Potty Training has Created a Monster!

My Crazy Girl and Me

I'm not a yeller...at least not outside of organized sports, then yelling is fair game! (Get it? Fair game!)

But in my house, I really wouldn't say I yell a lot. Raise my voice to let the kiddo know I'm serious (because I do goof around a lot), but it's really not often.

At least until potty-training...

Within the past month when we've gone full-on no diaper during the day at all, I have cleaned up WAY TOO MUCH fecal matter, and I have also seen a fear in my daughter's eyes that I hoped she would only show her soon-to-be murderer. I have literally yelled and hit my hand on the door just to make her feel a small part of the frustration and anger that I felt at that moment.

I'm pretty sure all she felt is fear and sadness, and those feelings do not foster a potty-trained kid or a healthy mother-daughter relationship. Trust me.

I don't share this information because I am proud of it or because I have all the solutions. I simply share because this is my soap box, and I have something to say that I need to hear:

Yelling at your children is NEVER okay. I'm not talking about the voice of warning that needs to be sharp and loud to keep your kids safe, nor am I talking about the "will you turn that noise down?!" moments. I am talking about the moments when your blood is boiling and you feel that exasperation down through your fingertips that just uncontrollably explodes out of you!

But that's just the thing. You can control it. YOU CAN CONTROL IT (I'm raising my voice at myself, not yelling)! It is really hard to forgive the 70 x 7th poopy mess that you've had to clean up this week for sure, but it's possible. 

The question comes down to it, Rachel, what kind of mom do you want to be? Do you want to be the kind of mom that yells at her kids? No? Well, then stop it! Do you want to be the kind of mom that holds a grudge against her 2 year old for being scared of pooping on the toilet and then scaring her after she has an accident because you are completely out of ideas? No? Well, then stop it! Do you want to be the kind of mom that invites and encourages the spirit of God into your home with positive, uplifting, and loving words, thoughts, and actions? Yes? Well, then just do it!

And that "just do it" philosophy is probably a lot easier said online than done as you literally watch your daughter poop her pants for the upteenth time, but there's good news (thank goodness)! You have help, which means you have hope. You're literally going to get dozens of more chances over the next few months to approach a disgusting, stinky, and heart-achingly horrible mess better than you approached the last one. You get this opportunity because Jesus gave it to you. The second verse of a song you sing to Alexa often (and gets you choked up as you sing it to her) goes like this:

If the Savior stood beside me, would I say the things I say?

Would my words be true and kind if He were never far away?

Would I try to share the gospel? Would I speak more rev'rently,

If I could see the Savior standing nigh, watching over me?

Rachel, you've made mistakes, but you can do better. You can be kinder, more loving, more empathetic, more patient, more long-suffering, more easy to be entreated, and more Christ-like. Lucky for you I've compiled some resources to help you for when you are having a tough day. You're very welcome.

1. Remember, you really do love love love your beautiful baby girl! I mean, look at this face!

2. You know that the words you say stay with you longer than anyone, for now, and your family can't spiritually afford to have you not at the top of your spiritual game as much as possible -- and improving what you say and how you say it is possible!

3. Here's a great talk about The Words We Speak and you could greatly benefit from reading it again.

4. Here are a couple great blog posts with reminders that unnecessary distractions are debilitating as a mom and when I yell at my kids when no one's around, my kids are around, and they're my most important audience!

5. You're not the only mom with this problem/concern. The latter mom in #4 made an entire blog with all sorts of helpful ideas and resources for your improving pleasure! Her story is inspiring, her challenge is frightening, and her list of alternatives to yelling is thought-provoking! You should spend some time beat-bopping around her website.

6. You can do this! You're kids are young, and everyday is pretty similar to the day before, so you are going to get BUCKETS of chances to make your mothering experience EXACTLY the one you want it to be! You're on the Lord's side on this one, and you can choose, every moment of everyday, to be the person He wants you to become.

Thanks for the pep talk! I needed that! Now since I'm not sure I'm ready to commit to 365 days of no yelling, I'm going to shoot for 1 week. Starting yesterday, because I did well and I need all the help I can get, for one week I am not going to yell at my kids...no matter what poopy mess and craziness awaits me. I can do this!!

I'll update you next Monday on how I did! Yay for making our homes and families what we want them to be!!

I Could Not Have Known

Two years ago I could not have known this morning would be so hard.

I could not have known that it would take every ounce of calm I had to keep from either screaming at her or crying in the corner.

I could not have known that my wonderful Mommy Plans of going to the library would be thwarted by a decision between milk and water.

But even though I could not know those things, I also could not have known that over two years, (with all the tantrums and fights, and screaming for hours) how much I would love her.

I could not have known how much of me I see in her, which is surprising, frustrating, but mostly exciting.

I could not have known how much I want to help her learn, grown, expose her to new and wonderful things, and simply be around her.

I could not have known how even though she brings out the worst in me, she also is able to refine me and makes me better everyday.

I could not have known how happy I am to have her in our eternal family...and how because of her I can better know how much I want James in that family too.

4 more days until an eternity of unknowns with James!!

My Arms and Heart Are Full!

Recently I have found my arms to be very full. Most recently that happened in church today when Nick was asked to sit on the stand to leave me with my two beautiful babies.

That's right readers, two!

James Robert Nelson, born 3/17/13 -- he's our lucky little leprechaun

I am very much aware I haven't posted in a couple weeks, but that's because, like I said, my arms have been a little full. I'll give more details about my beautiful new family (including our beautiful new birthmom) tomorrow and later this week, but on this Easter Sunday, my thoughts are focused more so on my Savior.

My arms have been full of children mostly (along with bottles, burp cloths, and oh, so many diapers!). Because of this I wish I could always have a floating camera and photographer at the ready because I would have them take pictures of us instead of me unloading all my goods and try to finagle a sweet picture of a now lost moment.

For example, I would get a picture of James in my left arm and Alexa cuddled under my right arm as we all snuggle on the couch together. I would have gotten a picture of us in church today when Alexa laid her head on my left leg and I was holding James in my right arm. Thinking about how my Lord and Savior has immeasurably blessed my life while holding my little angels in my arms has been my favorite part of this Easter Day.

I always tell people that I've had a hard time imagining myself as a mom of two in the past because...I don't know, I guess imagining one child was fairly easy. I just assumed I would always have one child because it was so important to me. What I've discovered today is that vision of my life with two kids was always difficult to imagine because I thought it was a bit presumptuous, after all I've already been given, to ask God for a child, and then downright selfish to ask for another when so many people I know would give all they have for just one child.

I'm so glad (and moved to tears) that God is merciful enough to grant us the desires of our hearts even when we have done absolutely nothing to deserve it. Additionally, He will comfort us through the power of the infinite atonement as we wait for the tears to drop from our eyes so that we are able to see the hand of God, ever present, in our lives. How patient and merciful He is with us, and how willing He is to bless us with more than we would ever dream of asking for!

 Happy Easter from the Nelson Family, all 4 of us!

Truly, my arms and my heart are full today!

Music Monday

My sister, Suzy, who is serving an LDS Mission in Houston, TX sent me her iPod and asked me to upload some new music and talks for her. I worked on this a while on Friday and Saturday, and it was a really good exercise to review the music I listen to with a missionary perspective. This is the guideline she gave me that is given to all missionaries (emphasis added):

"Listen to only to music that is consistent with the sacred spirit of your calling. Music should invite the spirit, help you focus on the work, and direct your thoughts and feelings to the Savior. Do not listen to music that pulls your thoughts away from the work, merely entertains, has romantic lyrics or overtones, or dulls your spiritual sensitivity by its tempo, beats, loudness, lyrics, or intensity. Listening to music must never interfere with your personal preparation or proselyting."

One of the 13 basic beliefs to which all members of the LDS Church subscribe is another guideline that I used to evaluate the music and talks that I sent to her (emphasis added):

"We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul-We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things."

Suzy sent me a list of things she specifically wanted, and then I added to that list with some songs I thought fit missionary music requirements. One of the artists that she sent to me was Alex Boyé, of whom I have heard but not really appreciated, until I heard this song:

My friend's 16-year old daughter was killed in September when she was hit by a car and it has been such a faith-inspiring thing for me to watch this woman mourn and allow her faith to carry her through this tragedy. I was able to be a part of a small choir that sang this song at her funeral. It nearly moves me to tears every time I listen to it.

That's what good music should do for us. Not necessarily make us cry, but it should stir our souls and assist us in being able to feel the spirit of God, not deter or distract us from it. It should be praiseworthy or of good report -- something we would be excited to share with our mothers, mothers-in-law, spouses, or anyone else. 

Music has profoundly impacted many of my life's most memorable moments, and I'm blown away by the seemingly endless talents of musicians who continue to make music that inspires and uplifts and simply makes me happy! I'm so grateful for the blessing of music in my life and the people that helped me to love it like I do (first and foremost my mom).

Piglet's Adoption Story, Part 4 (The Finale)

...My little girl had just been born!

 That was early Friday morning, and the next few days in the hospital were a bit of a blur. A blissfully wonderful blur full of holding, swaying, feeding, swooning, smiling, singing, and healing. We met Ray's dad and son, Bjorn, and some of Ray and Melissa's friends came to meet us and offer their love and support. That part of the experience was faith-inspiring and left both Nick and I in awe of the responsibilities we now had as Alexa's parents.

Alexa's half-brother, Bjorn, and Alexa in the hospital. He bought her booties and a necklace.

Ray left for scout camp on Saturday, and so Saturday night Nick was able to have Alexa in our room to love and feed and I spent the night in Melissa's room to give her a shoulder to cry on or a friend's ear to talk in if she needed it. There was so much love between each of our families one to another at that time. And because of a beautiful baby girl, we were all very much united as a family. Just as we always should have been.

Ray and Melissa with Alexa before Ray left for scout camp.

On Sunday we were allowed to go home, and placement was done in early afternoon. It was awful. I think I expected it to be exciting, and maybe I was a little excited, but the excitement really didn't set in until we were driving away from the hospital. Up until then all of our hearts were breaking. Watching Melissa cry and knowing there was a very simple way I could mend her aching, and yet it was not my decision to make, was just awful! As we walked out of the hospital doors, and both Nick and I both hugged Melissa. As she and I hugged, between sobs she whispered in my ear "Don't let me take her back tomorrow." I reassured her that this was the right decision and that overtime things would get better. I hugged her again, and we all went our separate ways. Finally to our home with our daughter in the back seat.

Melissa and our case worker with Alexa right before placement.

That night Nick ran over to Wal-Mart to get "burp cloths" (cheap wash cloths that we now use as rags) and a crib. It was a late night, but Alexa and I enjoyed watching dad put her bed together as his first official Daddy project. We all went to sleep in our respective beds and woke up many times for feedings, relishing every moment. 

Daddy putting the crib together, and Alexa using it for the first time.

Monday morning Nick had to go to work for just a couple of hours, so Alexa and I stayed home, where I just held her, didn't shower, and talked with friends and family on the phone. I think it was about 10am when I got a call from Nick, and as I type this my heart is just starting to pound a little. He told me Melissa changed her mind and had sent us a text that simply said "I want my baby back." My legs went numb and I slid my back down the wall and collapsed holding my daughter as tight as possible. This couldn't be possible!

And yet it was. We called our case worker in a panic and he made his way down to Ray and Melissa's home to discuss the repercussions of this decision. And so we waited. We waited to hear from him until 9pm that night, all the while hoping for the best and trying to avoid our thoughts from thinking the worst. We sat on the couch and watched a movie that we would feel good about never watching again if things went poorly: Nova's Ancient Refuge in the Holy Land. Oh yes, we also prayed. We prayed constantly! Out-loud, in silence, and on the phone with family. My goodness did we pour our hearts out to our God on that day, more than I ever had before or have since.

{Sorry, not a lot of pictures from this day. As you can probably imagine, it wasn't a day we really wanted to capture in photos.}

When we did get our case worker's phone call, he was somber and very tired. He told us she had not changed her mind and that we were to meet at his office at 10am Tuesday morning to hand over our daughter so he could return her to Melissa. Our hearts broke - it felt almost literally. We decided that on our last night together we would do everything we had dreamed of doing with Alexa that we could do with an infant. We read every book we treasured with her (ie. The Sneetches, The Lorax, Pat the Bunny, etc.), we told her every family/funny story we could think of, and we sang every song that we thought she might like. Once we were all too tired to stay awake any longer, we went to bed, but this night we couldn't bear to let her sleep alone...or maybe we couldn't bear to be without her for any longer than was necessary. Yeah, that's definitely it.

It's hard to describe how the following morning went in our home. We were quiet, constant tears were being shed, and heartfelt silent prayers were being offered without ceasing. Nick offered a special prayer, a Father's blessing, for Alexa that morning, as she was soon to leave our hands and we'd probably never see her again. We wrote a letter to Ray and Melissa expressing our love for them and for Alexa. We put that note in a bag full of things they would need: diapers, clothes, bottles, etc. We also decided that if this was going to be the last memory Alexa would have with us, we wanted it to be a positive one. If by some miracle she were to remember us, we wanted her to remember us as strong, loving, and happy people. So, we put our best foot forward by dressing our best and left for the adoption agency.

One last picture with Alexa, and one last one of her in her carseat. Doesn't Nick's face break your heart?

We arrived at 9:45, and we drove as slow as slow as humanly possible. Our case worker said that was the first time anyone ever arrived to a placement reversal early, so he gave us some time with Alexa. He said we could have all the time we wanted, and so we suggested driving until we got to Mexico. In our last moments with Alexa, I gave her a kiss while she was still in her carseat, but I didn't want to hold her again. It was too much. Nick wanted to hold her one last time before handing her to our case worker and then walking away. So he did - and he sobbed. And so I sobbed. And our case worker checked his phone (??)...because he had just received a text message.

From Melissa.

It said something along the lines that she had made a mistake and that Alexa should stay with us! Of course that all had to be confirmed, but after about 20 minutes of not breathing and being confused as all get out, our case worker came back in the room. (Nick and I decided that feeling must be what insanity is like. We were just so emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted and the ups and downs were just too high and too low to have life make any sense at all. That's insanity.) Our case worker held his phone up to me to read it...and the screen had turned dark! 

OH MY GOSH!! One more second of not knowing and my heart could have exploded!

Okay, so once I could read the message, it was from Melissa and it said that she meant what she had texted before and that she was wrong in asking for Alexa back. She belonged in our family.

Readers, I have lived a life of faith and spirituality, and I may live a hundred more years and never witness a miracle as blatantly obvious as I did on that February morning.

Nick and I decided to not call or tell anyone until the relinquishment paperwork had been filed with the court, so we waited for our case worker to draw up the paperwork, we drove with him to the court house, waited for him to come out after filing, and then on the way home began calling family members (who were all crying when we spoke with them). We were driving home, once again, with our little girl in the back seat.

Only this time it was permanent.

And suddenly we got very hungry (we realized we hadn't really eaten an actual meal in about 20 hours), so we pit stopped at Little Caesar's for a Hot n' Ready pizza. We now look back on those 24 hours, when we we must think of them, as the most challenging of our life. It's also the day I think of that when I forget how blessed I am to be ALexa's mom. Nick and I wanted this life enough to fight so hard for it. We would have done anything to keep Alexa in our family that day, and everyday since then. 

At the end of those awful 24 hours. So tired but so happy.

It's hard to imagine we maybe setting ourselves up for that type of craziness again...but it's so easy to see now that every pain and tear and prayer was more than worth it.  

Our family sealed together for time and all eternity: October 8, 2011

***I want to take this moment to be perfectly clear that we harbor no ill-feelings towards Melissa or Ray or anyone for anything that happened during those awful 24 hours. They made us stronger as a family and deepened our conviction that adoption was/is the right thing for our family more than anything else ever could. They strengthened our faith in God, in our family, and in the power of prayer. As hard as they were, I wouldn't trade them for anything...especially since I now know the outcome is awesome!***

Music Monday: This Christmas Time

This Christmas Time, by Lonestar

So much to be grateful This Christmas Time! I posted this song last year when we were hoping for another little girl to be with us, but even though there's been a lot of heartbreak between now and then, there's been so much more joy and hope and love.

Yesterday during a conversation with a friend Nick and I listed the three top things we were grateful for just off the top of our heads. Here they are:

                                                        Nick's List                          Rachel's List

                                                       1. Family                            1. Family

                                                       2. Christmas                      2. Adoption

                                                       3. Home                             3. The Gospel

I think between the two of us we covered the most important things in our life right now. And in regards to Nick's second thing on his list:

"There are many things from which I might have derived good, by which I have not profited, I dare say," returned the nephew.  "Christmas among the rest.  But I am sure I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round -- apart from the veneration due to its sacred name and origin, if anything belonging to it can be apart from that -- as a good time: a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time: the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow-passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys.  And therefore, uncle, though it has never put a scrap of gold or silver in my pocket, I believe that it has done me good, and will do me good; and I say, God bless it!"     A Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens

From Pueblo to Eternity

Our little Piglet was born in Pueblo, CO on Februrary 18, 2011.

On October 8, 2011, our family was sealed for eternity. Together forever.

Pictures by Davison Photography

I can't wait to see where we go next! (I just hope wherever it is it's a little warmer than our temple day. Seriously, it was so cold and snowed, which made pictures quite short!)

Day 6: A Song That Reminds You of Somewhere

Reminds me of here:

Music Monday

This song, not this version, was sung by my mother to my sisters and I probably hundreds, if not thousands of times during our childhood. She sang it at all her children's baptisms. It sure meant a lot to us back then.

And now I sing it to my daughter...and it puts her to sleep just about every time. I hope it will mean as much to her as it does to me.

Thanks for teaching me this song, Mom. It's exactly what I want my daughter to know about her Savior.

To learn more about the subject of the song, click here.

"You Deserve This"...or not.

 

 We have had so many people express their happiness to us for Alexa coming to our family, but none more perplexing as some variation of

"You guys are so great; you deserve this."

While I have always graciously accepted that compliment, because I do know what they are trying to say, I do want to make one thing perfectly clear:

we do not deserve the blessing of children, Alexa, or being parents!

There is no act, no series of acts, no lifetime of sainthood-worthy decisions that could make us worthy to have this beautiful girl in our home. No. She is entitled to parents and a family sealed for time and all eternity. That is why adoption happens and families exist. Not because parents have done anything special or spectacular enough, or they waited long enough, or they endured the waiting well enough. It's because all children are God's children, and He is blessing our lives with the opportunity to have them in our families.

I think there is some confusion over how blessings work. If we live the how God wants us to live, we will be blessed. Simple enough, right? The confusing part, I think for some, is that specific actions do not lead to specific blessings. We cannot choose the consequences of our actions, or others' actions, good or bad. All of that is up to God and what He knows to be best for us so we can become better people.

Righteous Action A does not lead to Blessing A, it leads to a blessing. Period. 

So while I am flattered that so many people think us to be deserving parents, I submit that there is no such thing as a parent who deserves their child/ren...no matter how awesome they are. ;)

Beware of the Bunny!

Piglet has just one question this Easter: bunny, friend or foe?

Here's one of our favorite Easter messages that have provided our family much comfort in times of need. To learn more about our faith, click here.

Have a Happy Easter and remember to Beware of the Bunny!

When I in Awesome Wonder...

My thoughts are simple tonight.

Parents do hard things for their kids.

Sometimes they wait for them.

Sometimes they let them go.

And maybe the hardest thing of all is knowing that there's nothing they can do except to pray for them.

I know that God takes care of and watches over all of His children. Lucky for us we don't have to be perfect parents because He's got that part covered.

All we have to do is be faithful parents. Faithful to the Father that gave us life, and to our families that make life worth living.

The feeling that everything that is most important to you in the entire universe is completely out of your hands is so frustrating, and yet knowing that God has everything most important in His hands makes it okay. It's still hard, but it's better. Infinitely better.

Something else that makes the pain better is knowing that "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life." That verse has new meaning to me now. God gave His son so that all His children could have the best life possible. Isn't that what adoption is all about? May God bless birth parents everywhere for their sacrifice!

My final thought is this (and then it's bedtime), and I'm going to borrow the language from a wonderful man for this one, but I don't think he minds:

"Now have we not reason to rejoice? Yea, I say unto you, there never were men that had so great reason to rejoice as we, since the world began; yea and my joy is carried away, even unto boasting in my God; for he has all power, all wisdom, and all understanding; he comprehendeth all things, and he is a merciful Being, even unto salvation, to those who will repent and believe on his name.

Now if this is boasting, even so will I boast; for this is my life and my light, my joy and my salvation, and my redemption from everlasting wo. Yea blessed is the name of my God, who has been mindful of this people, who are a branch of the tree of Israel,and has been lost from its body in a strange land; yea, I say, blessed be the name of my God who has been mindful of us, wanderers in a strange land.

Now my brethern, we see that God is mindful of every people; whatsoever land they may be in; yea, he numbereth his people, and his bowels of mercy are over all the earth. Now this is my joy, and my great thanksgiving; yea, and I will give thanks to my God forever. Amen." (emphasis added)

Thank you Ammon for saying what my heart longs to say, but you're so much more eloquent than I. These words are found in this book on page 275. I recommend the read.

Counting Blessings

I read a comment on a blog by a woman who has had a number of health issues, including ones that keep her and her husband from having kids. She was addressing those with kids and said

"we would trade the best day we've had without kids for your worst day with them."

Ya know what, we wouldn't. I 'm not judging this girl or think less of her. I cannot begin to fathom the level of their difficulties as a couple. I'm just saying, for us, we have a pretty nice life. 

I wouldn't trade our most difficult and sad day for any other families' most spectacular. That's because we know we are where we are and who we are because of those days.

As a 3.5/5 star movie once said "How could [we] be angry when this is clearly as God intended it to be for [us]?"

We still ache for our children, quite often recently, but "when upon life's billows you are tempest tossed...count your many blessings see what God hath done."

1. We have a rock solid marriage. Seriously, it's everything I ever wanted.

Thursday Thirteen #21: Advice to My 14-Year Old Self

I stumbled across this post and decided that I have a lot of pointers for my 14-year old self. To give you an idea of where I was at when I was 14, I just started my freshman year of high school and my family and personal life was pretty confusing...as is I imagine for most 14-year olds. I had just been kissed, and dismissed, by my first boy, my middle school friends were doing things I didn't want to do, and I was in a big new school and felt lost and forgotten. Without any further adieu...

1. Let people take pictures of you; you don't always have to be the photographer and you are going to miss out on saving these special memories you are making.

FormSpring Question and Answer

You've always been such a happy person and you and Nick are absolutely perfect together.  You both genuinely seem happy.  Besides the whole infertility thing, have you guys EVER had a problem??

Nope. Our life together is perfect.

Okay, not really, but I think we handle the problems that do arise very well. Everything is a "we problem," not a "me problem." This is a lesson I am still learning, and something I had a really difficult time with after we were married. Infertility was my fault and I needed to deal with it. Student loans were my fault and I needed to pay them off. Marriage is very difficult when you view the relationship as two people who love each other living under the same roof. Problems HAVE to be addressed by the unit.

Nicholas is endlessly patient with me as I still, on occasion, have episodes where I feel guilty about my weaknesses. He reminds me that "If [we] are not one, then [we] are not [God's]" (D&C 38:27). We are many things, but if nothing else, we are His children. That vision of who we are has been and will continue to be invaluable when it comes to our marriage and family.

And if we "genuinely seem happy" it's because we are! We have such a good life, we know it, and we look forward to the life God has in store for us!

Ask me anything

When We're Helping We're Happy

I just found out recently that a friend of almost 22 years (yeah, since I was 2) has been having difficulty getting pregnant for about 2 years. I found out from one of her family members, and when I asked her about it, she told me she didn't tell me because she didn't want to complain since Nicholas and I have been waiting for our family for so much longer and she already has a little boy. My heart breaks for her.

Nicholas' aunt and I had a talk a couple weeks back where she expressed to me that her 9 children came to her pretty much whenever she wanted, except for the two youngest, whom are twins, whom she  had to wait for for 3 whole months. She was scared that she was too old or her body was too spent to complete her family. My heart breaks for her.

My sister has one little girl, who is almost 2, and a son who is waiting for the rest of his family in heaven. She hasn't been able to get pregnant since she lost her little boy because of the trauma she experienced. My heart breaks for her.

 

My niece, Anna, is such a little cheeser! She was trying to sneak and discover all of Burgerville's secrets!

A high school friend waited to get pregnant after her first boy for, I think, nearly a year and could not receive fertility treatments because the cardinal time to wait for fertility services is 12 months. She wanted her family before 12 months. My heart breaks for her.

I would like to just come out and say that if you are experiencing the heartache of infertility, whether it be for one month or 48, whether you have no kids or 9, whether you are feeling these fears now or did many years ago, I hope you come to me. I would love to cry with you, laugh with you, and hope with you. This journey is a million times easier with supportive friends. I want to be your friend!

I understand that some days are harder than others, but that not every moment is consumed with deep depression and aching. I also understand that baby showers are difficult, but you still want to go because you love your friends and are happy for their happiness but completely ache for your own. I understand the scared and sometimes hopeless feeling as well as the feeling that God's love encircles you with new blessings every moment and how could one be sad when there's so much joy and hope in His love for each of us. I understand that, sometimes, a good cry and a very honest post early in the morning on a Saturday is just what is needed. I understand that opportunities for growth sometimes look suspiciously like trials.

I understand, so let's get through this time in our lives together. Email me at rachelandnicholas@gmail.com or call if you have my number (I'll give it to you later if you want). I love you, truly I do. While this heartache is so personal, we don't have to deal with it alone. Let's help each other, and we can be happy together!

A Woman of Business

Good News: Rachel has been offered a job as a data analyst for a local non-profit called Parent Pathways! Look at her be all business-y.
Parent Pathways' mission is "to help teen parents raise healthy families." They run an alternative school for teen parents in Denver, provide early childhood education for the children of teen parents, and help teen parents develop life skills that will help them be successful in their lives and their families. She'll be using her powers of logic, reason, and statistics to help Parent Pathways measure how well they are fulfilling their mission and how they can adjust what they are doing to fulfill it better.

#3: Create Nelson Family Mantra

This Live List completion has been frustrating for me. I'm not crafty, modge podge-y, or terribly confident in what home decorating capabilities I do have.

In addition, this whole "Live Laugh Love" trend that's happening is too mainstream for me. If I want our family to be special, our mantra has to reflect that.

Then I realized, our mantra has been right up in my face, which I draw directly from my Live List post:

"Let us relish life as we live it, find joy in the journey, and share our love with friends and family."

Thomas S. Monson, President of LDS Church

But how to display it? I didn't know. I suppose I was  hoping to find something someone else made that would reflect the ideas of that quote. But, spoiler alert: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is special, and so are its leaders, and their divine inspiration. 

So, I was at an impasse on how to proceed. Until this post. Originally I thought the idea of a printed alphabet for decoration was stupid, but then I thought "Ya know, I can rearrange the letters in the alphabet to express other sentiments than just an alphabet!" 

From there, it was just a couple trips to Hobby Lobby and BAM, I'm a genius!

I think it turned out pretty well. I am thinking I'll replace the pictures of the models with pictures of us, but who knows? Why mess up a good thing, ya know?

Oh, gotta credit where I got the font and little swirly things. One of my new favorite sites: dafont.com.

From Orphan to Legend

A good friend of mine from high school told me that she thinks of Nicholas and I EVERYday because of a billboard along I-5 in Oregon that has a picture of this man

that says: "From Orphan to Legend."

Thank you for your thoughts, prayers, love, well wishes, and friendship. This process would be infinitely harder without our friends and family to support us. We know we have and will continue to be blessed by the hand of God daily.

And we know, that when the time is right, our child will come into our lives and hearts and forever change us. We will happily wait patiently for that day.

"It is important to know, when you feel depressed, that many others do also and that their circumstances are generally much worse than yours. And it’s important to know that when one of us is down, it becomes the obligation of his friends to give him a lift. I hope that each of us will cultivate a sensitivity toward the feelings of others, and when encouragement is needed, make an effort to extend it. Be a friend, and you will have a friend. God be thanked for wonderful friends."

President Gordon B. Hinckley

A Female Sheep's Legacy

The name Rachel means Ewe, or in other words is a female sheep. That's right, baa baa sheep. Rachel is also the wife of Jacob, which was the name of the smelly kid in my 3rd grade class. Lame, I know! Growing up I was so bummed that my parents named me Rachel simply because they liked the name. I wanted a name with meaning, substance, like some of the boys' names I shared last Thursday. But ya know, I think my parents were inspired. I love my name! It has given me so much to work towards, so much to become, and so much gratitude.

And this story is why...
While watching, try to imagine how I felt when I heard this for the first time in October 2007 at our church's General Conference. At that point, we had been trying to get pregnant for about 14 months, and I felt so incredibly forgotten. I still cry EVERY time I watch it!

He gets choked up in all the perfect spots! Here is the full text of the talk.

Whenever I feel discouraged about ANYTHING, I watch this and remember to "claim my exceedingly great and precious promises and never let go!" When God remembers us it is not because He ever forgot about us in the first place. A parent never forgets their child, but they certainly remember them. Sometimes we just have to trust that "the Lord is not slack concerning His promises." We have been promised children, and I know they will come in the Lord's time. And until then we will patiently prepare for our posterity.

I cannot wait to meet Rachel of old who has given me so many reasons to love my name and to have hope for the future. Her story ends tragically as she did die after she bore Benjamin, but her influence is perhaps stronger today because of her trials than if she had not experienced all the pain and heartache of infertility. I hope my own story ends in a way that has that same outcome. I look forward to meeting my hero Rachel when it does.