And I kinda hate it.
I know I am supposed to be in awe of the marvels of medical technology and the wonderful, miraculous opportunity we have to possibly get pregnant through IVF...but right now it just looks like a lot of needles.
Needles I have to inject into myself or Nick has to inject into me.
Neither of us are qualified medical professionals, so what the heck?!
Of course I knew this was part of the process, but that big box made it all very real. During our first go around at fertility treatments, before we decided to go the adoption route, included my fair share of needles -- both injecting and withdrawing. There were a lot of pills, a lot of mood swings, and a lot of disappointments.
Maybe that's my real problem. I have no faith in this method of getting kids. I have faith in God and His plan for our family and that this is the route we should be taking. He has proved Himself time and time again and I absolutely trust God to take care of my family and to get my kids here.
However, I have no faith in injectable fertility medications. I have buckets of faith in adoption! The child-acquiring score as it stands now:
Adoption: 2 Fertility Treatments: 0
That's a blow out in a World Cup match!
Pulling out each individual medication box and each large bag of needles and alcohol swabs (so many swabs!) was like a little punch in my gut reminding me that my body doesn't work the way I want it to and so I have to use all of these "medical miracles" to get our next little miracle.
I thought I had accepted my infertility, but it's always there, and this month it's going to be yelling at me everyday in the form of a needle or Metformin pills every morning and night.
Sidenote: I've decided that "inject" is such an angry and gross word. Ugh!
I almost hate that I know this is the right thing for our family, because outherwise it would be so easy to throw in the towel and quit.
Honestly I wish I could say that my pity party is all done and it's going to be all smiles from now on, but I can't. Sometimes you just kind of have to stand with your toes together and lean on a counter so your husband inject some hormones at the base of your back. And there's no way I'm smiling through that!
But here's the silver-lining:
1. This is right, and we know it.2. Nick will let me eat all the ice cream I want through this process -- and he'll hold my hand through every gut-wrenching moment! I can do this with him.
3. God has plenty of miracles waiting for our family because we want to do what is right.
4. One of my medications is used to treat the advanced stages of prostate cancer, so that's fun!
2 comments:
Rachel, you're amazing! I'm so grateful to have had you as a young women's leader. Hang in there :)
You can do this! I know it isn't the same, but for me to get safely through pregnancy I have to give myself twice daily injections - for 9 months + 6 weeks afterwards. So...solidarity? Haha, it's not fun, as you well know, but you are strong and you can do hard things. I'll be cringing for you from Seattle! :)
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