the grocery store.

We even wear t-shirts and walk in parades to show our adoption pride!

Mourning My Fertile Life

I think this is the third time I've started this post, because I've had the feelings and thoughts but have been unsure how to form them coherently.

That was until I watched this video (again) and realized that sometimes I, like NieNie, mourn for the loss of the woman I thought I was going to become. By now I thought I was going to be a young mom with 4 kids under the age of 6 with one on the way and planning on having at least 2-3 more. I wanted to have that beautiful family of young children causing raucous during church with my hair frazzled and exhausted at days end because I had worked so hard at being a pregnant mom trying to wrangle my small but growing family. That woman I imagined had been bred for motherhood glory, endowed with child-bearing hips and so many babysitting opportunities in her youth it would make anyone's head spin! She was everything every other mom looked to as a pillar of strength because she fulfilled all her responsibilities with her young family and still served others willingly and faithfully and kept her home cute and beautiful. Her life was far too perfect to be actually real for anyone to be living. It was unrealistic, sure, but in some sense plausible.

Occasionally, more often as we go through adoption paperwork, I mourn over the loss of that once idealistic scenario of mine. That picture in my head of that woman I thought I would become fades with every passing day that I am not pregnant or not adopting another child. I do--I really mourn that woman because I know she will never exist. At least not how I pictured her...not how I pictured myself and my life and my family. Many tears have been shed over her, and many more are still to come, I'm certain of that.

I am already 25, almost 26, and have only one baby and there are currently 4 exposed nails pounded into my walls where frames have been removed and nothing has replaced them. The mother and homemaker at one time I thought I would be at this point is a fantasy, and sometimes when I linger on that fantasy I forget about the fantastical life I do have.

My husband is a wonderful provider, financially, spiritually, emotionally, et cetera-ly for our family. He loves me and we just celebrated a wonderful 6th anniversary together this past Saturday.

My daughter is a miracle in our family placed with us for time and eternity by two wonderfully amazing parents who love her as much as Nick and I do. Not many parents have people in their children's lives that love their children as much as they do, but our children do/will.

I had the opportunity to get an advanced education where learned so many fascinating things, but mostly that I am capable of doing things I never thought I could. In that vision I had of myself in the past, I never ever was doing data analysis and really enjoying my work. That wasn't my "area" of skill or interest.

I think perhaps the thing I am most grateful for that I could not have ever guessed as a younger woman was that I would eventually be so incredibly grateful for the trial of infertility as much I am today. How could I have known that the experiences related to my greatest trial (so far) would shape my faith and the way I serve others and the compassion I have for others and the love I have for my husband and daughter so abundantly that I can't imagine my life without those experiences? And why would I want to?

I  have such a wonderful life and I am blessed everyday to be living in it! Sometimes thoughts of that once-fantasy life creeps in my mind and I once again take a moment to mourn the loss of that young mother who has it all and can grow her family whenever she wants. Sure those thoughts come, and I honestly don't want those thoughts to ever go away completely. While the specifics can't be as I thought they would be, the happy home and family I imagined certainly can be. That vision, while different, is a lot closer and more attainable than I sometimes think it is. And those visions I receive of that version of me who has "it all" keeps me striving for "it all" (as much as I can control) in my current circumstance.

And even if I never have another child, or a dog, or a home that is the envy of the neighborhood, I still have such a beautiful life! And I am grateful for it everyday!

I honestly wouldn't change a thing...except for maybe those exposed nails on the wall. Something must be done there. 

A Temporary Cleansing

Last night before bed I caught myself reading our blessing book entries from back in January.

What? You don't know what a blessing book is? It's our nightly journal where we say at least one thing that happened that we recognized the hand of the Lord in our lives that day.

What? You don't know what happened in January? That was when our failed adoption happened. Those posts seemed like a lifetime ago...and it has only been 6 months!

***Just as a side note, I hate that term: failed adoption. It sounds so bummer-ish and depressing. I'll be brainstorming a new phrase that reflects my feelings about the experience more accurately. TBA***

Back to last night: for the first time since Alexa's birth I kinda longed for that other little girl that I prayed to be ours for months. I had prayed her mom would choose adoption and choose us. Not that I would exchange Alexa, just I wanted them both! How selfish, right?

Well, it's how I felt. And then I told Nick, "I want Aly to have a sister...like now." And then I wanted to get pregnant, like yesterday. And then I felt that twinge of heartache knowing that I couldn't just "do the deed" and have a sister for Aly in me. Of course it's possible, but it hasn't happened in 5 years, and I really try not to get caught up in those thoughts because, even though I'm a mom, they still make me sad.

Those little reminders of my infertility have been hurting more often lately, like friends being pregnant or having baby showers while pregnant. They're reminders of a former life before motherhood, which feels like an eternity ago, and I don't particularly like it. They make me feel ungrateful for the life and experiences I have had because of my infertility. The people I have met and loved and love and will love forever.

So this post is a temporary cleansing of those feelings, because I think they'll creep up again. But for now, I am grateful that to the right of my laptop is a bowl with a little milk leftover from breakfast, a teething ring, an empty bottle, and a dirty receiving blanket. All because of adoption.

And I find myself grateful for my infertility. And my sisters.

Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish

One of the songs I sing to Aly when I put her to sleep says the following:

I'm trying to be like Jesus;

I'm following in His ways.

I'm trying to love as He did

In all that I do and say.

At times I am tempted to make a wrong choice,

But I try to listen as the still small voice whispers:

"Love one another as Jesus loves you.

Try to show kindness in all that you do.

Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought,

For these are the things Jesus taught."

Typically this song is sung by children. In fact, I sang this song many times as a child, which is why the words still resonate with me. It wasn't until I was a teenager that these words really sunk in. For the first time I realized this is how I hope I live my life, all summed up in one little song. 

And so I sing it to my daughter, because this is how I hope she lives her life. 

There are many other things I really want my daughter to know. Of course a knowledge of Jesus Christ is the center of that, but I hope she learns many other wonderful things as well. I was just watching a commencement speech given by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Inc., to Stanford graduates in 2005. He concluded his comments with the phrase

"Stay hungry. Stay foolish." 

Sidenote: Aly is hungry almost every 3 hours to a T, so I hope if she stays that hungry she learns to feed herself.

I imagine he means to stay ambitious, hungry for life and opportunities. Alexa is hungry for formula, but she is also so eager to search and absorb new things. She loves being outside, despite the bright sun. That girl is hungry, and I hope she never loses that.

Alexa is also very naive. She has no idea about the foreign oil crisis or that the Missouri tornado death count reached 116, making it tied for the deadliest tornado in America on record [source]. And to be honest, she doesn't care. All she cares about is that when she cries someone is there to meet her needs, and if we're really good, we meet her needs before she cries. Of course I want her to have compassion for others, but I don't want her to lose focus of what is really important in life, and for the moment she has that down! She knows her mommy and daddy will be there to help her no matter what, and that she has to nap even when she thinks she doesn't want to nap. That's it. Steve Jobs called it foolishness to believe the world is as small as your 900 sq ft condo. I call it focus.

As she grows older and learns new things, she will grow more hungry/passionate for specific things, first bubbles then horses then boys then who knows. As that hunger grows, I hope her foolishness/focus grows with it. I hope she believes that she can go and do anything her passionate heart leads her to do. And it's my job, as her mother, to nurture her with all the tools she needs to get her there, and I think the least of those tools is money, and the greatest of those tools is love.

That's what I wish and hope for my baby girl. To stay hungry, stay foolish, and stay with God. And I'll love her every moment, especially as that hunger and foolishness leads to heartbreak and frustration, and as that devotion to God leads to service, compassion, and unavoidable sorrow for the pains of others. And her daddy will do the same...probably trying to help with money because he's a pushover!

What do you hope for your children?

Music Monday

This song, not this version, was sung by my mother to my sisters and I probably hundreds, if not thousands of times during our childhood. She sang it at all her children's baptisms. It sure meant a lot to us back then.

And now I sing it to my daughter...and it puts her to sleep just about every time. I hope it will mean as much to her as it does to me.

Thanks for teaching me this song, Mom. It's exactly what I want my daughter to know about her Savior.

To learn more about the subject of the song, click here.

Infertiles Everywhere (within the readership of this blog), Read My Call!

(If you're not infertile, you can keep on reading as well, this may interest you as well.)

I was involved with a moderately extended Facebook conversation in which some Infertiles sounded off about how frustrating it is when people who have been trying to get pregnant for less than a year claim infertility. You want the definition of infertility? Our friend Wikipedia shares its take on the matter:

"Reproductive endocrinologists, the doctors specializing in infertility, consider a couple to be infertile if: The couple has not conceived after 12 months of contraceptive-free intercourse if the female is under the age of 34. 12 months is the lower reference limit for Time to Pregnancy (TTP) by the World Health Organization." [link here]

I'm going to be honest, it is frustrating on occasion, when other's claim infertility when it's not. But that's my fault, not theirs.

We, as Infertiles, need to reach out to people who are experiencing the fears and sadness of wanting children and not having them, no matter how long they have had those emotions. It's still scary, it's still heartbreaking, it's still lonely.

The first person I shared my fears with was a close friend. She was single and did not know even a morsel of the worries I had, but she empathized and cried with me. That experience happened after Nick and I had been trying to get pregnant for a whopping 4 months! How foolish I would have sounded to others who had been dealing with actual infertility and not my little problem! My friend was an angel for me, but how nice it would have been for me then to have someone who really understood my pain and fears to hold my hand through that scary time in my life!

I naively thought the every other woman got pregnant whenever she wanted, but that was ignorance. Can we really be upset with those who sincerely are searching for a helping and comforting hand and do not know enough about infertility to identify it appropriately? Those syntactical errors maybe keeping us from loving and serving others, which is really silly! Are they trying to offend? No, and it is a fool who takes offense when none was intended. Often times they can't go to a doctor, and they may only have a handful of friends who have experienced what they're feeling. What would we have them do, suffer alone? 

Personally, I don't want others who maybe feeling the fear of infertility to be afraid to come to me and ask for help, no matter if those feelings have been with them for a day or a decade. We, as Infertiles, should be other women's first resource of help and strength, and not someone they are worried of offending. 

Did Christ ever say "You don't know pain or sorrow. Once you get to Gethsemane and are suffering for the entire world, then come talk to me about heartache and trials"? No, instead He puts up with all our little petty problems and doesn't make us feel like less than He is. In fact, He does not even make our petty problems even feel petty or less than our own personal Gethsemane. 

When we struggle, Christ says "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest...For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." [link here] What do we as humans really know about being "heavy laden[ed]," but Christ, our Redeemer and Savior, said we can take our burdens to Him. If His yoke is easy, what do any of us have to complain about, or why should we make others feel less because we think their burden is less than our own?

Infertiles everywhere (within the readership of this blog), let us take upon ourselves the yoke of Christ, which is to "bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light; Yea, and...mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort." [link here] We went through our infertility trial for a purpose, and I like to think that purpose is to better serve our fellow [wo]man and God. Isn't that what all our trials are for anyway?

Speaking of serving, a dear friend of mine who held my virtual hand through our failed adoption is having a Hysterectomy and is sad and scared. Please keep your thoughts and prayers with this amazing woman! She inspires many and now needs our help. Thanks!

When I in Awesome Wonder...

My thoughts are simple tonight.

Parents do hard things for their kids.

Sometimes they wait for them.

Sometimes they let them go.

And maybe the hardest thing of all is knowing that there's nothing they can do except to pray for them.

I know that God takes care of and watches over all of His children. Lucky for us we don't have to be perfect parents because He's got that part covered.

All we have to do is be faithful parents. Faithful to the Father that gave us life, and to our families that make life worth living.

The feeling that everything that is most important to you in the entire universe is completely out of your hands is so frustrating, and yet knowing that God has everything most important in His hands makes it okay. It's still hard, but it's better. Infinitely better.

Something else that makes the pain better is knowing that "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life." That verse has new meaning to me now. God gave His son so that all His children could have the best life possible. Isn't that what adoption is all about? May God bless birth parents everywhere for their sacrifice!

My final thought is this (and then it's bedtime), and I'm going to borrow the language from a wonderful man for this one, but I don't think he minds:

"Now have we not reason to rejoice? Yea, I say unto you, there never were men that had so great reason to rejoice as we, since the world began; yea and my joy is carried away, even unto boasting in my God; for he has all power, all wisdom, and all understanding; he comprehendeth all things, and he is a merciful Being, even unto salvation, to those who will repent and believe on his name.

Now if this is boasting, even so will I boast; for this is my life and my light, my joy and my salvation, and my redemption from everlasting wo. Yea blessed is the name of my God, who has been mindful of this people, who are a branch of the tree of Israel,and has been lost from its body in a strange land; yea, I say, blessed be the name of my God who has been mindful of us, wanderers in a strange land.

Now my brethern, we see that God is mindful of every people; whatsoever land they may be in; yea, he numbereth his people, and his bowels of mercy are over all the earth. Now this is my joy, and my great thanksgiving; yea, and I will give thanks to my God forever. Amen." (emphasis added)

Thank you Ammon for saying what my heart longs to say, but you're so much more eloquent than I. These words are found in this book on page 275. I recommend the read.

Rachel and Julia

I saw a movie a while back and am watching tonight while getting some tedious work done (yes, I realize it's Christmas, but that's what happens on occasion when you have a low-paying high-demand job at a non-profit that you love). It's Julie & Julia and I would recommend it to anyone, especially girls, who have a pulse. It's awesome!

Let me tell you, I cried at the scene when Julia and her husband Paul are cooking and talking and laughing like any other time in the kitchen, and then she receives a letter from her newly-married sister. Julia's sister, Dorothy, told her she was pregnant, and this is what Julia said:

"Dorothy is pregnant. Hmmm. Ooo, Paul!"
(Her loving husband Paul walks over to her and puts his arm around her shoulder.)
"Isn't...isn't that WONDERFUL!"
(She then sobs into his shoulder and he comforts her so naturally, like he's probably done a billion times before then...aren't husbands wonderful?)
"I'm so happy!" Then Paul says, "I know. I know."

I am sitting here wondering if only people who have felt desperate for children can understand her logic, or if people experience other joys that cause them wrenching pain at the same time. I honestly don't know, but it seems like the latter would be more plausible. Just as a little side note.

Counting Blessings

I read a comment on a blog by a woman who has had a number of health issues, including ones that keep her and her husband from having kids. She was addressing those with kids and said

"we would trade the best day we've had without kids for your worst day with them."

Ya know what, we wouldn't. I 'm not judging this girl or think less of her. I cannot begin to fathom the level of their difficulties as a couple. I'm just saying, for us, we have a pretty nice life. 

I wouldn't trade our most difficult and sad day for any other families' most spectacular. That's because we know we are where we are and who we are because of those days.

As a 3.5/5 star movie once said "How could [we] be angry when this is clearly as God intended it to be for [us]?"

We still ache for our children, quite often recently, but "when upon life's billows you are tempest tossed...count your many blessings see what God hath done."

1. We have a rock solid marriage. Seriously, it's everything I ever wanted.

When We're Helping We're Happy

I just found out recently that a friend of almost 22 years (yeah, since I was 2) has been having difficulty getting pregnant for about 2 years. I found out from one of her family members, and when I asked her about it, she told me she didn't tell me because she didn't want to complain since Nicholas and I have been waiting for our family for so much longer and she already has a little boy. My heart breaks for her.

Nicholas' aunt and I had a talk a couple weeks back where she expressed to me that her 9 children came to her pretty much whenever she wanted, except for the two youngest, whom are twins, whom she  had to wait for for 3 whole months. She was scared that she was too old or her body was too spent to complete her family. My heart breaks for her.

My sister has one little girl, who is almost 2, and a son who is waiting for the rest of his family in heaven. She hasn't been able to get pregnant since she lost her little boy because of the trauma she experienced. My heart breaks for her.

 

My niece, Anna, is such a little cheeser! She was trying to sneak and discover all of Burgerville's secrets!

A high school friend waited to get pregnant after her first boy for, I think, nearly a year and could not receive fertility treatments because the cardinal time to wait for fertility services is 12 months. She wanted her family before 12 months. My heart breaks for her.

I would like to just come out and say that if you are experiencing the heartache of infertility, whether it be for one month or 48, whether you have no kids or 9, whether you are feeling these fears now or did many years ago, I hope you come to me. I would love to cry with you, laugh with you, and hope with you. This journey is a million times easier with supportive friends. I want to be your friend!

I understand that some days are harder than others, but that not every moment is consumed with deep depression and aching. I also understand that baby showers are difficult, but you still want to go because you love your friends and are happy for their happiness but completely ache for your own. I understand the scared and sometimes hopeless feeling as well as the feeling that God's love encircles you with new blessings every moment and how could one be sad when there's so much joy and hope in His love for each of us. I understand that, sometimes, a good cry and a very honest post early in the morning on a Saturday is just what is needed. I understand that opportunities for growth sometimes look suspiciously like trials.

I understand, so let's get through this time in our lives together. Email me at rachelandnicholas@gmail.com or call if you have my number (I'll give it to you later if you want). I love you, truly I do. While this heartache is so personal, we don't have to deal with it alone. Let's help each other, and we can be happy together!

From Orphan to Legend

A good friend of mine from high school told me that she thinks of Nicholas and I EVERYday because of a billboard along I-5 in Oregon that has a picture of this man

that says: "From Orphan to Legend."

Thank you for your thoughts, prayers, love, well wishes, and friendship. This process would be infinitely harder without our friends and family to support us. We know we have and will continue to be blessed by the hand of God daily.

And we know, that when the time is right, our child will come into our lives and hearts and forever change us. We will happily wait patiently for that day.

"It is important to know, when you feel depressed, that many others do also and that their circumstances are generally much worse than yours. And it’s important to know that when one of us is down, it becomes the obligation of his friends to give him a lift. I hope that each of us will cultivate a sensitivity toward the feelings of others, and when encouragement is needed, make an effort to extend it. Be a friend, and you will have a friend. God be thanked for wonderful friends."

President Gordon B. Hinckley